I still exist…

Hello world.
I am a failure as a blogger. Thank goodness Candi has kept this thing moving but I know it’s been quite stagnant with no posts from either of us lately. So many things have happened since the last time I posted anything.
Of course, Candi is pregnant. I think she has that subject covered. 🙂
I switched jobs. I left a place that made me miserable and incredibly depressed. I am now working as an office manager and I am super happy…except when people do/say incredibly stupid crap and make me want to smack them. (That just happened…I almost yelled.)
I have started this great weight loss/lifestyle change called Herbalife. I started March 8th and to this date I have lost 20 lbs. That is the most weight I have ever lost in the history of me trying to lose weight. We are hoping that this helps in the baby factory to boost production. I thought maybe I was hallucinating because I couldn’t tell that I was losing any weight until this morning when I realized my pants are super baggy. Crazy for me since my clothes are never baggy.

I had that hsg in January and nothing, nada, zilch. I ovulated with meds for the last couple months but nothing. Depression set in and I decided I needed a break.

And then the shit hit the fan. My dad died. He had been on dialysis for 6 years due to a chronic kidney disease and he decided it was his time to go. This is still pretty raw and will probably need a whole separate blog post because I can barely talk about it without needing a Xanax. We took him to Hospice on the 21st of March. The 22nd I stepped away for a doctor’s appointment. Of course for a pregnancy test/check up at the fertility clinic. I had a good sign and thought I might actually be pregnant and maybe in the back of my mind I could convince my dad to go back on dialysis. I know this was a dumb thought but I had it. Of course I was not pregnant. So on top of all of the emotional stuff I had going on with my dad, I had that to deal with too. Saturday, March 23rd, my dad passed away. I watched my daddy take his last breath surrounded by our family. You say you are ready when someone makes a decision like this but really you are not. Ever. I have a giant hole in my heart now and I know I will forever.

This has been a pretty ridiculous 2013 and I was really wanting this year to be a great year. It has had its ups and downs and it’s only April. That brings me to a whole new world of triggers. 1 year ago, on the 13th, I found out I was pregnant. So, I am on a fertility break. The doctor agreed that this is not the time for me to be trying since I am now being medicated for stress and anxiety and insomnia. I think it’s really about time I go see that shrink. I am hoping that I don’t go completely off the deep end because we know that I am already in the shallows heading my way there.
I promise I won’t be away so much. I will be writing posts as much as I can. I need to get my mind off of everything else, or at least have a place where I can say what I want and not give a damn if anyone is offended. This is all over the place and I know that but please forgive me. I have to blurt it all out and in time it will all be explained bit by bit.
Love to all…my uterus says hi too.

Holidays, hormones, and the Apocalypse

Well, as I feared would happen I failed to keep my goal of blogging every day. It’s been quiet in crazy town. A little too quiet. Technically though, it hasn’t been quiet. I just figured that if I wrote down what I was feeling and posted it online the courts would have hard evidence and I would get a longer stay in the crazy house.
So I will fill you in on everything I can think of.

The holidays.
I hate the holidays. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not really actual hate it’s more of a dislike of the pressure we all have to sit around a table with people we barely see and make chit-chat while shoveling food in your face then open gifts that we can’t afford to buy and really hope the receiver doesn’t hate it but you had no clue what to get for them because, again, you see them a few times a year and never talk. Remember what happened with Thanksgiving? I found out, yet again, I wasn’t pregnant? Fast forward about 30 days. Rinse and repeat. On the 21st I had my appointment to get checked. I was trying not to get my hopes up. I love Candi but I swear on my life her optimism may, in fact, be killing me. I mean that with all love and respect and thankfulness that she is positive for me and the both of us but one of these days I am going to kick her ass. Everything that was going on was a sign that AF was coming…or a sign that Jeremy jr was growing in my womb. I believed the first, Candi the second. I was right, she was wrong. We were both crushed. I HAD been having an ok day or 2 before I found out. I was getting in the Christmas spirit. I was thinking maybe my Christmas miracle was about to happen. Nope. The powers that be told me to go screw myself without a second thought. I should have known this was going to happen after I lost my temper with our car salesman (had to buy a new car the week before Christmas….ridiculous) and called him every name I could think of in a 5 second time span. That’s where my hormones come into play. I ripped this car salesman a new one. Tore him up one side and down the other. I didn’t stop there. I ripped my husband a new one. I ripped a sales guy at Verizon a new one for being a dick and ALMOST threw my phone at him but then I realized I couldn’t afford bail money if I did that.
So. The day the Mayans ran out of room on a rock and caused a lot of crack pots to believe the world would end, I went bat shit crazy. After the doctors and the Verizon incidents, we got in our new car and as I backed up to leave my phone went off. I had a new e-mail. YAY! Maybe this is the e-mail from the company I have been interviewing with for the past month, where I just had an interview with 2 of the owners and I am pretty sure I got this job. So sure in fact that I cleaned out my desk at my current job when I decided to “rage quit” because I only got a 15 cent raise because I am “too loud and don’t know how to stop talking.” I open up the e-mail with excitement. I read: Dear Kristen, Thank you for showing interest in the position however, we have chosen to go with the other candidate…. I stopped reading and threw my phone. I EXPLODED. If spontaneous combustion is real, I should have done it right then and there. My husband looked like he saw a bomb go off in his face and he knew the shock wave was coming for him. I honestly don’t remember the rest of that evening except I cried. I sobbed in fact. I sobbed like I did when we lost the baby. All my “new dreams” had been crushed again. I don’t really remember talking to anyone for a few days. I truly went off the deep end. I am really starting to question my mental stability these days. And of course, like clockwork, Aunt Flo came into town just in time for Christmas and caused me to be an emotional mess the entire holiday.

