Ovulation and PCOS

Shockingly enough, it’s possible without drugs!
I started my weight loss journey March 8th. It is now April 30th. I am down 28 pounds which is amazing for me. If you recall from my previous post, we took a much-needed fertility break because I just felt the timing was very bad. So, I have been going to the doctor every 30 days. Last month I went the day before my dad passed to find out I wasn’t pregnant and to let the doctor know that I was not going to actively pursue fertility treatments for a few months. He agreed and added that we would be using no medications. This was to see if my body was going to cooperate and work on its own.
As luck would have it, I ovulated. On my own! Now the problem is that we aren’t exactly sure when that happened. I was waiting for “the feeling” of ovulation. I thought I got that a few days after I normally did when everything is medically induced. HOWEVER, I think that was incorrect. The week AFTER, I had all the normal symptoms of ovulation…including EWCM. I actually texted Candi while she was at a baseball game to make sure it was possible that I could have ovulated and had this disgusting mucus.

Here I sit now, 7 days late for my period. I went in on the 23rd to the fertility doctors office to get my blood and ultrasound. At that moment, I would have been 5 days past ovulation if I actually ovulated that late. The test came back negative. No biggie because I am still not sure I could handle that and still grieving and everything else. I do, however, have a small voice in the back of my mind (and Candi’s voice in my ear) saying it’s still possible. I go back to the clinic tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood test. The doctor told me I should be starting anytime but I can’t wait for it to happen naturally at this point. I have been a raging bitch for the last 5 days. Not to mention extremely emotional. I have no other symptoms…so I have no idea what is going on but I will find out tomorrow if I don’t start before then.

This is just a small glimmer of hope to you ladies out there with PCOS. I know not everyone has a weight problem and I don’t believe this is all because of my weight. I am so much healthier now because of the products I use. I have energy, I get off the couch and run or walk, I play with my dogs outside rather than let them out and call them back in. I truly believe that with the right nutrition and healthy living you can reverse the effects of PCOS. I am trying my damnedest. My doctor said he was stunned that I had lost so much weight and that I ovulated on my own. Maybe this will mean I don’t have to spend every last dime on treatments anymore.

Keep up the good thoughts everyone. I am thinking about you always! Baby dust to everyone that wants it!

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OOOOOOOOH I wish I had a…

Vaginal ultrasound machine. I actually sang this to the tune of the Oscar Myer bologna song. Try it! It really works well. A vaginal ultrasound machine takes the guess-work out of ovulation. There are other things I could do. For instance, I could buy OPK’s. Which I did from the dollar tree. I am too cheap and too poor to buy them from the real pharmacy where they have multiple sticks and you don’t have to provide your own cup. The results were that I was not having a LH surge, yet I feel like there is something going on with my ovary…particularly the left one.
With us being on a “break” so to speak from the fertility clinic, I took no ovulation inducer. I am off every type of hormone known to medicine aside from what my body does, or doesn’t in my case, create. This is why I would like a vaginal ultrasound machine. You can see any follicles on your ovaries. Unfortunately, these machines cost many thousands of dollars. You also would probably do best if you had an ultrasound tech that could read them (or a really great husband that would hold the wand where you tell him…HAH!) I also have the thought that my bff would be coming over for ultrasounds all the time (they do come with the non vaginal wands when you buy the machine) so we can make sure little dude is alright.

This whole thought has been going on all week. I should be ovulating at some point this week if I were going to ovulate. I have no idea if it’s worth it to stay up until the husband gets home to baby dance and then be so exhausted in the morning I can’t function. I’m not sleeping all that well but apparently when Jeremy came home the other night and tried to “wake me up”, I smacked the shit out of him. I recall none of this. His being on 2nd shift makes procreation a very difficult thing. He is either waking up in the middle of his “night”, meaning 6am, to give me a sample in a cup or I am staying up way too late, meaning 12-1am, to do the deed and plant his seed. This makes us both very cranky.
ANYWAY! If i just had access to my very own ultrasound machine I would be set. I would know when I could sleep and not worry that ovulation is occurring at every turn. I would also know when to make my husband do his duties as a man.

Normally, I wouldn’t be worried about ovulation without medication. However, I have lost 20lbs in the last month and the doctor told me that with every 10lbs I lose my chances of ovulating go up a good percentage. This means I may not have to go back and spend every last dime I have to get knocked up. Or I could save those pennies to have an ultrasound machine…

The old wives and me: A recap and an update

Here is what the old wives and I thought.

