OOOOOOOOH I wish I had a…

Vaginal ultrasound machine. I actually sang this to the tune of the Oscar Myer bologna song. Try it! It really works well. A vaginal ultrasound machine takes the guess-work out of ovulation. There are other things I could do. For instance, I could buy OPK’s. Which I did from the dollar tree. I am too cheap and too poor to buy them from the real pharmacy where they have multiple sticks and you don’t have to provide your own cup. The results were that I was not having a LH surge, yet I feel like there is something going on with my ovary…particularly the left one.
With us being on a “break” so to speak from the fertility clinic, I took no ovulation inducer. I am off every type of hormone known to medicine aside from what my body does, or doesn’t in my case, create. This is why I would like a vaginal ultrasound machine. You can see any follicles on your ovaries. Unfortunately, these machines cost many thousands of dollars. You also would probably do best if you had an ultrasound tech that could read them (or a really great husband that would hold the wand where you tell him…HAH!) I also have the thought that my bff would be coming over for ultrasounds all the time (they do come with the non vaginal wands when you buy the machine) so we can make sure little dude is alright.

This whole thought has been going on all week. I should be ovulating at some point this week if I were going to ovulate. I have no idea if it’s worth it to stay up until the husband gets home to baby dance and then be so exhausted in the morning I can’t function. I’m not sleeping all that well but apparently when Jeremy came home the other night and tried to “wake me up”, I smacked the shit out of him. I recall none of this. His being on 2nd shift makes procreation a very difficult thing. He is either waking up in the middle of his “night”, meaning 6am, to give me a sample in a cup or I am staying up way too late, meaning 12-1am, to do the deed and plant his seed. This makes us both very cranky.
ANYWAY! If i just had access to my very own ultrasound machine I would be set. I would know when I could sleep and not worry that ovulation is occurring at every turn. I would also know when to make my husband do his duties as a man.

Normally, I wouldn’t be worried about ovulation without medication. However, I have lost 20lbs in the last month and the doctor told me that with every 10lbs I lose my chances of ovulating go up a good percentage. This means I may not have to go back and spend every last dime I have to get knocked up. Or I could save those pennies to have an ultrasound machine…

It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes ūüôā

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me ūüôā

Tips for TTC part 2

Good morning folks.  I come to you again with some crazy ideas on making your baby dust work and dreams come true…or at least try.  I have been doing a lot of research on a few topics that I would like to share.  They may seem like common sense but I didn’t think about them or know that they would really change an outcome.  Now, as I have said before, I am no doctor so this is all coming from my research, word of mouth and I give it to you with hopes that you will find what works for you.

I have a few of them today.
First one is absolute crap but hilarious because people were stupid enough to try this. This was an answer to a yahoo question about weird and unique tips for trying to get pregnant.
“Well, when my husband and I were trying (we now have an 8 month old girl!) he used to pull out and then roar between my legs..supposedly to ‘scare the sperm’ right to the top! I can’t vouch for its scientific merits, but it worked for us!”
I would say I want video but that’s not true. I could imagine telling Jeremy “hey, after you finish you should yell at my vagina because your sperm need a good roar to scare them. Kind of like a pep talk you know?”
I can’t stop laughing. People are stupid.

Here’s another tip: don’t ask how to get pregnant on yahoo questions. People are stupid.

I read somewhere, of course I can’t find it now, that as you near ovulation your urine gets darker. I have absolutely no idea if this is true but I am keeping an eye on this. I am currently on CD8. I go in on the 3rd to check for follicles (I’m kind of hoping there are like 7 that way there are 7 possibilities to make a baby. I have never O’d more than 3 on this drug though…) I drink almost only water. Of course I am guzzling coffee as I type this. I will report back to you on the color of my pee. Right now it’s pretty much clear. I only know when I’m going to ovulate because my doctor tells me or gives me a shot so I will know almost exactly when it happens. I am completely awesome like that.

Third one for the day. Don’t douche. Yes. This is something I asked my doctor because I wanted to make sure I could say with certainty you should avoid. Douching can wipe out normal, GOOD bacteria. It can cause the ph balance to go all wacky and make it even harder to get pregnant. If you think you may have an infection or something, call your doctor because getting any infection cleared up will aid in getting a bun in the oven as well.

This last one for the day is something that many people argue about. Elevating your hips after the sexy time. Fact number one: if you lay with your legs up in the air after sex your hips/reproductive organs are not elevated. Only your legs are. If you put a pillow under your bum then your hips are slightly higher. Legs in the air=pointless. Hips (ACTUAL HIPS) elevated=possible help. It is also a good plan to lay around “after” for 10 minutes or so. You don’t have to. You don’t have to have your hips in the air. We have tried everything in this department. Sometimes I just get disgusted and get up right away. I will say that after an iui in my doctor’s office they have me lay on the flat table for 5-10 minutes. I assume if it’s good enough for them it’s good enough for me.

