How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. ūüôā

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

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Being thankful doesn’t mean I’m happy

But I am. Currently. So, before my body goes and confirms that I am in fact not pregnant this month and throws¬†me into a¬†temporary depression,¬†I want to take a minute (or a few) to express how much I have to be grateful for. I will continue to be thankful, even through any sadness I may yet encounter. First know¬†in life, I have been dealt a raw deal, many times. I was in an abusive marriage. I am clinically depressed. I struggled with self-injury.¬†I have a laundry list of health issues. I was left by my fianc√©e months before our wedding, without warning. I have lost two babies and am waiting impatiently for my third pregnancy. I pray to God it ends with a healthy baby in my arms. You know what? Actually looking back at this hand in life that I feel I have unfortunately been dealt, it doesn’t seem so bad at all. I have a wealth of blessings that¬†far out¬†weigh the badness that has happened.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in God and that all things happen for good for those who believe in him. Not one of the issues I have listed above do I regret. Not one of those things can I not find the silver lining.

I was in an abusive marriage: because of this I joined the military. The military has given me adventure, friendship, education, health benefits, and life experience.

I am clinically depressed: I suffered a long time in silence before I was diagnosed and treated. This goes along with the self-injury issue. I have spent many hours in utter heartbreak and emotional¬†struggles¬†before I was prescribed meds and a therapist.¬†I take away¬†a sense of empathy. I feel that I¬†have been given a better understanding of peoples emotions. I am willing to put my story out there in an attempt to let others know they are not alone. If my pain helps even one person,¬† I think it’s worth it.

My health issues: they range from hip problems to allergies to migraines to sleep issues to asthma etc. This one is a little harder to find the silver lining, but it could be worse.  I have all of my own parts and pieces. I am able to walk, see, touch, and take care of myself. I am able to experience life.

My fianc√©e left me: but I ended up with a man that couldn’t have been more perfect for me had I created him myself. Chris has been my rock. My source of laughter and joy. My cheerleader. My lover. My best friend.

I have lost two babies: without my love and eventually grief that came from Jordan and Mason, Lotus Be¬†Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation would have never came about. Yes, it did also involve the loss of Kristen’s son at the same time. I¬†feel if it had only been one of us- we wouldn’t have this same drive and passion for spreading the word on infertility and miscarriage and giving women hope and a place to share their stories.

There is a silver lining in all the bad I have experienced, but I said there is even more that I am grateful for. I have a full time job. I have a roof over my head. My bills are paid. I have a supportive and loving family and friends. I am co-owner of a wonderful company. I have gotten to travel. I have Chris’s two daughters that I love as if they were my own. I am alive. I am well. I have so many things that others would die to have. I have freedom of speech and religion. I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I do not want for anything, except a child. I may not have it all, but I have so much. I am blessed; I am thankful, and at¬†this moment, before my body betrays me again, I am happy.

Finally legal!

I will preface this by saying we did nothing illegal.

Today we received our letter from the Secretary of State of Ohio stating that Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation is a registered¬†non-profit corporation!¬† This is very exciting for Candi and me.¬† We have had a few set backs with this from the word go.¬† Mind you, these are silly things we completely overlooked but they were easy fixes.¬† First, we were originally going to only name the company “Lotus Be” until I decided we needed a name that explained what we ACTUALLY are.¬† So, on the paperwork the name was corrected on one page but not the last page.¬† They sent it back and it was fixed.¬† We mailed it back in.¬† Instead of telling us both problems the first time, they sent it back saying there was a mistake in the Country field.¬† Apparently county and country are not 1 in the same…¬† So, 3rd time was a charm and we finally have been approved.¬† Each time it came back I had to laugh.¬† Nothing would feel right if there weren’t mistakes along the way.

So now, I can legally bug everyone to go to www.lotusbe.com and tell them to buy things from our store to support our foundation and to also buy things from Trisha’s fundraiser (if you go to the website you will understand why there is another person involved….see what I did there?) and support her in her fertility journey.¬† I can also legally tell you to go there and buy raffle tickets for our amazing 50/50 raffle which, again, is explained in more detail on the website.

Other than that, not much to squawk about.¬† I mean, I have so much to say but I don’t want to annoy everyone with constant posting about my uterus or Candi’s ovulation kits.¬† I think I will save that for tomorrow.¬† Oh, I will tell you to check out some of the other pages on our blog.¬† I am hoping soon it’s not all just boring words and we can throw some pictures in here for your viewing pleasure.

As always, thanks for reading and following us.¬† Hopefully one of these days we will have some comment worthy posts hanging around.¬† I feel like I’m talking to myself…which I happen to do on a daily basis but that is definitely another post.

Welcome to the Circus!

Hey guys! Candi here. Kristen didn’t tell you anything except that we had a crazy year and we are the proud owners of a new company. Well, short story: She had a first term miscarriage and 4 weeks later, so did I. We both lost sons at 9/10 weeks gestation. That was after her incredible struggle to get pregnant with fertility treatments and it was my second loss. This was May/June/July time frame we’re talking here. We should still both be pregnant, but alas, we are not. Through this blog we hope to give you a look into our crazy worlds and how we are coping with our losses and how we came to start Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation.

Honestly, I have no clue how it happened that we came to be President and CEO of a non-profit organization. All I know is one day I was filing articles of incorporation, and for tax IDs, and vendor’s licenses. It’s really all a blur. Now we find ourselves business owners and it’s a scary, scary thing. We both freak out a little on a daily basis when we stop to think about what we’re doing. We want to help fund fertility treatments for those that aren’t covered by insurance. We want to help everyone we possibly can. Our dreams for this company are so big; it’s frightening. We really have lost our minds.

As to how we are coping, Kristen definitely is the more blunt of the two of us, and we aren’t censoring ourselves for you. That being said, my go to answer for when I’m having an awful day and struggling with my losses, “My babies died.” Yes, I know it’s blunt, but it’s the truth. Our babies did die. We struggle with that every day. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I can’t help but cry because my heart aches so badly. Anniversaries of loss dates and due dates are hard. Holidays are hard. Seeing pregnant women and babies is hard.

I think that’s enough sadness for now. Remember, we are trying to keep this light. Of course we want you to know that it isn’t all clouds and unicorns though. If you have dealt with infertility or pregnancy loss, you are not alone. Whatever it is your feeling is perfectly normal. Grief is different for each person and has no timeline. We are here to support you and hopefully make you feel like you are at least saner than we are.

I am saddened by the fact that Kristen shares my pain of loss, but I am truly blessed to have her support. We literally talk on the phone multiple times a day discussing business ideas, blessings, struggles, gossip, silly animal pictures, and the crazy antics of our fur-babies.

Thanks for finding us here. Thanks for supporting us. Thanks for not judging us. Welcome to the circus!