How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. ūüôā

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.



When “eating for two” means using two forks

Today we had an impromptu-ish mother and daughter lunch at Olive Garden. It was my mom and me, my aunt and her daughter (and her 2 daughters) and daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law’s mom, and me. My cravings with this pregnancy and the last has been salad with vinaigrette dressing, pickles, fruit, and orange juice. I’ve been waiting for Olive garden salad for about a week. When the salad finally came out- I ate 3 big bowls. I didn’t eat the ravioli that I ordered, just the salad. And it was delicious. Anyway, halfway through my salads I stopped for a brief second from shoveling food in my face, and when I looked down, I had two forks in my bowl. I had been eating with two forks. It was hilarious, but I was embarrassed at the same time. My lovely ladies cracked some jokes about feeding me and giving me extra forks, since I obviously, didn’t have enough.

Pregnancy brain does crazy things to a person. This wasn’t the first incident I’ve had. Funny thing is I can’t even remember half of them at the moment! Let’s see… Um… Oh!

  • I was driving Kristen to her husband’s work yesterday and she told me I was pregnant. I had to stop for a second and process what she was saying. I had forgotten.
  • I almost charged a customer $100 on a bill 2 weeks ago at work.
  • I forgot how old I was when the doctor asked. (This is a normal occurrence though.)
  • I confused the date for the family holiday party.
  • I forgot to add the photo for the Lotus Be giveaway today.

Who knows what’s going on at this point. Ask Kristen. She’ll have to be my brain for the next 7 months. ūüôā




Lotus Be’s 12 Days of Christmas Giveaway

(Click on the above link to go to Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness foundation’s Facebook page.)

Today starts our 12 days of Christmas giveaway!!

Here’s how it will work. 1 like= 1 entry, 1 share = 1 entry. Entries will count for that day’s prize only. Winners will be drawn around 8PM EST daily. Prizes tie in with the actual 12 Days of Christmas lyrics, but have a twist. You won’t know the giveaway of the day until that morning. I’m a little behind today, but will be posting momentarily. Good luck and Merry Christmas and Happy holidays!!

Holidays and the blues

I am a pessimist.  Always have been, always will be.  I think this is part of the reason why I despise the holidays.  My husband, poor Jeremy, gets the brunt of this.  Trying to get pregnant takes a toll on everyone in the family when emotions cloud joy and happiness.  I used to love the holidays.  I probably would already have the house decorated, complete with tree and outside lights.  Usually I have the holiday dinners at my house every year but this year is different.
When we found out I was pregnant in April, one of the very first things I said was “HEY! This baby will be here right around Christmas!!” and my husbands quick response was “And you will not be 9 months pregnant entertaining the entire family in our house!”¬† That was perfectly fine with me.¬† Not knowing if I would be in the hospital having a baby or so tired that I couldn’t cook the normal feast for 15 people made the proclamation from Jeremy completely acceptable.¬† When we lost the baby in June I realized that this plan was probably still the best idea.¬† I knew the holidays would be difficult…way more difficult than usual.¬† I always get incredibly stressed out starting right about now and the stress doesn’t end until the end of the last night of Christmas celebrations.¬† As I worked through my grief in the past few months I thought it wouldn’t be so bad.¬† I tried to tell myself I could get through it with the support from my husband.¬† He said our house would be our “safe haven” when I start feeling overwhelmed we could come home to our quiet house with our fur-babies and relax.¬† Now, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I don’t want to leave my house.¬† I wake up in the morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair but I pick myself up, go to work, and try to make the best of this life I am living.
To make things worse, my appointment with my RE is scheduled for tomorrow.¬† I told the receptionist that this was a cruel joke to give me shit news right before a day of thanks.¬† She reminded me that it’s not always negative news she gives me and to try to be positive.¬† As I said earlier this month, I was trying not to think about it.¬† I tried not to care.¬† That didn’t work so well for me this month.¬† Every day, at one moment or another, I would think about the test.¬† I would think about the fact that I would probably be pissed off tomorrow afternoon.¬† So, I created projects for myself to keep me busy as best I could.¬† I stayed in a good mood.¬† I kept my bitching to a minimum.¬† I tried not to think about the possible cramps or the other feelings you get when you are about to get your monthly curse.
Today was a great day at work.¬† I laughed, got a big part of a project done, got a hug from a very unexpected person who has WAY more crap going on in her life right now than I do (not to mention she’s a mean ass old lady), and I looked forward to coming home to my husband who is on vacation.¬† When I got home, I started getting upset.¬† I started losing my temper.¬† I caught myself becoming a witch.¬† I know the signs of PMS.¬† I know how I get and how my body gets when it gets near to that time of the month.¬† Right now, I am fighting it.¬† I don’t know if you can fight a menstrual cycle but dammit I am trying.

I promise my mom I would cook the turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and bake 3 pies.¬† I feel like a dumbass for agreeing¬†to it¬†because I really don’t want to do any of it.¬† So that’s where I sit.¬† At this exact moment I hate my body, my ovaries, my uterus, the holidays, and pretty much anything else that is going on at the moment.¬† I know we are trying to keep this light and humorous but sometimes that is just physically impossible.¬† I wanted to let you readers know that you don’t have to be ok all of the time.¬† If you feel like throwing a freshly roasted turkey at a wall, it’s normal. I considered asking my husband if we could go out into the country with a bag of potatoes and have target practice.¬† The holidays are difficult for a lot of people and I want you to know that I am right there with you.¬† There is no shame in grieving even if the grief is from a day ago or 35 years ago.

