The old wives and me: A recap and an update

Here is what the old wives and I thought.

Here is what the old wives and I thought.

So on Monday we had our 20 week ultrasound. If you’ve been following regularly, you’ll know that I’ve had a lot of fears about this pregnancy. If not, I’ll do a brief recap:

It started off rough. We were told early on to expect another miscarriage. That would have made 3 in a row. I did have some cramping and a little bleeding early on, but the little one just kept on keeping on. At our 6 week ultrasound we got to see our rainbow. There was a baby and a heartbeat! We were thrilled. This was huge! I lost Jordan at 6 weeks so having a heartbeat was awesome. With my next pregnancy with Mason, we found out at 9 weeks that it was a blighted ovum. The baby didn’t form. This time, at 6 weeks 6 days we had a baby with a heartbeat.

I was still terrified that things were going to end at any time. I was also afraid that my baby wasn’t going to have a brain. I was going to carry it to term, deliver it, and donate the organs. If you’ve seen the show Private Practice, you’ll know what I’m talking about. So we had our nuchal screening done at 12 weeks and baby is growing. The tech said that everything looked good, but she didn’t say if there was a brain or not. I just assumed there was and we moved on. Baby was still doing well, still thriving, and still had a nice strong heartbeat in the high 140s-160s, depending on the day.

20 weeks!! We made it halfway. I’m still afraid of losing the pregnancy, but now it would be considered a stillbirth instead of a miscarriage. Stillbirth holds a little more weight with people than miscarriage. At least those that have never experienced a loss. I know that is a morbid thought, but I’m just being honest. I’m sure I’ll have a little fear until the day my baby is born, but I’m feeling some kicks now and I love the reassurance.

20 weeks 5 days. Chris and I go in for the ultrasound. I’m dressed in a pink t-shirt and a pink hoodie. The tech shows us the different body parts on the screen. I’m just looking for a heartbeat or movement. I’m not seeing either and I’m a little freaked out. We see arms and legs, stomach, spine, and feet. She shows us the brain. My baby has a brain! Chris said, “There’s a brain!” He was kind of making fun of me, but I didn’t care. Then she says, “it’s a boy!” I start crying and I ask her if she’s sure. Chris has 2 daughters already, so I was praying for a boy. I would have bet money that we were having a girl. I would have loved it either way, but I wanted him to have a son. I was sobbing. Uncontrollable sobs. The tech had to ask me to keep my stomach still so she could finish up. His heartbeat was 166.  It was amazing, emotional, and awesome. The tech said he seems healthy. I think he’s perfect. My son. The old wives and I were wrong, but I’ve never been more happy to not be right.

Today, I’m 21 weeks. Only 3 more weeks until viability!!!

Baby boy at 20 weeks 5 days.

Baby boy at 20 weeks 5 days.

Halfway there!

Not much to report, just that we hit another milestone. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday means a new week in pregnancy land and today just happens to be week 20. Yay! We’ve made it halfway. Baby is now as long as a banana. The fears haven’t eased up yet. Hopefully, after the ultrasound, I’ll start to calm down. I did feel some flutters and a couple kicks this week though. Only 4 more weeks until we reach the point of viability. That’s our next milestone. Come on baby, you can do it. Grow baby, grow. ❤

The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

Letter to my little one: For when you doubt my love

Good morning sunshine! Right now we are 12 weeks pregnant. That means that you have been growing for 10 weeks now. I’m still not feeling well yet, but I’m cherishing every moment I have with you, because I know how precious every minute is. If we haven’t told you yet, but I’m sure we have, you actually have 4 older siblings! You have your two sisters, Brooke and Emily, that you are well aware of. You also have your sister, Jordan, and your brother, Mason. We lost both of them before they were born and we miss them every day. So far, I’ve gotten to spend more time with you than I have with either of them. Thank you for hanging in there!

When we first found out I was pregnant with you, my doctor (who I adore!) told me that my blood work didn’t look good, and to be prepared that we might lose you. I was devastated. I sat in her office and cried hysterically, as she continued the conversation with another concern. If we did in fact lose you, she wanted us to take some time out from trying to have another baby. She was worried that I may not be able to handle another loss, mentally. I could barely wrap my head around the fact of losing yet another child, let alone not being able to try again for an undermined about of time. Luckily, your dad vetoed that idea. He knew how much we wanted you and taking time off wasn’t an option.