I read on theinfertilityvoice.com a post about the apocalypse and it really hit home for me. I mean, too close to home. She said: “There may have been moments in your own family building journey: a pregnancy loss, an adoption fall through, or even just another BFN – those days may have felt like your own personal End Times. We don’t need prophets and wackadoos telling us the world is going to end when many of us have lived through a monthly apocalypse of our own.” Amen sister. That is the truth. Many people don’t understand this. They think we are the wackadoos (I am one but still…) My world ended again on Friday the 21st which is freaky but just happened to be a coincidence. The 22nd I woke up and started fresh even though I didn’t really want to. All week I thought about how I shouldn’t be getting another BFN. I should be holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms. I should be fighting for sleep. I should be recovering from bringing new life into this world. Instead, I was crying because of grief. I was trying to make new memories to help heal the scars of my loss. I went to church hoping that I can find my faith that I have lost track of and need to find again. I spent time with my best friend and her family and made fun memories. But I never forgot what I was trying to heal from.
My 2 best friends bought me gifts for Christmas that were perfect. Hilarious and perfect. Candi bought me a book called “I hate everything.” It is perfect. When I start getting upset, I pick this book up and read a few pages and laugh. She knows me way too well. Calley bought me this box that says “Friends will help you up when you fall, but best friends will push you back down and laugh.” Inside she put fertility rocks and crystals and said to put them by my bed since they are supposed to do something. I have 2 of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I have an amazing husband (even though sometimes he’s a jerk but he’s working on it and I’m working on not being such a psycho bitch….) and I am very lucky.

Even though my world ended again on the 21st I am very lucky. I’m alive. I have my loved ones, my home, my fur-babies, a job, and a car we are paying way too much for. I am very lucky.

Gallery

We are expecting: a nervous breakdown

This gallery contains 3 photos.

Anyway, the longer we are ttc, the more freaked out I get. Think about it. The first pregnancy you are happy and excited and minimally concerned for miscarriage. It won’t happen to you. Nope. You and your baby are invincible. … Continue reading

Making peope uncomfortable since 1984

Candi and I are sitting at the flea market trying to raise some money for our company and the fertility grant we plan on giving out in the 1st quarter of 2013.  The day started trying to find out how many people we could make uncomfortable by just sitting here.  We have a table set up with all of our jewelry and our raffle ticket info and the prizes behind it.  We are pretty impressed with ourselves.  People started coming in and they take a quick glance at our sign and immediately look away.  There are also the teenagers that walk in, ignore us in general and are dumb.  No one, aside from Candi’s mom, her cousin, and the owner of the shop has given us more than a second look.  There are a few people that have lingered and looked but not much else.  I have enjoyed it because it’s been nice hanging out with Candi and we have been on pinterest all day.  What we have sold has been great because it is a fundraiser for my friend Trisha that is going through infertility issues as well.  I am actually super excited that we have been able to sell somethings for her.

Anyway, we have noticed that any site of our sign immediatly stirs a fear in people.  Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation.  BAM! Right in your face.  I would venture to say there were 25-30 people in and out of that place (this is in a VERY small town outside of another small town).  Of those 30 people, aside from Candi’s mom, 2 people physically stopped and investigated our table.  1 woman with a little girl who was looking at our letters for our jewelry.  The mom had a conversation with us, albeit short, but spoke with us about the company.  The 2nd person was a man who stood back and just looked.  I was happy 2 people looked and didn’t avert their glances after immediately seeing what we were there for.  There were people that walked into the building that I had seen around town.  I knew who they were and yet no one said anything.  This is why we started our company.  We need to raise awareness and help these 2 incredibly difficult topics become something more than shocking or uncomfortable.