Here is what the old wives and I thought.

So on Monday we had our 20 week ultrasound. If you’ve been following regularly, you’ll know that I’ve had a lot of fears about this pregnancy. If not, I’ll do a brief recap:

It started off rough. We were told early on to expect another miscarriage. That would have made 3 in a row. I did have some cramping and a little bleeding early on, but the little one just kept on keeping on. At our 6 week ultrasound we got to see our rainbow. There was a baby and a heartbeat! We were thrilled. This was huge! I lost Jordan at 6 weeks so having a heartbeat was awesome. With my next pregnancy with Mason, we found out at 9 weeks that it was a blighted ovum. The baby didn’t form. This time, at 6 weeks 6 days we had a baby with a heartbeat.

I was still terrified that things were going to end at any time. I was also afraid that my baby wasn’t going to have a brain. I was going to carry it to term, deliver it, and donate the organs. If you’ve seen the show Private Practice, you’ll know what I’m talking about. So we had our nuchal screening done at 12 weeks and baby is growing. The tech said that everything looked good, but she didn’t say if there was a brain or not. I just assumed there was and we moved on. Baby was still doing well, still thriving, and still had a nice strong heartbeat in the high 140s-160s, depending on the day.

20 weeks!! We made it halfway. I’m still afraid of losing the pregnancy, but now it would be considered a stillbirth instead of a miscarriage. Stillbirth holds a little more weight with people than miscarriage. At least those that have never experienced a loss. I know that is a morbid thought, but I’m just being honest. I’m sure I’ll have a little fear until the day my baby is born, but I’m feeling some kicks now and I love the reassurance.

20 weeks 5 days. Chris and I go in for the ultrasound. I’m dressed in a pink t-shirt and a pink hoodie. The tech shows us the different body parts on the screen. I’m just looking for a heartbeat or movement. I’m not seeing either and I’m a little freaked out. We see arms and legs, stomach, spine, and feet. She shows us the brain. My baby has a brain! Chris said, “There’s a brain!” He was kind of making fun of me, but I didn’t care. Then she says, “it’s a boy!” I start crying and I ask her if she’s sure. Chris has 2 daughters already, so I was praying for a boy. I would have bet money that we were having a girl. I would have loved it either way, but I wanted him to have a son. I was sobbing. Uncontrollable sobs. The tech had to ask me to keep my stomach still so she could finish up. His heartbeat was 166.  It was amazing, emotional, and awesome. The tech said he seems healthy. I think he’s perfect. My son. The old wives and I were wrong, but I’ve never been more happy to not be right.

Today, I’m 21 weeks. Only 3 more weeks until viability!!!

Baby boy at 20 weeks 5 days.

Baby boy at 20 weeks 5 days.

The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

I’m mental.

For the last few days I have been sick. Generally feeling like crap. I don’t know if I got a little of that flu bug or if I just have been so ridiculously depressed that my body is succumbing to my mental inadequacies. Either way, it was not fun. I was to the point yesterday where I didn’t care what happened. I cried all day long. I would be fine and then I would get a text from Candi, my husband, or a message at work from Trisha and I would have a mental breakdown. All day long. I have been trying to figure out if it’s PMS or if it’s hormonal because maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked and I got pregnant so I have a little alien leaching off my brain stem. Of course I am hoping for the latter but who knows.

This is what kicked off this post. During all the crazy and not feeling well I kept feeling as though I had cramps. I never used to get cramps before I lost our baby. I very rarely knew when Aunt Flow was coming for a visit unless I checked the app I have for that. Now I get cramps. Normally, I would say women are giant babies when they get them if they call off of work or don’t function and only stay in bed until they are gone. I apologize to everyone for thinking that. I have never had so much physical pain until I got cramps. So just thinking I had cramps made me mad. I knew I would be irritable and not very happy until they were gone. Then a funny thing happened. I didn’t have cramps. I was confused. I figured I was trying to make myself have them because I did something stupid. I never test before I go to the doctor to find out if I’m pregnant or not but this cycle I tested 5 days early. My TTC rule #28483 don’t do that!!! It’s just dumb. I get upset and possibly it’s wrong.

