Ovulation and PCOS

Shockingly enough, it’s possible without drugs!
I started my weight loss journey March 8th. It is now April 30th. I am down 28 pounds which is amazing for me. If you recall from my previous post, we took a much-needed fertility break because I just felt the timing was very bad. So, I have been going to the doctor every 30 days. Last month I went the day before my dad passed to find out I wasn’t pregnant and to let the doctor know that I was not going to actively pursue fertility treatments for a few months. He agreed and added that we would be using no medications. This was to see if my body was going to cooperate and work on its own.
As luck would have it, I ovulated. On my own! Now the problem is that we aren’t exactly sure when that happened. I was waiting for “the feeling” of ovulation. I thought I got that a few days after I normally did when everything is medically induced. HOWEVER, I think that was incorrect. The week AFTER, I had all the normal symptoms of ovulation…including EWCM. I actually texted Candi while she was at a baseball game to make sure it was possible that I could have ovulated and had this disgusting mucus.

Here I sit now, 7 days late for my period. I went in on the 23rd to the fertility doctors office to get my blood and ultrasound. At that moment, I would have been 5 days past ovulation if I actually ovulated that late. The test came back negative. No biggie because I am still not sure I could handle that and still grieving and everything else. I do, however, have a small voice in the back of my mind (and Candi’s voice in my ear) saying it’s still possible. I go back to the clinic tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood test. The doctor told me I should be starting anytime but I can’t wait for it to happen naturally at this point. I have been a raging bitch for the last 5 days. Not to mention extremely emotional. I have no other symptoms…so I have no idea what is going on but I will find out tomorrow if I don’t start before then.

This is just a small glimmer of hope to you ladies out there with PCOS. I know not everyone has a weight problem and I don’t believe this is all because of my weight. I am so much healthier now because of the products I use. I have energy, I get off the couch and run or walk, I play with my dogs outside rather than let them out and call them back in. I truly believe that with the right nutrition and healthy living you can reverse the effects of PCOS. I am trying my damnedest. My doctor said he was stunned that I had lost so much weight and that I ovulated on my own. Maybe this will mean I don’t have to spend every last dime on treatments anymore.

Keep up the good thoughts everyone. I am thinking about you always! Baby dust to everyone that wants it!

OOOOOOOOH I wish I had a…

Vaginal ultrasound machine. I actually sang this to the tune of the Oscar Myer bologna song. Try it! It really works well. A vaginal ultrasound machine takes the guess-work out of ovulation. There are other things I could do. For instance, I could buy OPK’s. Which I did from the dollar tree. I am too cheap and too poor to buy them from the real pharmacy where they have multiple sticks and you don’t have to provide your own cup. The results were that I was not having a LH surge, yet I feel like there is something going on with my ovary…particularly the left one.
With us being on a “break” so to speak from the fertility clinic, I took no ovulation inducer. I am off every type of hormone known to medicine aside from what my body does, or doesn’t in my case, create. This is why I would like a vaginal ultrasound machine. You can see any follicles on your ovaries. Unfortunately, these machines cost many thousands of dollars. You also would probably do best if you had an ultrasound tech that could read them (or a really great husband that would hold the wand where you tell him…HAH!) I also have the thought that my bff would be coming over for ultrasounds all the time (they do come with the non vaginal wands when you buy the machine) so we can make sure little dude is alright.

This whole thought has been going on all week. I should be ovulating at some point this week if I were going to ovulate. I have no idea if it’s worth it to stay up until the husband gets home to baby dance and then be so exhausted in the morning I can’t function. I’m not sleeping all that well but apparently when Jeremy came home the other night and tried to “wake me up”, I smacked the shit out of him. I recall none of this. His being on 2nd shift makes procreation a very difficult thing. He is either waking up in the middle of his “night”, meaning 6am, to give me a sample in a cup or I am staying up way too late, meaning 12-1am, to do the deed and plant his seed. This makes us both very cranky.
ANYWAY! If i just had access to my very own ultrasound machine I would be set. I would know when I could sleep and not worry that ovulation is occurring at every turn. I would also know when to make my husband do his duties as a man.

