OOOOOOOOH I wish I had a…

Vaginal ultrasound machine. I actually sang this to the tune of the Oscar Myer bologna song. Try it! It really works well. A vaginal ultrasound machine takes the guess-work out of ovulation. There are other things I could do. For instance, I could buy OPK’s. Which I did from the dollar tree. I am too cheap and too poor to buy them from the real pharmacy where they have multiple sticks and you don’t have to provide your own cup. The results were that I was not having a LH surge, yet I feel like there is something going on with my ovary…particularly the left one.
With us being on a “break” so to speak from the fertility clinic, I took no ovulation inducer. I am off every type of hormone known to medicine aside from what my body does, or doesn’t in my case, create. This is why I would like a vaginal ultrasound machine. You can see any follicles on your ovaries. Unfortunately, these machines cost many thousands of dollars. You also would probably do best if you had an ultrasound tech that could read them (or a really great husband that would hold the wand where you tell him…HAH!) I also have the thought that my bff would be coming over for ultrasounds all the time (they do come with the non vaginal wands when you buy the machine) so we can make sure little dude is alright.

This whole thought has been going on all week. I should be ovulating at some point this week if I were going to ovulate. I have no idea if it’s worth it to stay up until the husband gets home to baby dance and then be so exhausted in the morning I can’t function. I’m not sleeping all that well but apparently when Jeremy came home the other night and tried to “wake me up”, I smacked the shit out of him. I recall none of this. His being on 2nd shift makes procreation a very difficult thing. He is either waking up in the middle of his “night”, meaning 6am, to give me a sample in a cup or I am staying up way too late, meaning 12-1am, to do the deed and plant his seed. This makes us both very cranky.
ANYWAY! If i just had access to my very own ultrasound machine I would be set. I would know when I could sleep and not worry that ovulation is occurring at every turn. I would also know when to make my husband do his duties as a man.

Normally, I wouldn’t be worried about ovulation without medication. However, I have lost 20lbs in the last month and the doctor told me that with every 10lbs I lose my chances of ovulating go up a good percentage. This means I may not have to go back and spend every last dime I have to get knocked up. Or I could save those pennies to have an ultrasound machine…

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Halfway there!

Not much to report, just that we hit another milestone. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday means a new week in pregnancy land and today just happens to be week 20. Yay! We’ve made it halfway. Baby is now as long as a banana. The fears haven’t eased up yet. Hopefully, after the ultrasound, I’ll start to calm down. I did feel some flutters and a couple kicks this week though. Only 4 more weeks until we reach the point of viability. That’s our next milestone. Come on baby, you can do it. Grow baby, grow. ❤

It’s been a while: Some exciting news and some boring stuff

It’s been a while since we’ve posted anything. It’s definitely not due to lack of things to say. Sometimes it’s just better to  leave things unsaid. I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on with me and Kristen can fill you in whenever she’s ready. We aren’t leaving out any juicy news or anything. Don’t worry.

So where are we now? By “we” I mean my happy little family. As far as I know, baby is doing well. Today is 18weeks 6 days. That means I am 1 week and 1 day out from the switch from miscarriage to stillbirth territory. Yes, I have been dreading it. God forbid I lose another baby, but if I do, I at least want to make it to 20 weeks. I understand it’s horribly morbid, but stillbirth seems to hold more weight than a miscarriage does, when it comes to public opinion. I still hate talking about my pregnancy to most people. I hate when people ask about it. I hate it all. I should be so excited right? I mean this is what I’ve wanted for so long, but the truth is, I don’t think I’ll be able to breath until I have a healthy, happy baby in my arms. I’m fearful. I’m scared. I’m terrified. Maybe when I start feeling some more movement I’ll feel a little better. Right now I’ve got a couple little bubbles every now and then, but nothing that I’m absolutely sure is baby. Our ultrasound is at the end of the month, so I’ll fill you in if we are having a little miss or a little mister soon! So far, pregnancy after loss is awful when it comes to fears. I just can’t seem to relax and enjoy it at all. I’m waiting for July with open arms.