Fast forward to this morning. Again I think I have cramps. But I don’t. Do you know those crazy women that trick their bodies into acting like they are pregnant? I feel like I’m doing that. I have had the stomach flu, I’m nervous about an interview I have this afternoon, I am super stressed out, and I am 2 days from the start of my cycle. Maybe it is cramps. I can’t decide. I don’t have all the normal symptoms I get before I start. The symptoms haven’t changed in months but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did this month just to piss me off. I keep gagging and feeling like I’m going to throw up. I never throw up. Yeah, I may have thrown up with the flu but this is different. But again, I’m mentally screwed so I’m probably bringing this upon myself.

So here I sit. 2 days before I’m supposed to start my period, apparently wishing cramps on myself. I am incredibly insane…which I can attribute to many things. Which, by the way, I need to apologize to everyone who has been in the path of my rage. There is a list so long that it would take me an hour to write. But, I’m sorry. I have way too much on my plate and I’m pretty sure my husband is moments away from committing me to the psych ward. I hear it’s nice there. They give you the good drugs.

We aren’t going to try next cycle. We are going to do another hsg (dye into the uterus which clears out blockages) and birth control so that I can get my mental faculties back. If you have ever done months of treatments before you know how crazy you can get with the extra hormones. If you know me at all, you know how absolutely nuts I am WITHOUT the hormones…it’s better for all involved. I don’t feel like me and I’m losing grip on reality. We both think this is a good idea before I do end up in a straight jacket or in a clock tower somewhere. Here’s to a much saner month and less crazy in the future. Also, here’s to another wasted cycle. I know I haven’t been checked but I am supposed to start on Sunday and my doctor’s appointment is Monday….I have a strong feeling that, because it’s the grossest thing in the world to me, I will have to have an internal ultrasound while bleeding like a stuck pig. It’s just how my luck runs.

Letter to my little one: For when you doubt my love

Good morning sunshine! Right now we are 12 weeks pregnant. That means that you have been growing for 10 weeks now. I’m still not feeling well yet, but I’m cherishing every moment I have with you, because I know how precious every minute is. If we haven’t told you yet, but I’m sure we have, you actually have 4 older siblings! You have your two sisters, Brooke and Emily, that you are well aware of. You also have your sister, Jordan, and your brother, Mason. We lost both of them before they were born and we miss them every day. So far, I’ve gotten to spend more time with you than I have with either of them. Thank you for hanging in there!

When we first found out I was pregnant with you, my doctor (who I adore!) told me that my blood work didn’t look good, and to be prepared that we might lose you. I was devastated. I sat in her office and cried hysterically, as she continued the conversation with another concern. If we did in fact lose you, she wanted us to take some time out from trying to have another baby. She was worried that I may not be able to handle another loss, mentally. I could barely wrap my head around the fact of losing yet another child, let alone not being able to try again for an undermined about of time. Luckily, your dad vetoed that idea. He knew how much we wanted you and taking time off wasn’t an option.

As I was waiting over an hour (and the longest hour of my life) to have more blood drawn, I asked your dad if we could let every one know that we were pregnant. I felt strongly that we either needed prayers, support, or both. He said to do whatever I felt I needed to do. Right there, at the doctors office, at 4 weeks pregnant, I told the world about you. I posted a message on Facebook for all the good thoughts and prayers our family and friends could muster. I told them how much I loved you and how I didn’t want to have to lose another baby. If you were going to go to Heaven, they would at least know the depth of my love for you, in the short time you were with us. At that moment I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before. I told God that you were His. He was in control of your destiny and that if he was going to take you, I’d let you go. I wouldn’t be happy about it though. I left this pregnancy up to Him.

I got my blood taken and the next day the doctor called with some good news. You were growing! Prayers and good thoughts continued to come in. My hormone levels were increasing the way they were supposed to, but we weren’t safe yet. I had blood drawn every day for a week. Each time the news was better and better! We made it to 6 weeks, when I lost Jordan- milestone. I heard your heartbeat and saw your picture- milestone. We made it to 9 weeks 4 days, when I lost Mason- milestone. We just made it to 12 weeks- milestone!

On Monday, your dad and I will get to see you again. It will have been 6 weeks since we’ve seen you last. You’ve grown a lot since then. They say you are about the size of a lime, but I don’t believe it. I check your heartbeat every few days, just to be sure, but you seem to be doing great! I can’t wait to see you, baby!