Normally, I wouldn’t be worried about ovulation without medication. However, I have lost 20lbs in the last month and the doctor told me that with every 10lbs I lose my chances of ovulating go up a good percentage. This means I may not have to go back and spend every last dime I have to get knocked up. Or I could save those pennies to have an ultrasound machine…

The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

Miscarriage: Not the only fear in the book

Yesterday I reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy. Before this, my longest pregnancy was 9 weeks 4 days. That was how far along I was when I had my d&c with Mason. From here on out, every day is a record breaking day in my pregnancy book. I’m trying to cherish every minute I get to have with my baby here on earth.

I am lucky enough to have a friend who owns a fetal Doppler that she graciously allowed me to borrow for this pregnancy. Going into using the Doppler, I kept an open mind reminding myself it could be a while before I heard a heartbeat. I also might have days I don’t hear anything after having success, but that doesn’t mean I have lost the baby. That being said, it took me 3 days of searching and I heard the heartbeat at 9weeks 3days. I started tearing up when I finally found that wonderful sound, but it didn’t last long. I think I was in shock. My baby is still alive!! Remember, my previous longest pregnancy was 9w4d. I tried again at 9w5d and baby was still kicking. Success! Longest. Pregnancy. To. Date. Yay!!

No onto my fears. Having had 2 previous miscarriages, it’s not unlikely that I have been waiting for it to happen, yet again. We had the scare in the beginning when my hCG levels were super low. I had some spotting for a while. I’ve also had some blood tinged discharge. All things to keep me freaking out. As it’s getting closer to that 12 week mark, my fears of miscarriage are slowly diminishing, but for a couple weeks now a different fear has been on my mind: a brainless baby.

You may or may not have seen the tv show on ABC, Private Practice. One of the doctors gets pregnant with a baby who has no brain, she carries him to term, and then donates his organs. Pretty hard core, if you ask me.

Now I am having the Nuchal screening test done on Monday to assess for Downs Syndrome. I am not having this test done because I would terminate if my baby has Downs at all. I just want to see my little one. I have grown up around the mentally and physically disabled and I see nothing wrong with having a special needs child. I want to make sure my baby has a brain. I’ve played this scenario out multiple times in my head. I go to the ultrasound and I’m told, your baby is alive and well, but we are sorry to tell you, it has no brain. I choose to continue on with my pregnancy for the fact that I love my baby and defect or not, it may be the last chance I get. I know it’s a hard road ahead, but I’m ready for it. I have business cards made up explaining my baby’s condition that I hand out to every single person that asks about my baby. They say my baby has no brain, but I’m choosing to carry to term because I want to hold my sweet little one in my arms, even for just a moment. I’m not looking for pity and I know there will be those that strongly oppose my decision, but I’ve already lost two children. I just want to be able to hold one in my arms. Just once.

I know that this fear is probably completely unfounded, but it’s there. Hopefully not for long. I’m seeing the little on Monday morning and I’ll let you know if we’ll be making up business cards or not.

Have you had any fears other than miscarriage with any pregnancies? Humor me.

I was going to include the video of when we first heard the heartbeat, but it costs $60 to upgrade. Just pretend. *thump. thump. thump. thump. thump.