In other news: Chris and I are getting married!! He asked me about a week and a half ago as we were starting to move into our new house. Yup. We moved. I think I told you that we were planning on it, but we finally got *mostly* moved in this past weekend. So we’re moved, unpacking, getting married, and having a baby! Talk about crazy busy. We haven’t discussed the wedding in too much detail since we’ve been mainly focused on the move, but it’ll probably be this summer before baby is born. It’ll just be a small ceremony, maybe at the courthouse, followed by a smallish reception. We just moved and we’re having a baby, therefore, we are poor. At least poor in the sense of not having a multi-thousand dollar wedding!

I’m taking Chris on his first ever plane ride at the end of the month, too! Engagement, babymoon, our 2 year anniversary, and ultrasound all in one month! Awesome! We’re going to Kansas City to visit my far away best friend who is 5 weeks more pregnant than I am. We almost always have a trip together (Liz and I) for our birthdays, since we are so close together (February 3 and March 3rd.) We’ve got a trip to The Melting Pot planned and lots of fun Kansas City stuff to enjoy. I’m looking forward to the BBQ! I haven’t been to KC since the weekend I met Chris 2 years ago.  I met him on a Friday, left on Saturday for a week in KC, and have only been a part from him maybe 2 weeks total since then. Ain’t love grand 🙂

Well, I think that’s all for now. I’ll try and keep you updated a little better next time.

Sam and me 2.5 weeks ago

Sam and me 2.5 weeks ago

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The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. 🙂

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

Don’t let the 2nd trimester fool you!

Today I’m 11 weeks, 4 days. I’m so close to 12 weeks that I can touch it! According to Babyzone, Baby Center, What to Expect, and all of the wonderful pregnancy powers at be, my morning sickness should be fading, I should be getting my energy back, and I should be happy and smiling while doing my yoga and cleaning the house, simultaneously. They LIE. L-I-E-S.

I’m starting spring semester at school tomorrow and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to manage. I’ve had morning sickness since 6 weeks and been on Zofran practical every day since. Up until a few days ago I was able to take my Zofran in the morning, stay hydrated to stave off the side effect headaches, have a little queasiness and an occasional gag throughout the day, but I was good. I could still get things accomplished. I was doing my first trimester workout tapes- yoga, cardio, and belly dancing! The clothes weren’t getting washed and Chris reminded me of that this morning, (sorry babe!! I’ll try harder.) but I was handling pregnancy well. True I was sleeping until 9am every morning and only eating oranges and baked potatoes, but hey- I was eating.

Nooooo. Not any more! Not since week 10.5. I am exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’m taking my Zofran in the morning (and afternoon) and nausea continues throughout the day, along with gagging, and occasionally throwing up. I can’t keep myself hydrated enough to keep the Zofran headaches away which leads to more nausea which makes me want to take more Zofran, but that would only lead to more headaches. I’m STARVING and I can’t eat.  I smell food and I gag. Baked potatoes and oranges are the only things I can keep down. Before that’s only what I wanted. I could eat other food, as long as it didn’t contain meat, but now I can’t even stand the sight of other things. We were at Chris’s Grandma’s today cleaning out the house, preparing for the big move. He went to pick up pizza and as soon as he walked in the door with it I started tearing up from nausea. I was about to cry because I wanted to be as far away from that pizza as possible, yet I hadn’t been able to eat anything all day.

Pinterest is a joke. The stupid website makes me think that if I just make *insert delicious food here,* that I’ll be able to eat it. Nope! Chris made an awesome veggie lasagna last night for dinner and as soon as he set it on the table, I lost my ability to eat. I’d like to say I lost my appetite, but that wasn’t the case. :/

It’s not just food. I bend over and I gag. I can’t do the laundry without getting sick. I walk for more than 2 minutes and I gag. I went to the store yesterday and felt like death. I sit watching tv or on the computer and I gag.