Now you may wonder someday, when did I first know that I wanted you. Well, always. There has never been a time that I questioned if I wanted to have kids or not. Not even for a second. I really knew and began thinking and planning about you when I was 14. I would watch a talk show called Maury. He had teens on his show that really wanted to have babies. They were trying hard to get pregnant and they were only the same age that I was! I really wanted you then, but I was smart enough to wait. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to be able to take care of you. No matter what though, I knew I wanted you.

When I was 18, I got married. I had a job. I joined the military. I was so ready to bring you into my life! I prayed for you every night and wished upon every star. God had other plans, though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent the 5 years that I was married waiting for you. My ex-husband was manipulative and abusive. It would not have been a happy environment for you, little one. Looking back, I’m glad you waited to come.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. We have your dad and Brooke and Emily. Oh and of course the dog, Sam. He loves kids. He thinks he is one, actually. We have two angel babies in Heaven, watching over you. You are already so loved and have been for so long. Your dad is an amazing man and I can’t wait for you to meet him. You will love him so much. He is kind, caring, strong, hard working, and he wants you just as much as I do! We are so happy to have you, baby. You were wanted for so long, and now here you are. We are counting down the days until we see your smiling face. You are loved. You are wanted. You are a dream come true and an answered prayer.

Love Always,

Mom

 

It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes 🙂

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me 🙂

Captain’s Blog: 6 weeks, 6 days… and counting!

6 weeks, 6 days

6 weeks, 6 days

So today was our first ultrasound for baby, ‘bati. Yes, I have had massive amounts of blood drawn from my body these last couple weeks and I should be an old pro at doctors visits, but this was our first ultrasound since Mason. What worried me was seeing an empty sac again, like last time. I was prepared, but wasn’t prepared, to see nothing. And there it was. A tiny blob with a heartbeat. A baby. An actual living being. It was the first time of 3 pregnancies I have seen my child or heard a heartbeat. Chris had a grin from ear to ear and was beaming. It was adorable. He even asked the tech to hear the heartbeat again. His love for our babe made me love him that much more. I love that man. I love our child. I had prepared myself to see nothing on the screen, but there was a baby. What I wasn’t prepared for was the relief that I didn’t feel. I was happy to see a little one, but my fears didn’t subside with the beat, beat, beat of it’s heart. I think they only mounted.

How will I handle it if, God forbid, I lose my baby after seeing it and hearing that wonderful sound? Will I lose my ever loving mind?! I’m freaking out. Just a bit.Chris isn’t worried, it’s just me. He thinks I’m over-reacting. He did say that he’s glad he doesn’t have to put away all the Christmas decorations we just put up this weekend or have to put me on suicide watch. I asked him if he was serious. He said he was. I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I know bad and I know me. I wasn’t that bad. Could you image if he had known me during my super-depression-pre-medicated phase? Oye.

Morning sickness has been kicking my butt. So has being tired. But then

Ok, so enough being worried. We’re having a baby. July 31, 2013. Heartbeat is 121. We’ll start to take bets on boy/girl and due date. You’ve got time to figure it out. If you get em both correct, you win $1,000,000. Ha just kidding. You can have bragging rights though…

Feeling slighted by an ovum, blighted

I have been very emotional lately, with the holidays coming up. That’s no surprise. What is surprising, that in my feels-like-it’s-all-happening-all-over-again sadness, I feel compelled to go into detail about the loss of Mason. This is not a post that I want to write, but feel I should, for the sake of others in similar situations. It’s raw, hurtful, sad, and depressing. Pregnancies vary from person to person, pregnancy to pregnancy. So do miscarriages. No two will be exactly alike. When I lost Jordan, I was about 6 weeks along. My hCG levels were decent. I didn’t have too many symptoms except that I was crazy, super emotional. I hadn’t even made it to my first OB appointment. I went to school one day, and there was blood. Lots of it. I drove myself to the hospital, trying to stay calm. I didn’t tell anyone except my professors that I had that day. My family didn’t even know I was pregnant at this point. By the time I had gotten to the hospital, all hope was lost. As I was checking in, I was hit with a double whammy. The women checking in before me was pregnant with twins and she had a cold… I wanted to punch her in the face. I’m here at the ER because I’m losing my baby and your here because you have a freaking cold?!