Tips and Tricks for TTC-Debunked part 1

To preface this post and series about tips and tricks being debunked…I am not a medical professional.  I like to put myself into really embarrassing situations and then tell people about it.  If you really want to know if something works or is safe please, consult an actual physician or someone who has spent more than 3 months in medical school like I did.  Thank you.
Anyone in the TTC game knows that everyone has their own tips and tricks to tell you about.  Everyone thinks that if they get pregnant than whatever they were doing is the key to getting pregnant and if they didn’t get pregnant than whatever they tried that month is a complete failure and they will never try it again.  For example.  The month I got pregnant I had been changing our eating habits.  I went from eating crap, over processed, sugar/carb filled, horrible food to eating an almost vegetarian diet with mostly organic fruits and vegetables and hormone/antibiotic free chicken and wild fish.  I lost about 15 lbs at the last check before I went hog-wild.  After I found out I was pregnant I was convinced that my new eating habits, my lack of caring for the reproductive process and being more active got me pregnant.  I am sure it helped but I don’t think it ACTUALLY was a major factor.  Technically I was already pregnant a few days after I tried all of this.
So I decided, after reading some hilarious tricks and tips, to try them.  Not only for my own amusement but to prove to others that we TTC people are absolutely insane and will try damn near anything to help us get our babies we so desperately want to bring home healthy.  I will most likely try everything I describe here.  Probably starting out nice and easy then hitting you with the really insane stuff.  I also will tell you about things that I am almost certain I won’t try.  Like this.

According to my research, many women use egg whites as a form of lubricant.  Yes people.  EGG WHITES.  I thought my dear friend, who shall remain nameless, had flipped her lid when she told me this was a relatively common practice.  I had never heard of this until yesterday.  Basically you take an egg (the possibility for salmonella is only if you try to insert the entire egg with the shell because the shell is the only thing that could be contaminated so don’t stick an entire egg in your vagina please) and separate the yolk from the white.  You place the egg white in a cup and set it by your bedside 1 hour prior to sexy time so it will reach room temperature prior to insertion.  The video I watch explained that you could use a syringe (with no needle) or an actual turkey baster.  That made me laugh hysterically as I watched a middle-aged woman joyfully play with a turkey baster.  So, after it’s at room temperature and about 10 minutes before you proceed, insert the egg white into your lady parts.  If you are curious as to where to insert, the lady in the video told me “the place where we douche.”  Where the penis goes would have sufficed, thank you.  After you insert the egg white DO NOT STAND UP!  It will slip right on out.  The next step is to have sex.
*Side note – I was explaining this to my friend at work and I realized, and said, this.  There are already enough noises going on during sex and I’m not sure I can handle the sloshing noises that would be made if I added an egg white.  I have such a messed up mind that I wondered about scrambled eggs as well.
That was pretty much the end of the tutorial.
NOW!  The few people who I have spoken to about this “trick” have told me that it did not work.  I believe, until I ask my doctor tomorrow strictly out of curiosity, we will not be trying this.  It makes me nervous because I just don’t know if food needs to be involved in conception-outside of a diet of course.  This is supposed to make you “sperm friendly” and give you that egg white consistency to help the swimmers reach the target easier.  If you choose to try this, let me know how it works for you.  I will report back if we try it.
If you would rather a less disgusting way of getting that egg white cervical mucus consistency give some over the counter meds a try, with doctor’s permission if you are seeing a specialist for this stuff.  Guaifenesin is an expectorant.  You can find Guaifenesin tablets in pharmacies and online.  Guaifenesin is available over the counter in tablet form.  They are better than Robitussin because the tablets have the Guaifenesin as the only ingredient which ensures thin mucus.
There are also sperm safe lubricants you can use.  Preseed and Conceive Plus are 2 that I have heard great lubricants I have heard about.

I have tried the Guaifenesin in the form of Robitussin.  That lasted until I threw up the Robitussin because the taste is nasty.  I think I will be grabbing some of the Guaifenesin tablets at my earliest convenience.  (Mucinex contains this ingredient if you can’t find the actual Guaifenesin but be cautious with other ingredients in the product!)  We didn’t have the extra funding for the lube this month-I know this sounds horrible-so we will try that after the holidays I believe.

If you would like to find out information about other tips & tricks that you are too afraid to try, let me know.  If it’s something that I feel comfortable trying I will try it and post for the world to see…unless it involves egg whites in my vagina.  Stay tuned for the next installment of Tips & Tricks for TTC-Debunked! Baby dust and hugs to all!

The following link is where I found the videos for using Egg Whites for fertility.  If you are serious about trying this method please watch this first 🙂  http://www.tryingtoconceive.com/eggwhites.htm

Gallery

We are expecting: a nervous breakdown

This gallery contains 3 photos.