This isn’t me crying about being pregnant or the fact that I’m sick. If that were the case I’d say something like “I hate being sick all the time! Stupid morning sickness! Why can’t I just feel better! I wish this baby would just be here already!!!.” You get the picture. Well of course I hate being sick and wish that I felt better, but if baby is healthy, I’ll take the sickness. I may not be enjoying it, but I’m accepting it.

So now at 0700 tomorrow morning when I leave my house to be at school by 0745, I will pray the whole way there. I will pray that I don’t throw up in my car. I will pray that I don’t throw up in class. I will pray that I can focus and concentrate and learn. I will pray I can make it through my morning classes and afternoon work and evening classes without a nap. I pray that I’ll be able to find something to eat that I can keep down. I pray that I don’t take my hormones and hunger and exhaustion out on poor Chris. And I pray that I can do it all over again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Kristen and Chris have both told me that they feel I’ll have morning sickness throughout my pregnancy. I want to punch them both for saying such horrible things about me. I hope that isn’t the case, but I guess – if it is, they are the ones that have to deal with my wrath. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bring it.

My main meal

Why surprises aren’t always a good thing. Oh, and a Chuck Norris baby.

Good morning, world! I had what I thought was an NT scan or Nuchal scan at the OB today to test for Down’s Syndrome. I guess I got my appointments switched and the NT scan is actually in 2 weeks. Today I went in and surprise- no ultrasound machine. You’ll have to wait to find out if the little one has a brain or not. Sorry. Yes, I was bummed, but this just means I’ll have a bigger bean to see when I go back!

So the nurse starts off with a list of questions for me to answer: Medical history, family history, blah blah blah. She asks if I’ve felt the baby move yet. I’m only 10 weeks 5 days, but I swear I did feel it yesterday. It was just a little blippy-tickle on my right side. I thought it’s a little early, but if the doctor’s asking, it can’t be too crazy, right? At first, Kristen told me I was psycho and that it was just gas. (It wasn’t gas. I’m sure of it.) After a minute, she changed her story. She has decided that I am carrying Chuck Norris, reborn. There is probably a lot of ha! and hi-ya! stuff going on in my uterus at this very moment and that is probably why I’m so queasy all the time.

Back at the office, I’m finishing up with the 50 questions and the nurse asked me where I’m delivering and who my pediatrician is. I’m only (almost) 11 weeks! I didn’t know I was supposed to have all of these extra decisions made already. I still have 30 weeks to go! The nurse checks the heartbeat and I probably was not as excited as I should have been. I could barely hear anything except a microsecond of baby’s heart and so I was quite underwhelmed. Especially since my at home Doppler picks up a nice loud sound. Baby’s heart-rate is still 160, so no change since yesterday. Cheddar, QB, or now Chuck Norris Jr. is still going strong. Love you baby!

Now on to the surprise. It wasn’t the lack of ultrasound machine either. After the nurse leaves I am left waiting a year for the doctor to come in. She brings with her a med student. I am laid out on the table completely naked except for my gown that opens in the front, we say our introductions and nice to meet yous. This wasn’t my first gynecological med student encounter and I do not find this awkward at all, actually.

How am I feeling questions- check. Am I doing the prescreening for Downs Syndrome- check.  Breast exam- check. Wam bam- surprise pap!!! Whaaaaat?! Backtrack a bit- I had my yearly pap in February of 2012. I got pregnant with Mason in May and had another pap. I got pregnant with this baby in October and had another pap. So why in the world am I getting yet another one now? That makes 4 paps in less than 365 days. If you are wondering, none of them came back with any type of negative cells or whatnot so I find this beyond stupid. I know they they have to do one with each pregnancy protocol rules medical jargon, but really? Tell me why the doctors like to torture me. That was not the kind of surprise I like to get. A surprise vacation would be nice. Or a surprise winning lottery ticket. Not a surprise pap. The doctor finishes up and she and Mr. med student get ready to go. He was a polite young man, we again said our nice to meet yous and he wished me good luck.