I hope that gives you a few more things to “try” or more advise to ignore. Stay tuned for part 3. I’m thinking up some good ones ūüôā

Tips and Tricks for TTC-Debunked part 1

To preface this post and series about tips and tricks being debunked…I am not a medical professional.¬† I like to put myself into really embarrassing situations and then tell people about it.¬† If you really want to know if something works or is safe please, consult an actual physician or someone who has spent more than 3 months in medical school like I did.¬† Thank you.
Anyone in the TTC game knows that everyone has their own tips and tricks to tell you about.¬† Everyone thinks that if they get pregnant than whatever they were doing is the key to getting pregnant and if they didn’t get pregnant than whatever they tried that month is a complete failure and they will never try it again.¬† For example.¬† The month I got pregnant I had been changing our eating habits.¬† I went from eating crap, over processed, sugar/carb filled, horrible food to eating an almost vegetarian diet with mostly organic fruits and vegetables and hormone/antibiotic free chicken and wild fish.¬† I lost about 15 lbs at the last check before I went hog-wild.¬† After I found out I was pregnant I was convinced that my new eating habits, my lack of caring for the reproductive process and being more active got me pregnant.¬† I am sure it helped but I don’t think it ACTUALLY was a major factor.¬† Technically I was already pregnant a few days after I tried all of this.
So I decided, after reading some hilarious tricks and tips, to try them.¬† Not only for my own amusement but to prove to others that we TTC people are absolutely insane and will try damn near anything to help us get our babies we so desperately want to bring home healthy.¬† I will most likely try everything I describe here.¬† Probably starting out nice and easy then hitting you with the really insane stuff.¬† I also will tell you about things that I am almost certain I won’t try.¬† Like this.

According to my research, many women use egg whites as a form of lubricant.¬† Yes people.¬† EGG WHITES.¬† I thought my dear friend, who shall remain nameless, had flipped her lid when she told me this was a relatively common practice.¬† I had never heard of this until yesterday.¬† Basically you take an egg (the possibility for salmonella is only if you try to insert the entire egg with the shell because the shell is the only thing that could be contaminated so don’t stick an entire egg in your vagina please) and separate the yolk from the white.¬† You place the egg white in a cup and set it by your bedside 1 hour prior to sexy time so it will reach room temperature prior to insertion.¬† The video I watch explained that you could use a syringe (with no needle) or an actual turkey baster.¬† That made me laugh hysterically as I watched a middle-aged woman joyfully play with a turkey baster.¬† So, after it’s at room temperature and about 10 minutes before you proceed, insert the egg white into your lady parts.¬† If you are curious as to where to insert, the lady in the video told me “the place where we douche.”¬† Where the penis goes would have sufficed, thank you.¬† After you insert the egg white DO NOT STAND UP!¬† It will slip right on out.¬† The next step is to have sex.
*Side note – I was explaining this to my friend at work and I realized, and said, this.¬† There are already enough noises going on during sex and I’m not sure I can handle the sloshing noises that would be made if I added an egg white.¬† I have such a messed up mind that I wondered about scrambled eggs as well.
That was pretty much the end of the tutorial.
NOW!¬† The few people who I have spoken to about this “trick” have told me that it did not work.¬† I believe, until I ask my doctor tomorrow strictly out of curiosity, we will not be trying this.¬† It makes me nervous because I just don’t know if food needs to be involved in conception-outside of a diet of course.¬† This is supposed to make you “sperm friendly” and give you that egg white consistency to help the swimmers reach the target easier.¬† If you choose to try this, let me know how it works for you.¬† I will report back if we try it.
If you would rather a less disgusting way of getting that egg white cervical mucus consistency give some over the counter meds a try, with doctor’s permission if you are seeing a specialist for this stuff.¬† Guaifenesin is an expectorant.¬† You can find Guaifenesin tablets in pharmacies and online.¬† Guaifenesin is¬†available over the counter in tablet form.¬† They are better than Robitussin because the tablets have the Guaifenesin as the only ingredient which ensures thin mucus.
There are also sperm safe lubricants you can use.  Preseed and Conceive Plus are 2 that I have heard great lubricants I have heard about.

I have tried the Guaifenesin in the form of Robitussin.¬† That lasted until I threw up the Robitussin because the taste is nasty.¬† I think I will be grabbing some of the¬†Guaifenesin tablets at my earliest¬†convenience. ¬†(Mucinex contains this ingredient if you can’t find the actual Guaifenesin but be cautious with other ingredients in the product!)¬† We didn’t have the extra funding for the lube this month-I know this sounds horrible-so we will try that after the holidays I believe.