As I was waiting over an hour (and the longest hour of my life) to have more blood drawn, I asked your dad if we could let every one know that we were pregnant. I felt strongly that we either needed prayers, support, or both. He said to do whatever I felt I needed to do. Right there, at the doctors office, at 4 weeks pregnant, I told the world about you. I posted a message on Facebook for all the good thoughts and prayers our family and friends could muster. I told them how much I loved you and how I didn’t want to have to lose another baby. If you were going to go to Heaven, they would at least know the depth of my love for you, in the short time you were with us. At that moment I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before. I told God that you were His. He was in control of your destiny and that if he was going to take you, I’d let you go. I wouldn’t be happy about it though. I left this pregnancy up to Him.

I got my blood taken and the next day the doctor called with some good news. You were growing! Prayers and good thoughts continued to come in. My hormone levels were increasing the way they were supposed to, but we weren’t safe yet. I had blood drawn every day for a week. Each time the news was better and better! We made it to 6 weeks, when I lost Jordan- milestone. I heard your heartbeat and saw your picture- milestone. We made it to 9 weeks 4 days, when I lost Mason- milestone. We just made it to 12 weeks- milestone!

On Monday, your dad and I will get to see you again. It will have been 6 weeks since we’ve seen you last. You’ve grown a lot since then. They say you are about the size of a lime, but I don’t believe it. I check your heartbeat every few days, just to be sure, but you seem to be doing great! I can’t wait to see you, baby!

Now you may wonder someday, when did I first know that I wanted you. Well, always. There has never been a time that I questioned if I wanted to have kids or not. Not even for a second. I really knew and began thinking and planning about you when I was 14. I would watch a talk show called Maury. He had teens on his show that really wanted to have babies. They were trying hard to get pregnant and they were only the same age that I was! I really wanted you then, but I was smart enough to wait. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to be able to take care of you. No matter what though, I knew I wanted you.

When I was 18, I got married. I had a job. I joined the military. I was so ready to bring you into my life! I prayed for you every night and wished upon every star. God had other plans, though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent the 5 years that I was married waiting for you. My ex-husband was manipulative and abusive. It would not have been a happy environment for you, little one. Looking back, I’m glad you waited to come.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. We have your dad and Brooke and Emily. Oh and of course the dog, Sam. He loves kids. He thinks he is one, actually. We have two angel babies in Heaven, watching over you. You are already so loved and have been for so long. Your dad is an amazing man and I can’t wait for you to meet him. You will love him so much. He is kind, caring, strong, hard working, and he wants you just as much as I do! We are so happy to have you, baby. You were wanted for so long, and now here you are. We are counting down the days until we see your smiling face. You are loved. You are wanted. You are a dream come true and an answered prayer.

Love Always,

Mom

 

How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. 🙂

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

Miscarriage: Not the only fear in the book

Yesterday I reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy. Before this, my longest pregnancy was 9 weeks 4 days. That was how far along I was when I had my d&c with Mason. From here on out, every day is a record breaking day in my pregnancy book. I’m trying to cherish every minute I get to have with my baby here on earth.

I am lucky enough to have a friend who owns a fetal Doppler that she graciously allowed me to borrow for this pregnancy. Going into using the Doppler, I kept an open mind reminding myself it could be a while before I heard a heartbeat. I also might have days I don’t hear anything after having success, but that doesn’t mean I have lost the baby. That being said, it took me 3 days of searching and I heard the heartbeat at 9weeks 3days. I started tearing up when I finally found that wonderful sound, but it didn’t last long. I think I was in shock. My baby is still alive!! Remember, my previous longest pregnancy was 9w4d. I tried again at 9w5d and baby was still kicking. Success! Longest. Pregnancy. To. Date. Yay!!