Now back to baby Chuck. Please, whatever it is you do, do not call it baby Chucky. I have a strong fear of horror movies and I will punch you in the throat if you want to annoy me in such a way. Kristen has asked baby Chuck Norris Jr. to tell God to give her a baby. She thinks it’s less greedy coming from a fetus. She also said she wants a parasite in her uterus. To that I say: be careful what you wish for. hahaha

And cue the Chuck Norris jokes. Just remember, Chuck Jr. can roundhouse kick you into next week if you mess with me.

*No, Chuck is not at all an option for an actual name for this child.Image

 

Miscarriage: Not the only fear in the book

Yesterday I reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy. Before this, my longest pregnancy was 9 weeks 4 days. That was how far along I was when I had my d&c with Mason. From here on out, every day is a record breaking day in my pregnancy book. I’m trying to cherish every minute I get to have with my baby here on earth.

I am lucky enough to have a friend who owns a fetal Doppler that she graciously allowed me to borrow for this pregnancy. Going into using the Doppler, I kept an open mind reminding myself it could be a while before I heard a heartbeat. I also might have days I don’t hear anything after having success, but that doesn’t mean I have lost the baby. That being said, it took me 3 days of searching and I heard the heartbeat at 9weeks 3days. I started tearing up when I finally found that wonderful sound, but it didn’t last long. I think I was in shock. My baby is still alive!! Remember, my previous longest pregnancy was 9w4d. I tried again at 9w5d and baby was still kicking. Success! Longest. Pregnancy. To. Date. Yay!!

No onto my fears. Having had 2 previous miscarriages, it’s not unlikely that I have been waiting for it to happen, yet again. We had the scare in the beginning when my hCG levels were super low. I had some spotting for a while. I’ve also had some blood tinged discharge. All things to keep me freaking out. As it’s getting closer to that 12 week mark, my fears of miscarriage are slowly diminishing, but for a couple weeks now a different fear has been on my mind: a brainless baby.

You may or may not have seen the tv show on ABC, Private Practice. One of the doctors gets pregnant with a baby who has no brain, she carries him to term, and then donates his organs. Pretty hard core, if you ask me.

Now I am having the Nuchal screening test done on Monday to assess for Downs Syndrome. I am not having this test done because I would terminate if my baby has Downs at all. I just want to see my little one. I have grown up around the mentally and physically disabled and I see nothing wrong with having a special needs child. I want to make sure my baby has a brain. I’ve played this scenario out multiple times in my head. I go to the ultrasound and I’m told, your baby is alive and well, but we are sorry to tell you, it has no brain. I choose to continue on with my pregnancy for the fact that I love my baby and defect or not, it may be the last chance I get. I know it’s a hard road ahead, but I’m ready for it. I have business cards made up explaining my baby’s condition that I hand out to every single person that asks about my baby. They say my baby has no brain, but I’m choosing to carry to term because I want to hold my sweet little one in my arms, even for just a moment. I’m not looking for pity and I know there will be those that strongly oppose my decision, but I’ve already lost two children. I just want to be able to hold one in my arms. Just once.

I know that this fear is probably completely unfounded, but it’s there. Hopefully not for long. I’m seeing the little on Monday morning and I’ll let you know if we’ll be making up business cards or not.

Have you had any fears other than miscarriage with any pregnancies? Humor me.

I was going to include the video of when we first heard the heartbeat, but it costs $60 to upgrade. Just pretend. *thump. thump. thump. thump. thump.

When “eating for two” means using two forks

Today we had an impromptu-ish mother and daughter lunch at Olive Garden. It was my mom and me, my aunt and her daughter (and her 2 daughters) and daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law’s mom, and me. My cravings with this pregnancy and the last has been salad with vinaigrette dressing, pickles, fruit, and orange juice. I’ve been waiting for Olive garden salad for about a week. When the salad finally came out- I ate 3 big bowls. I didn’t eat the ravioli that I ordered, just the salad. And it was delicious. Anyway, halfway through my salads I stopped for a brief second from shoveling food in my face, and when I looked down, I had two forks in my bowl. I had been eating with two forks. It was hilarious, but I was embarrassed at the same time. My lovely ladies cracked some jokes about feeding me and giving me extra forks, since I obviously, didn’t have enough.