If you would like to find out information about other tips & tricks that you are too afraid to try, let me know.¬† If it’s something that I feel comfortable trying I will try it and post for the world to see…unless it involves egg whites in my vagina.¬† Stay tuned for the next installment of Tips & Tricks for TTC-Debunked!¬†Baby dust and hugs to all!

The following link is where I found the videos for using Egg Whites for fertility.¬† If you are serious about trying this method please watch this first ūüôā¬† http://www.tryingtoconceive.com/eggwhites.htm

Give me the chocolate and I will only slightly harm you.

A normal woman has her monthly “visit” every 28-30 days, give or take a few days.¬† I don’t unless it’s medically induced. That’s the wonderful part of having PCOS (please read that as sarcastically¬†as you choose.)¬† I don’t remember exactly how old I was when I “started” but I think I was 11 or 12.¬† From the jump it was never normal.¬† I never knew when it was coming.¬† I lived in fear from the time I was 8 years old when my mother explained what she used those sticky pieces of paper for.¬† I would go to the bathroom in 2nd grade and check every day because I was petrified I would have blood coming from an unholy place and then I would have a baby.¬† I don’t know how I missed that middle step of what makes a baby.¬† I think my mom left that part out.¬† I do, however, remember being at my grandma’s house one hot summer day getting ready to go to my father’s house in a cute little outfit of white shorts and a tank top.¬† I got out of the lake after swimming and when I went to change I saw red…literally.¬† I figured then life was over.

Here I am, 16 years later…it pains me to say that by the way…wishing I had a normal, reliable, regular cycle.¬† It may make this baby thing a bit easier.¬† The thought never entered my mind that being so screwed up in the reproductive area would result in difficulty conceiving a baby.¬† Since we began our journey of trying to get pregnant, my doctors have tried everything from Clomid¬†and Provera¬†to what we are doing now which is just Letrozole (Femara) every month and then my cycle restarts like clock work if I am not pregnant.¬† It is not, however, the same every month.¬† I don’t know how many women are going through what I am going to explain but if there is just 1 person out there then I know I am not just nuts.
(This is where, if you are my brother, you stop reading unless you already have and then if your wife is reading this you should gross him out with all of the gross details because I like to watch him squirm.)

Ever since losing the baby in June I have had ridiculously odd flows.¬† I went from having a d&c to not bleeding much afterwards which the doctor told me was weird.¬† He put me on birth control to keep my cycles coming in normal fashion.¬† Once that started I again had really light periods.¬† Then 2 months later I believe, it was like Hiroshima hit my pants.¬† I woke up one morning covered in blood.¬† I honestly thought I was hemorrhaging.¬† That was when the life altering, doubling over in pain cramps started.¬† I figured maybe I would have one bad one then I would be ok.¬† Boy was I wrong!¬† They seem to go in their own little circle of hell.¬† I have a really light one then a horrible one then a “normal” one.¬† Life still revolves around my uterus even when I am not trying to fill it with life.¬† I carry ample protection.¬† When I cleaned out my purse today I counted 6 pads and 3 tampons.¬† That’s not normal either but I really don’t know what to expect from one moment to another.

This month when I found out I wasn’t pregnant but my uterine lining was really thick according to the ultrasound, I figured it would be ugly.¬† Like the¬†nastiest fight scene in 300 and it would last for what¬†seemed like an eternity and I would¬†be a millionaire after my husband bought stock in Kotex.¬† Again I was wrong.¬† I have no clue what is going on in there but I will tell you that it is complete and utter¬†BS.¬† My uterus is a bitch.¬† Not only do¬†I feel like I didn’t get a good flush and fill but I feel like I got¬†screwed for December.¬† I am concerned that because it’s not all out of there I will have no luck¬†trying this month and I will have the worst cycle on Christmas.¬† Merry freakin’ Christmas baby, you aren’t gettin’ any.
I have¬†talked about this with my fertility doctor.¬† He has a penis.¬† He¬†only looks at vagina.¬†¬†He thinks I am insane.¬† I think he is¬†an ass…sometimes.¬† I think it may be time to revisit the subject with him¬†but it concerns me that he will want to do another biopsy on my uterus.¬† If you have had one of those done, you know why I have a severe panic attack at¬†even the mere thought of¬†that procedure.¬† It feels like a red-hot poker¬†stabbing you in your most precious of areas and then radiating pain all the way into your chest cavity.¬† This all happens in about 4 seconds but it’s enough to make you want to kick the doctor in the face while simultaneously vomiting on the person holding your hand.
So, we are back to square one.¬†¬†We decided to¬†go ahead with¬†trying again this month with just¬†the pills again.¬† January 1st our medical stuff restarts and we will be able to actually “afford” treatments…the ones that will probably land me in jail because I will become a raging lunatic on hormone shots¬†every day for a month.