Tomorrow I plan to push.  I plan to make more attempts at chatting folks up.  I played it safe today and kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know what to expect and we were eating pumpkin pie.  Tomorrow that pie will not interfere with my need to make people uncomfortable.  I have a lot of plans to continue making people uncomfortable since that seems to be the only way to make them pay attention.  People I work with now know that most of the time I will talk about my uterus or our son that we lost.  Sometimes I can see them being uncomfortable but it lasts a second when they realize they aren’t getting out of the conversation.  I have learned more about people this way in the past few months than I would have ever learned about them if I didn’t push the boundaries.

Push boundaries with me.  When someone tells you something that is rude or something that is meant to help, tell them why you feel it was rude or not the correct thing to say.  I don’t mean everything has to be politically correct….believe me…it doesn’t.  Candi and I told her cousin today that because she has 6 kids, she is a whore.  Very inappropriate but hey, it’s called humor.  I had no problem telling a woman the facts when she told me I wasn’t a real mother because I didn’t have my baby and that he wasn’t alive.  I have no problem reminding people who complain about their kid screaming in the middle of the night that I would give my life for a child to scream for me in the middle of the night.  I do refrain from telling them that if they say that one more time I will knock their teeth out.
So there you have it.  Our first foray into the public and we are doing exactly how I thought we would.  Just perfect.

UTERI Unite!
Yes, I googled that and uteri is the actual plural for uterus…don’t start with me Candi. 🙂

A slightly blurry photo of Kristen and Candi at the Burbank Indoor Flea Market

Hormones and the 2 week wait

My doctor told me once that my hormones were out of whack.  I knew this before I spent $30k on fertility treatments but I’m glad he noticed.  Since we lost the baby in June of this year, we were unable to “try” again to get pregnant until my hcg levels reached 0.  It took almost 3 months.  In that time span, not only did my body completely revolt but it decided to add new and unwanted hormonal effects.  We started trying again in late August and I only did ovulation induction pills.  Everything else we figured we’d try on our own.  Of course…no luck.  September rolled around and we tried again only this time my body told me to go screw myself and my follicle, or egg, turned into a massive cyst.  Luckily it disappeared and didn’t stop any further attempts at getting pregnant.  I went back in October and after taking the medications later in my cycle was shocked to find I had 3 follicles.  2 were good size and 1 was small.  In a panic I set out to gather funding to pay for the hcg trigger shot and 1 iui.  I thought “This is it!  2 at once and we are no longer paying this doctors mortgage!”  Unfortunately that too did not work.  That brings us to this month.

Let me backtrack a bit.  If you are going through ANY kind of efforts trying to conceive, you know your stress level is outrageous.  Anything added on top of that makes your chances of conceiving that much worse.  You know that every pinch, tug, twinge, pull, stabbing pain or ache makes you hopeful.  You fantasize for 2 weeks after “trying” about this miracle that could be growing inside you.  I hate that part.  I get my hopes up and my heartbroken every month without fail.

So, this month, we are trying again.  I had 1 follicle that was 25mm.  That’s a good size.  I had my appointment on Friday and OF COURSE my doctor was out-of-town.  Due to that, I had to wait to get results on blood work to see where I was sitting as far as ovulation goes.  I had gone about my day and in the middle of a chiropractor appointment I get a phone call from my RE’s office saying “Doc says you are ready and he wants you to have an hcg shot.  Can you be here now?”  I panic.  Of course I rush my chiropractor along and race back to my RE’s office to get stabbed with a syringe full of pregnancy hormone.  Normally, that medication does not bother me.  I get no side effects and I barely know I had the shot until I feel ovulation happen.  This time was a different story.  As I drove home I received a call about a job interview.  I was so taken aback by this call saying they needed to interview me right then that I may have freaked out.  I had 1 hour and 35 minutes to get ready and drive an hour for the interview.  When I got home I found that my suit pants were missing.  Immediately this is my poor husbands fault.  I flew into a rage and tore the house apart looking for my pants.  He finally braved the storm and came up to help me look and he immediately went to his dresser.  My exact words were “Do you think the effing laundry fairy magically put my damn pants into your dresser because she so freaking stupid she didn’t know whose ass those belong on?”  At that moment my life was over.  I was in hysterics.  The smart man I married said “I love you and I am going to work.”  I screamed a little more and then moved to my dresser where sure as hell I found my pants right where I had put them the week before.  I texted Jeremy and told him I was sorry and then Candi called.  I released my rage on her and then immediately felt like the biggest jerk in the world.  Now, this shot makes me crazy.  Just great.