Pregnancy brain does crazy things to a person. This wasn’t the first incident I’ve had. Funny thing is I can’t even remember half of them at the moment! Let’s see… Um… Oh!

  • I was driving Kristen to her husband’s work yesterday and she told me I was pregnant. I had to stop for a second and process what she was saying. I had forgotten.
  • I almost charged a customer $100 on a bill 2 weeks ago at work.
  • I forgot how old I was when the doctor asked. (This is a normal occurrence though.)
  • I confused the date for the family holiday party.
  • I forgot to add the photo for the Lotus Be giveaway today.

Who knows what’s going on at this point. Ask Kristen. She’ll have to be my brain for the next 7 months. 🙂

 

 

Baby, I love you, but…

Captains Blog: CD42. 25DPO. hCG is continuing to rise. We are up almost to 2000 as of Friday’s blood draw. Let’s see. I had blood drawn Thanksgiving week, last Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and again today. I’m about sick of this junk. Baby, I love you, but I hate having my arms poked at every day.

I’m super tired. I sleep all the time. Except for at night. What is it? 1:00 am? I wish you’d get on the same sleep schedule as me. Baby, I love you, but I don’t like pregnancy insomnia.

Nausea is slowly creeping up. Last time I was pregnant my hCG levels were a LOT higher than they are now and I had really bad nausea/vomiting. Mason “Bug” Sombati got his nickname because I threw up on myself after eating an apple in the car. I was driving. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I told people I had a “bug.” Baby, I love you, but I don’t love feeling sick.

Headaches. I’ve had headaches just about every day with this kid. With Mason, I had very few and I was loving that aspect of pregnancy. I normally have headaches and migraines a lot, so the break was awesome. Not this time though. Headaches daily and migraines weekly. I have to watch what I eat. Baby, I love you, but I don’t love this pain.

Brain fuzz. My dad’s nickname for me on a regular day is “Goldfish.” I have the worst memory every and 3 seconds about covers it. Imagine my pregnancy stupidity at this point… Baby, I love you, but something’s are important and I have to remember them.

Hunger strikes. Not the kind of hunger strike where I just don’t eat. The kind of hunger that wakes me up at 3am after I have fallen asleep only 2 hours prior and turns me into a vicious tiger on the hunt. My normal go to snacks are pudding cups and graham crackers. Hey- who wants to cook at in the middle of the night? Baby, I love you, but I am going to go poor keeping up with my your appetite.

No one seems to be worried about this pregnancy but me. I’m freaking out. Freak-Ing-Out. So much so that I made *ing* a new word. I had a mini/micro breakdown today after I left the doctors office and they said as long as my blood work comes back good they’ll schedule me for more when they do my ultrasound in a few weeks… A few weeks?! I lost 1 baby at 6 weeks and another at 9. Well Mase was a blighted ovum, but seriously- get that probe in my belly and tell me there is an actual child in there. Sesame seed, apple seed, poppy seed- I don’t care how small it is I just want to see something other than a blank blob. Baby, I love you, but I can’t stand the thought of losing you.

Baby, my love for you started long before you were conceived. I dreamt of you. I wished for you. I prayed for you. I loved you. You’re brother and sister are waiting in Heaven and it’s all fine and dandy if you can’t wait to meet them, but please wait until you’ve done lived a beautiful, long life. Baby, I love you, but I feel so helpless not being able to protect you and make sure you are born.

Pregnancy symptoms sometimes suck. Sometimes I’ll get emotional and sick and angry and hurt and worried and tired and be pricked with needles and pass out. Baby, I love you, but and there isn’t a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for you already, as my almost 6 week old little love.