No onto my fears. Having had 2 previous miscarriages, it’s not unlikely that I have been waiting for it to happen, yet again. We had the scare in the beginning when my hCG levels were super low. I had some spotting for a while. I’ve also had some blood tinged discharge. All things to keep me freaking out. As it’s getting closer to that 12 week mark, my fears of miscarriage are slowly diminishing, but for a couple weeks now a different fear has been on my mind: a brainless baby.

You may or may not have seen the tv show on ABC, Private Practice. One of the doctors gets pregnant with a baby who has no brain, she carries him to term, and then donates his organs. Pretty hard core, if you ask me.

Now I am having the Nuchal screening test done on Monday to assess for Downs Syndrome. I am not having this test done because I would terminate if my baby has Downs at all. I just want to see my little one. I have grown up around the mentally and physically disabled and I see nothing wrong with having a special needs child. I want to make sure my baby has a brain. I’ve played this scenario out multiple times in my head. I go to the ultrasound and I’m told, your baby is alive and well, but we are sorry to tell you, it has no brain. I choose to continue on with my pregnancy for the fact that I love my baby and defect or not, it may be the last chance I get. I know it’s a hard road ahead, but I’m ready for it. I have business cards made up explaining my baby’s condition that I hand out to every single person that asks about my baby. They say my baby has no brain, but I’m choosing to carry to term because I want to hold my sweet little one in my arms, even for just a moment. I’m not looking for pity and I know there will be those that strongly oppose my decision, but I’ve already lost two children. I just want to be able to hold one in my arms. Just once.

I know that this fear is probably completely unfounded, but it’s there. Hopefully not for long. I’m seeing the little on Monday morning and I’ll let you know if we’ll be making up business cards or not.

Have you had any fears other than miscarriage with any pregnancies? Humor me.

I was going to include the video of when we first heard the heartbeat, but it costs $60 to upgrade. Just pretend. *thump. thump. thump. thump. thump.

Insensitively: it’s how we roll

I am a very sensitive person. I do not have thick skin; I take things personally and I’m a crier. It’s common knowledge that we, as people, act differently depending on our situation. We may use different language and caution when dealing with superiors or strangers than if we were interacting with our close friends and family. I know Kristen and I told you that we’ll keep things uncensored, but there is a line we try not to cross. However, a can of worms was opened in a post a while back. You may at times find us insensitive and absurd; you may even lose respect for us. As business owners, our lives our out there for the public to see. We want to share our stories with you first hand, so that there is no misunderstanding in the future. We aren’t perfect. We’re human.

Kristen told you in a previous post, back when we were working at the flea market, that we called my cousin a whore. Please know, 1) we said it to her face, 2) we said it in jest, 3) we do not mean that she is literally a whore, 4) we do not discriminate: all pregnant women and women with children that we know (and love) are aware that we call them whores. We use it as a term of endearment. And maybe also out of jealousy.

Like previously mentioned, we act differently when faced with different situations and different people. After a loss, we grieve. Each person grieves differently. Kristen and I make ourselves feel better by saying since we aren’t teenagers or whores, we can’t stay pregnant. We constantly joke that if we were whores, maybe we’d have babies too… Well it was that month, after my “whore” cousin wished baby juju on us and Chris joked about giving me money after sex, that I did indeed get pregnant. I am now a whore, and proud of it! Maybe we were right after all!

***We know that teenagers and women who get pregnant unplanned also experience loss and complications. Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and infant loss do not discriminate. It’s a difficult process for anyone involved, whether your pregnancy was planned or not. We are not being hateful, we are just telling you how we are coping, hoping you can see the difference between a joke and actual hate.***

It all started when I lost Mason. Chris was trying to make me feel better and he mentioned that no one ever said growing a human was easy. Through my tears, I responded with, “except for teenagers and whores.”

We live in a society that glamorizes teen pregnancy and almost encourages single parenthood by way of government assistance. I know some very good moms that got pregnant at teenagers and I also know some really bad ones. I actually have a cousin who will becoming a grandma in her early 30s because her stepson (16) is having a baby with his girlfriend (15) in March. Of course they had no problems with their pregnancy.