Anyway, that is my rant about my monthly.¬†¬†As every other¬†woman in the world does, I hate it.¬† I wish I could¬†pull a Michelle Duggar¬†and just keep on poppin’ out the babies and get TLC to¬†follow me with a camera to show how amazing I am at being a mother to my 19¬†kids and counting…but I got screwed by genetics or probably by my fat.¬† Today I blame my fat.¬† I leave you with this amazing image.¬† It describes¬†exactly what my house is like for approximately 3-7 days a month every month until I get¬†so lucky as to get pregnant and STAY pregnant.¬† And then I will just keep on making that happen because I¬†would rather push a watermelon through¬†a tiny hole than bleed¬†every month.¬† It’s late, I’m rambling, Good night.

Unexpected (and unwelcome) emotions

I know Kristen already posted today, but I had an unexpected breakdown yesterday I want to share with you. So if you haven’t yet, check out her blog from earlier, so that you don’t accidentally skip over it. ūüôā

Yesterday, I had a migraine all day, which is one of many health problems my body and my mother have blessed me with. (Thanks Mom!) My loving Christopher thought he would try and ease my pain by trying to “impregnate me.”His words, not mine. (It’s been 4 months ttc since we lost Mason.) That works for headaches, but not so much for migraines. Too much head flopping and brain shaking… However, I love the fact that he knows what will make me feel better. Babies. Babies make me feel better. My babies, not other people’s babies that is. He even suggested we can have twins and quadruplets! The idea of twins freak him out and quadruplets freak me out. We’d both be running for the hills at that point. Ok, not really since I’ve always wanted 4 babies, but since he has 2 of his own (8 year old Emily and 9 year old Brooke,) he told me our limit is 2. What would probably happen if by some miracle I get pregnant with quads is that I would keep 2 and give 2 to Kristen… Happy birthday, friend!

If you have ever experienced a loss, you probably know that you have good days and bad days. After your initial phase of grief wears off, you’re probably pretty good at knowing your triggers and what things/people/dates/events to avoid to keep your sanity. As previously mentioned, my triggers are new babies, pregnant women, pregnant women at weddings, pregnant women at family functions, pregnancy related posts, pregnancy announcements, ultrasounds, etc… Side note: I had an unexpected pregnancy announcement yesterday and I remained calm, gave my congratulations, and did not cry. Round of applause for me. You do what you can to keep yourself in check, but sometimes there are those things that just pop up out of nowhere and your suddenly a blubbering mess.

Side note/Background information: (Side note on the side note: Yes, I am aware that I have multiple side notes. I’m slightly ADD and I’m giving you the information in the order my brain gives it to me. Welcome to my world.) Chris loves football. He loves his Cleveland Browns and I love being able to share that with him. When I found out I was pregnant, I told Chris by wrapping up Cleveland Browns pacifiers in a gift bag. Soon after we found out Mason’s due date, who at the time was called Bug, was January 26. This was my grandpa’s birthday, so it must be a special day. My birthday is February 3, just a week after, so I’d be getting the best gift EVAR!!! Guess what else is February 3 of next year? The Super¬†Bowl. Chris loves football,¬†Chris loves babies, genius idea– I’ll buy Mason his first Super Bowl outfit to wear! Are you seeing the football theme? Boy or girl, it didn’t matter, my baby was going to be dressed in football clothes for it’s first Super Bowl party. I was so excited!

Ok, so unexpected and unwelcome emotions. Fast forward a bit in time from the pregnancy/loss in June, back to last night. I still have a migraine, and I’m trying to sleep. We’re talking about moving¬†and Chris mentions that if all goes well, maybe we could have a Super Bowl party in the new house! My reaction- “That would be so much…. that wouldn’t be so fun.” If there was a way to shrink those last words, I would have done it. I trailed off at this point* As I was saying how much fun I thought that would be, my brain reminded me that I won’t have Mason there with us. I burst into tears. Chris was so supportive about it, which I love about him. He lets me cry and holds me tight. He is absolutely amazing. The Super Bowl is my new, unexpected trigger. Who woulda thunk it? This may be the only time I am glad the Browns have no chance at all, but there’s always next year…

Babies don’t come from storks- An amendment

*I would just like to preface this with if you are a family member, under the age of 18, or not aware of how procreation occurs, please do not read the following:

Last night my lovely boyfriend told me that he saw our LotusBe.com websiste. I didn’t think anything of it until this morning. I was struck by instant fear and I questioned him about if he had read the blog or the company page. I thought about my post yesterday about how “trying” isn’t the fun part. I was hoping he didn’t see that and take it the wrong way. I would just like to make an important¬†amendment. Everything I mentioned about trying is indeed not fun. However, anytime I can be close to the man I love is awesome. Sex, no sex,¬†cuddling, kissing, holding hands… whatever it is I love being close to him in all ways. That¬†definitely¬†is the fun part of “trying.” ¬†I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here. So let me just state, parts of “trying” are very, very fun. ūüėČ Love you babe.