The doctor ran labs and did an ultrasound.  There was no tissue left.  Since this was my first u/s and the tissue was gone already, I never got to see my baby. It was probably around 10:00 am, when I let anyone know where I was. I was supposed to work  at 11:00. I texted my mom and told her I was in the hospital having a miscarriage and I thought that I’d be late for work. She works for me in the mornings, while I’m in school. As I’m laying there alone in the ER, I am freaking out. This can’t be happening. I’ve wanted to be a mother for so long and now I’m losing my baby. Momma drove to the hospital and sat with me for a while. I did leave the hospital and go to work, but I was late. I needed something to do to pretend this didn’t actually happen. It didn’t take long for my hCG levels to be back to normal, but emotionally, I was a mess. I don’t know the gender of this baby, but mother’s intuition tells me it’s a girl. We’ll call her a her. Her name is Jordan Eryn. *Jordan, if you’re a boy, I apologize for the semi girly spelling of your middle name. Your aunt and godmomma, Liz and I decided on the Irish version. She helped me name you.

Now it’s Mason’s turn. I wasn’t too worried about having a miscarriage with this last pregnancy for a few reasons. 1) I had already had one. I couldn’t be cursed twice in a row, right? 2) My hCG levels were super high and constantly rising. 3) I was horribly nauseous to the point of throwing up on myself, in the car, while eating an apple. Since we weren’t telling anyone yet that I was pregnant, we said I had a little bug. Hence, Mason’s nickname Bug. 🙂

So my pregnancy is moving along great if you consider morning/noon/night sickness, horrible nausea, lack of appetite except for healthy snacks, tiredness, emotional, and sore boobs great. Weirdly, I did. I thanked God for all of these symptoms because my baby was going to be okay! My first ultrasound with him was around 6 weeks. At my OB’s office they have big TVs on the wall so that you can see everything that’s going on. I saw a sac, but no baby. My heart sank. The doctor tried to tell me maybe I had my dates mixed up and I wasn’t as far along as I thought. I knew exactly how far I was to the day, since we had been ttc for 3 months. I wasn’t mistaken. She didn’t say anything, but scheduled me for follow up blood work and another U/S in a few days. My hormone levels were still rising at this point, I was still sick, and there was still no baby on the giant TV.

At this point she informs me she thinks I have a blighted ovum, or anembryonic pregnancy. I didn’t exactly know what this was, but I knew my heart was broken. I went home, read everything I could get my hands on, and prayed like I’ve never prayed before. I held out hope knowing that some women can’t see their babies until 10+ weeks on the u/s, due to the babies location. Once to twice a week I was having my blood levels checked and ultrasounds done, but the results were the same. Blighted ovum. No baby. No sign of impending miscarriage so the doctor scheduled me for a D&C (dilation and curettage). When I left the hospital after surgery, there was a mother leaving with her baby and a mother coming in to have a baby… What timing I have… It took about 6 weeks for my hCG levels to finally drop below 2.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, “A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens  when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself.”

Here is why I didn’t want to write this post. I’m pretty sure at least one of you will be thinking that since I didn’t have an embryo, I wasn’t really pregnant. This bothered me so badly in the beginning and even now writing this post because I struggled with the question if I was actually considered pregnant myself. Does this count as a baby or what the heck is going on with my body? I don’t understand. I don’t know how I can have all of these symptoms and there not be a child. I believe that life begins at conception. There was a fertilized egg. It was multiplying and growing. I had a pregnancy sac and a placenta. The genetics testing came back the sex was male. How can it be a male, if it is not a life? He is my son and his name is Mason. I’ll fight to the death if you’d like to tell me otherwise.

This makes 2 pregnancies and I have yet to see a baby. This makes 2 pregnancies and I have yet to hear a heartbeat. This makes 2 pregnancies and I am absolutely terrified of the next one. Right now, at this moment, I want to cry. My heart hurts wondering if you think of Mason as a blip. As an accident. As not a baby. He is my baby and the pain of missing him and Jordan haunt me daily. Please, if you have ever had experienced a blighted ovum miscarriage, know that you were pregnant. You are a mother. You created life. You are not alone.

“Blighted Ovum.” American Pregnancy Association,  2011. Web. Web. 16 Nov. 2012.