Chris and I plan to get married sometime in the future, but we would technically be better off financially, if we didn’t. I could apply for Medicaid and WIC, if not other government assistance programs. **Please, don’t think that I am putting down single parents or those who need government assistance. I am for government assistance when needed. I am going to school to be a social worker- I deal with government assistance. Chris is a bricklayer who builds houses in low-income neighborhoods. I am a disabled veteran. I receive government benefits. I know some pretty kick-ass single moms (and dads). Government assistance is awesome, when not used as a way of life.

I don’t remember how it happened, but shortly after the loss of Mason, the “whore” fad exploded. I made an e-card that I’ve received a lot of hate and mean comments over, but if you’re insulted, screw you- you’re probably a whore. 😉

babies

Tips for TTC part 2

Good morning folks.  I come to you again with some crazy ideas on making your baby dust work and dreams come true…or at least try.  I have been doing a lot of research on a few topics that I would like to share.  They may seem like common sense but I didn’t think about them or know that they would really change an outcome.  Now, as I have said before, I am no doctor so this is all coming from my research, word of mouth and I give it to you with hopes that you will find what works for you.

I have a few of them today.
First one is absolute crap but hilarious because people were stupid enough to try this. This was an answer to a yahoo question about weird and unique tips for trying to get pregnant.
“Well, when my husband and I were trying (we now have an 8 month old girl!) he used to pull out and then roar between my legs..supposedly to ‘scare the sperm’ right to the top! I can’t vouch for its scientific merits, but it worked for us!”
I would say I want video but that’s not true. I could imagine telling Jeremy “hey, after you finish you should yell at my vagina because your sperm need a good roar to scare them. Kind of like a pep talk you know?”
I can’t stop laughing. People are stupid.

Here’s another tip: don’t ask how to get pregnant on yahoo questions. People are stupid.

I read somewhere, of course I can’t find it now, that as you near ovulation your urine gets darker. I have absolutely no idea if this is true but I am keeping an eye on this. I am currently on CD8. I go in on the 3rd to check for follicles (I’m kind of hoping there are like 7 that way there are 7 possibilities to make a baby. I have never O’d more than 3 on this drug though…) I drink almost only water. Of course I am guzzling coffee as I type this. I will report back to you on the color of my pee. Right now it’s pretty much clear. I only know when I’m going to ovulate because my doctor tells me or gives me a shot so I will know almost exactly when it happens. I am completely awesome like that.

Third one for the day. Don’t douche. Yes. This is something I asked my doctor because I wanted to make sure I could say with certainty you should avoid. Douching can wipe out normal, GOOD bacteria. It can cause the ph balance to go all wacky and make it even harder to get pregnant. If you think you may have an infection or something, call your doctor because getting any infection cleared up will aid in getting a bun in the oven as well.

This last one for the day is something that many people argue about. Elevating your hips after the sexy time. Fact number one: if you lay with your legs up in the air after sex your hips/reproductive organs are not elevated. Only your legs are. If you put a pillow under your bum then your hips are slightly higher. Legs in the air=pointless. Hips (ACTUAL HIPS) elevated=possible help. It is also a good plan to lay around “after” for 10 minutes or so. You don’t have to. You don’t have to have your hips in the air. We have tried everything in this department. Sometimes I just get disgusted and get up right away. I will say that after an iui in my doctor’s office they have me lay on the flat table for 5-10 minutes. I assume if it’s good enough for them it’s good enough for me.

I hope that gives you a few more things to “try” or more advise to ignore. Stay tuned for part 3. I’m thinking up some good ones 🙂

Captain’s Blog: 6 weeks, 6 days… and counting!

6 weeks, 6 days

6 weeks, 6 days

So today was our first ultrasound for baby, ‘bati. Yes, I have had massive amounts of blood drawn from my body these last couple weeks and I should be an old pro at doctors visits, but this was our first ultrasound since Mason. What worried me was seeing an empty sac again, like last time. I was prepared, but wasn’t prepared, to see nothing. And there it was. A tiny blob with a heartbeat. A baby. An actual living being. It was the first time of 3 pregnancies I have seen my child or heard a heartbeat. Chris had a grin from ear to ear and was beaming. It was adorable. He even asked the tech to hear the heartbeat again. His love for our babe made me love him that much more. I love that man. I love our child. I had prepared myself to see nothing on the screen, but there was a baby. What I wasn’t prepared for was the relief that I didn’t feel. I was happy to see a little one, but my fears didn’t subside with the beat, beat, beat of it’s heart. I think they only mounted.