So now I sit and wait.  I am in what is known as the dreaded “2 week wait.”  The only significance to this is that I have to wait for 2 weeks from the day I received the hcg shot to find out if I got pregnant.  We didn’t do any artificial insemination.  We only did the deed and hoped that everything swam into place.  I try to compare how I felt when I actually got pregnant to now and I can’t.  I don’t remember how I felt.  I honestly don’t remember feeling any different than I did on a normal day.  Right now, I don’t care.  That may sound wrong but I know that the stress of worrying about everything that is now out of my control does not help.  The test will either be negative or positive and then we go from there.  The only advice I can give to people is to try not to care.  That sounds even crazier but if you can find something to occupy your mind instead of sitting and wondering, you stand a better chance of having a better out come.  I know that I still care.  I worry.  I panic.  I am nervous.  I am petrified.  I also know that if this month is negative I can try again next month.  Not everyone has that knowledge.

All of this trying and waiting is horrible.  Candi and I are both waiting.  We are practically in sync with each other and can probably find out the same day.  Either there will be much rejoicing or a lot of crying and bitching about our bodies.  I also know that everyone has different experiences.  I am curious to hear about yours.  It’s something that is difficult to share about but one of our goals for Lotus Be is to get people talking.  So, to all of you trying to conceive right now, baby dust and good thoughts to you all.  To all of you still waiting for the ok to start trying again, even more baby dust and hugs and support.  We all got dealt a raw deal.  All of us will make amazing mommies one day and until that day comes we need to build a strong support system and stick together.  I have had people look at me like I am crazy when I say I want to make infertility and miscarriage something that is talked about as much as any other disease or problem people face.  Stand up with us and help us break the silence and shout “My reproductive organs are here, we’re jacked up, help us fix it!”

I would also like to ask if you will please excuse my insanity for the next few weeks.  My uterus and I are in deep conversation and I tend to get loud and obnoxious.  I yell at my uterus sometimes hoping that will help give it some motivation to stop pissing me off.  Again, I am hormonal and insane so please exuse me.

Guess who’s (not) coming to dinner!

*I’m really, really wanting to post something crazy funny, but as I’m typing, my words are more sober than happy drunk. I’m not really sure what the opposite of sober is in this situation. Or do I mean somber… Anyways…

So the trouble with grieving (a loss or the inability to conceive) is that it doesn’t stop time. Your friends move on, your family move on, the world keeps on spinning. The AWESOME things about this most recent loss of mine is that I have a good friend, “Megan”, due 2 weeks before I should have been and a cousin, “Devin”, due 2 weeks after. My due date was my grandpa’s birthday, January 26. I have another pregnant best friend, “Liz.” I am surrounded by crazy pregnant hormones and I’m not seeming to be catching whatever it is they have.

Let me back track just a tad. Last month was the wedding of a cousin of mine. We’ll call him “Jeremy.” See above paragraph where I have a pregnant cousin- not the same ones, but yes, same family. Somehow in my excitement for celebrating the marriage of these two lovebirds, Jeremy and “Dani”, I neglected to register that above said pregnant cousin (Devin – wife of cousin “Stevie”) would also be attending said nuptials. Well, as soon as I saw Stevie, I burst into tears. No joke- hysterical- oh-my-gosh-I’m-dying-of-a-broken-heart, sobbing, tears. I excused myself to the bathroom for some tissues, got two quick hugs from cousins, “Gwen” and “Jess”, and headed back to the ceremony. I couldn’t control the raw emotion that overcame me. I felt as if I had just lost Mason, and here it had been 4 months. I continued this awful, ugly, crying throughout the ceremony. I felt HORRIBLE. How would you feel if some crazy psycho made a scene during your wedding???

Fast forward a month, and it’s holiday time! Yay for family get-togethers, lots of delicious food, and happiness. Right? Yeah, no. Sorry family, but here is my public announcement: I will not be attending Thanksgiving. I will not be attending Christmas. I will not be attending any other parties that are between here and the foreseeable future. I do NOT want to be around my (very dear, sweet) pregnant cousin when I should be 2 weeks fatter than her. This is no reflection on her or my family, but on me. I can’t control my emotions. They are raw and horrible. I am still grieving the loss of my son. I do not want to subject my loved ones to yet another (or multiple) scene(s). Nope. I am not gunna do it.

Come January 26, when Mason should be in my arms and instead I’m seeing pictures and announcements and excitement, please excuse me for not sharing your joy. Yes, I am happy for your blessing, but I am still grieving over mine.

I guess my point here isn’t that I’m trying to hide my grief, but that I am trying to contain it just a little. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, and this time it has the benefit of not upsetting my family. Everyone grieves differently. There is no timeline. There are no rules. There is no “right” or “wrong.” We do what we are able to do on a particular day and rejoice when we realized we’ve survived. We will all survive. We will come out stronger than when we started our journeys and we will have absolutely no clue how we did it, but we will.

Here’s to hope, faith, courage, love, and understanding friends.

P.S. The names I used in this blog are in fact not changed in any way…