Prepare to cry

Not so much a blog post today, just an update. If you haven’t noticed, Kristen and I have compiled a list of our favorite miscarriage and infertility songs on a tab called “Listen at your own risk.”  I have taken the liberty of adding all of the songs we’ve chosen into a YouTube playlist for your convenience. That way, you have access to them whenever you need a little inspiration or a really good cry. The link is on the “Listen at your own risk” page. Bring on the tears.

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Unexpected (and unwelcome) emotions

I know Kristen already posted today, but I had an unexpected breakdown yesterday I want to share with you. So if you haven’t yet, check out her blog from earlier, so that you don’t accidentally skip over it. 🙂

Yesterday, I had a migraine all day, which is one of many health problems my body and my mother have blessed me with. (Thanks Mom!) My loving Christopher thought he would try and ease my pain by trying to “impregnate me.”His words, not mine. (It’s been 4 months ttc since we lost Mason.) That works for headaches, but not so much for migraines. Too much head flopping and brain shaking… However, I love the fact that he knows what will make me feel better. Babies. Babies make me feel better. My babies, not other people’s babies that is. He even suggested we can have twins and quadruplets! The idea of twins freak him out and quadruplets freak me out. We’d both be running for the hills at that point. Ok, not really since I’ve always wanted 4 babies, but since he has 2 of his own (8 year old Emily and 9 year old Brooke,) he told me our limit is 2. What would probably happen if by some miracle I get pregnant with quads is that I would keep 2 and give 2 to Kristen… Happy birthday, friend!

If you have ever experienced a loss, you probably know that you have good days and bad days. After your initial phase of grief wears off, you’re probably pretty good at knowing your triggers and what things/people/dates/events to avoid to keep your sanity. As previously mentioned, my triggers are new babies, pregnant women, pregnant women at weddings, pregnant women at family functions, pregnancy related posts, pregnancy announcements, ultrasounds, etc… Side note: I had an unexpected pregnancy announcement yesterday and I remained calm, gave my congratulations, and did not cry. Round of applause for me. You do what you can to keep yourself in check, but sometimes there are those things that just pop up out of nowhere and your suddenly a blubbering mess.

Side note/Background information: (Side note on the side note: Yes, I am aware that I have multiple side notes. I’m slightly ADD and I’m giving you the information in the order my brain gives it to me. Welcome to my world.) Chris loves football. He loves his Cleveland Browns and I love being able to share that with him. When I found out I was pregnant, I told Chris by wrapping up Cleveland Browns pacifiers in a gift bag. Soon after we found out Mason’s due date, who at the time was called Bug, was January 26. This was my grandpa’s birthday, so it must be a special day. My birthday is February 3, just a week after, so I’d be getting the best gift EVAR!!! Guess what else is February 3 of next year? The Super Bowl. Chris loves football, Chris loves babies, genius idea– I’ll buy Mason his first Super Bowl outfit to wear! Are you seeing the football theme? Boy or girl, it didn’t matter, my baby was going to be dressed in football clothes for it’s first Super Bowl party. I was so excited!

Ok, so unexpected and unwelcome emotions. Fast forward a bit in time from the pregnancy/loss in June, back to last night. I still have a migraine, and I’m trying to sleep. We’re talking about moving and Chris mentions that if all goes well, maybe we could have a Super Bowl party in the new house! My reaction- “That would be so much…. that wouldn’t be so fun.” If there was a way to shrink those last words, I would have done it. I trailed off at this point* As I was saying how much fun I thought that would be, my brain reminded me that I won’t have Mason there with us. I burst into tears. Chris was so supportive about it, which I love about him. He lets me cry and holds me tight. He is absolutely amazing. The Super Bowl is my new, unexpected trigger. Who woulda thunk it? This may be the only time I am glad the Browns have no chance at all, but there’s always next year…