How will I handle it if, God forbid, I lose my baby after seeing it and hearing that wonderful sound? Will I lose my ever loving mind?! I’m freaking out. Just a bit.Chris isn’t worried, it’s just me. He thinks I’m over-reacting. He did say that he’s glad he doesn’t have to put away all the Christmas decorations we just put up this weekend or have to put me on suicide watch. I asked him if he was serious. He said he was. I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I know bad and I know me. I wasn’t that bad. Could you image if he had known me during my super-depression-pre-medicated phase? Oye.

Morning sickness has been kicking my butt. So has being tired. But then

Ok, so enough being worried. We’re having a baby. July 31, 2013. Heartbeat is 121. We’ll start to take bets on boy/girl and due date. You’ve got time to figure it out. If you get em both correct, you win $1,000,000. Ha just kidding. You can have bragging rights though…

Baby, I love you, but…

Captains Blog: CD42. 25DPO. hCG is continuing to rise. We are up almost to 2000 as of Friday’s blood draw. Let’s see. I had blood drawn Thanksgiving week, last Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and again today. I’m about sick of this junk. Baby, I love you, but I hate having my arms poked at every day.

I’m super tired. I sleep all the time. Except for at night. What is it? 1:00 am? I wish you’d get on the same sleep schedule as me. Baby, I love you, but I don’t like pregnancy insomnia.

Nausea is slowly creeping up. Last time I was pregnant my hCG levels were a LOT higher than they are now and I had really bad nausea/vomiting. Mason “Bug” Sombati got his nickname because I threw up on myself after eating an apple in the car. I was driving. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I told people I had a “bug.” Baby, I love you, but I don’t love feeling sick.

Headaches. I’ve had headaches just about every day with this kid. With Mason, I had very few and I was loving that aspect of pregnancy. I normally have headaches and migraines a lot, so the break was awesome. Not this time though. Headaches daily and migraines weekly. I have to watch what I eat. Baby, I love you, but I don’t love this pain.

Brain fuzz. My dad’s nickname for me on a regular day is “Goldfish.” I have the worst memory every and 3 seconds about covers it. Imagine my pregnancy stupidity at this point… Baby, I love you, but something’s are important and I have to remember them.

Hunger strikes. Not the kind of hunger strike where I just don’t eat. The kind of hunger that wakes me up at 3am after I have fallen asleep only 2 hours prior and turns me into a vicious tiger on the hunt. My normal go to snacks are pudding cups and graham crackers. Hey- who wants to cook at in the middle of the night? Baby, I love you, but I am going to go poor keeping up with my your appetite.

No one seems to be worried about this pregnancy but me. I’m freaking out. Freak-Ing-Out. So much so that I made *ing* a new word. I had a mini/micro breakdown today after I left the doctors office and they said as long as my blood work comes back good they’ll schedule me for more when they do my ultrasound in a few weeks… A few weeks?! I lost 1 baby at 6 weeks and another at 9. Well Mase was a blighted ovum, but seriously- get that probe in my belly and tell me there is an actual child in there. Sesame seed, apple seed, poppy seed- I don’t care how small it is I just want to see something other than a blank blob. Baby, I love you, but I can’t stand the thought of losing you.

Baby, my love for you started long before you were conceived. I dreamt of you. I wished for you. I prayed for you. I loved you. You’re brother and sister are waiting in Heaven and it’s all fine and dandy if you can’t wait to meet them, but please wait until you’ve done lived a beautiful, long life. Baby, I love you, but I feel so helpless not being able to protect you and make sure you are born.

Pregnancy symptoms sometimes suck. Sometimes I’ll get emotional and sick and angry and hurt and worried and tired and be pricked with needles and pass out. Baby, I love you, but and there isn’t a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for you already, as my almost 6 week old little love.