Anyway, the longer we are ttc, the more freaked out I get. Think about it. The first pregnancy you are happy and excited and minimally concerned for miscarriage. It won’t happen to you. Nope. You and your baby are invincible. … Continue reading

Holidays and the blues

I am a pessimist.  Always have been, always will be.  I think this is part of the reason why I despise the holidays.  My husband, poor Jeremy, gets the brunt of this.  Trying to get pregnant takes a toll on everyone in the family when emotions cloud joy and happiness.  I used to love the holidays.  I probably would already have the house decorated, complete with tree and outside lights.  Usually I have the holiday dinners at my house every year but this year is different.
When we found out I was pregnant in April, one of the very first things I said was “HEY! This baby will be here right around Christmas!!” and my husbands quick response was “And you will not be 9 months pregnant entertaining the entire family in our house!”  That was perfectly fine with me.  Not knowing if I would be in the hospital having a baby or so tired that I couldn’t cook the normal feast for 15 people made the proclamation from Jeremy completely acceptable.  When we lost the baby in June I realized that this plan was probably still the best idea.  I knew the holidays would be difficult…way more difficult than usual.  I always get incredibly stressed out starting right about now and the stress doesn’t end until the end of the last night of Christmas celebrations.  As I worked through my grief in the past few months I thought it wouldn’t be so bad.  I tried to tell myself I could get through it with the support from my husband.  He said our house would be our “safe haven” when I start feeling overwhelmed we could come home to our quiet house with our fur-babies and relax.  Now, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I don’t want to leave my house.  I wake up in the morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair but I pick myself up, go to work, and try to make the best of this life I am living.
To make things worse, my appointment with my RE is scheduled for tomorrow.  I told the receptionist that this was a cruel joke to give me shit news right before a day of thanks.  She reminded me that it’s not always negative news she gives me and to try to be positive.  As I said earlier this month, I was trying not to think about it.  I tried not to care.  That didn’t work so well for me this month.  Every day, at one moment or another, I would think about the test.  I would think about the fact that I would probably be pissed off tomorrow afternoon.  So, I created projects for myself to keep me busy as best I could.  I stayed in a good mood.  I kept my bitching to a minimum.  I tried not to think about the possible cramps or the other feelings you get when you are about to get your monthly curse.
Today was a great day at work.  I laughed, got a big part of a project done, got a hug from a very unexpected person who has WAY more crap going on in her life right now than I do (not to mention she’s a mean ass old lady), and I looked forward to coming home to my husband who is on vacation.  When I got home, I started getting upset.  I started losing my temper.  I caught myself becoming a witch.  I know the signs of PMS.  I know how I get and how my body gets when it gets near to that time of the month.  Right now, I am fighting it.  I don’t know if you can fight a menstrual cycle but dammit I am trying.

I promise my mom I would cook the turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and bake 3 pies.  I feel like a dumbass for agreeing to it because I really don’t want to do any of it.  So that’s where I sit.  At this exact moment I hate my body, my ovaries, my uterus, the holidays, and pretty much anything else that is going on at the moment.  I know we are trying to keep this light and humorous but sometimes that is just physically impossible.  I wanted to let you readers know that you don’t have to be ok all of the time.  If you feel like throwing a freshly roasted turkey at a wall, it’s normal. I considered asking my husband if we could go out into the country with a bag of potatoes and have target practice.  The holidays are difficult for a lot of people and I want you to know that I am right there with you.  There is no shame in grieving even if the grief is from a day ago or 35 years ago.

The cliché thing to say is “be thankful for what you have.”  Yeah. Do that but take care of yourself as well.  Try not to worry about what others are thinking of you when you avoid a family function because seeing someone may make it that much more difficult for you not to start the family brawl before the gravy hits the table.
Try to relax (hahahaha yeah…I know) and make your holidays the best you can for you.  I will probably just eat all of the food and stuff myself until I pass out and don’t wake up until Monday morning.
Much love and hugs.