The clich√© thing to say is “be thankful for what you have.”¬† Yeah. Do that but take care of yourself as well.¬† Try not to worry about what others are thinking of you when you avoid a family function because seeing someone may make it that much more difficult for you not to start the family brawl before the gravy hits the table.
Try to relax (hahahaha yeah…I know) and make your holidays the best you can for you.¬† I will probably just eat all of the food and stuff myself until I pass out and don’t wake up until Monday morning.
Much love and hugs.

Being thankful doesn’t mean I’m happy

But I am. Currently. So, before my body goes and confirms that I am in fact not pregnant this month and throws¬†me into a¬†temporary depression,¬†I want to take a minute (or a few) to express how much I have to be grateful for. I will continue to be thankful, even through any sadness I may yet encounter. First know¬†in life, I have been dealt a raw deal, many times. I was in an abusive marriage. I am clinically depressed. I struggled with self-injury.¬†I have a laundry list of health issues. I was left by my fianc√©e months before our wedding, without warning. I have lost two babies and am waiting impatiently for my third pregnancy. I pray to God it ends with a healthy baby in my arms. You know what? Actually looking back at this hand in life that I feel I have unfortunately been dealt, it doesn’t seem so bad at all. I have a wealth of blessings that¬†far out¬†weigh the badness that has happened.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in God and that all things happen for good for those who believe in him. Not one of the issues I have listed above do I regret. Not one of those things can I not find the silver lining.

I was in an abusive marriage: because of this I joined the military. The military has given me adventure, friendship, education, health benefits, and life experience.

I am clinically depressed: I suffered a long time in silence before I was diagnosed and treated. This goes along with the self-injury issue. I have spent many hours in utter heartbreak and emotional¬†struggles¬†before I was prescribed meds and a therapist.¬†I take away¬†a sense of empathy. I feel that I¬†have been given a better understanding of peoples emotions. I am willing to put my story out there in an attempt to let others know they are not alone. If my pain helps even one person,¬† I think it’s worth it.

My health issues: they range from hip problems to allergies to migraines to sleep issues to asthma etc. This one is a little harder to find the silver lining, but it could be worse.  I have all of my own parts and pieces. I am able to walk, see, touch, and take care of myself. I am able to experience life.

My fianc√©e left me: but I ended up with a man that couldn’t have been more perfect for me had I created him myself. Chris has been my rock. My source of laughter and joy. My cheerleader. My lover. My best friend.

I have lost two babies: without my love and eventually grief that came from Jordan and Mason, Lotus Be¬†Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation would have never came about. Yes, it did also involve the loss of Kristen’s son at the same time. I¬†feel if it had only been one of us- we wouldn’t have this same drive and passion for spreading the word on infertility and miscarriage and giving women hope and a place to share their stories.

There is a silver lining in all the bad I have experienced, but I said there is even more that I am grateful for. I have a full time job. I have a roof over my head. My bills are paid. I have a supportive and loving family and friends. I am co-owner of a wonderful company. I have gotten to travel. I have Chris’s two daughters that I love as if they were my own. I am alive. I am well. I have so many things that others would die to have. I have freedom of speech and religion. I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I do not want for anything, except a child. I may not have it all, but I have so much. I am blessed; I am thankful, and at¬†this moment, before my body betrays me again, I am happy.

Making peope uncomfortable since 1984

Candi and I are sitting at the flea market trying to raise some money for our company and the fertility grant we plan on giving out in the 1st quarter of 2013.¬† The day started trying to find out how many people we could make uncomfortable by just sitting here.¬† We have a table set up with all of our jewelry and our raffle ticket info and the prizes behind it.¬† We are pretty impressed with ourselves.¬† People started coming in and they take a quick glance at our sign and immediately look away.¬† There are also the teenagers that walk in, ignore us in general and are dumb.¬† No one, aside from Candi’s mom, her cousin, and the owner of the shop has given us more than a second look.¬† There are a few people that have lingered and looked but not much else.¬† I have enjoyed it because it’s been nice hanging out with Candi and we have been on pinterest all day.¬† What we have sold has been great because it is a fundraiser for my friend Trisha that is going through infertility issues as well.¬† I am actually¬†super excited that we have been able to sell somethings for her.

Anyway, we have noticed that any site of our sign immediatly stirs a fear in people.¬† Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation.¬† BAM! Right in your face.¬† I would venture to say there were 25-30 people in and out of that place (this is in a VERY small town outside of another small town).¬† Of those 30 people, aside from Candi’s mom, 2 people physically stopped and investigated our table.¬† 1 woman with a little girl who was looking at our letters for our jewelry.¬† The mom had a conversation with us, albeit short, but spoke with us about the company.¬† The 2nd person was a man who stood back and just looked.¬† I was happy 2 people looked and didn’t avert their glances after immediately seeing what we were there for.¬† There were people that walked into the building that I had seen around town.¬† I knew who they were and yet no one said anything.¬† This is why we started our company.¬† We need to raise awareness and help these 2 incredibly difficult topics become something more than shocking or uncomfortable.

Tomorrow I plan to push.¬† I plan to make more attempts at chatting folks up.¬† I played it safe today and kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know what to expect and we were eating pumpkin pie.¬† Tomorrow that pie will not interfere with my need to make people uncomfortable.¬† I have a lot of plans to continue making people uncomfortable since that seems to be the only way to make them pay attention.¬† People I work with now know that most of the time I will talk about my uterus or our son that we lost.¬† Sometimes I can see them being uncomfortable but it lasts a second when they realize they aren’t getting out of the conversation.¬† I have learned more about people this way in the past few months than I would have ever learned about them if I didn’t push the boundaries.

Push boundaries with me.¬† When someone tells you something that is rude or something that is meant to help, tell them why you feel it was rude or not the correct thing to say.¬† I don’t mean everything has to be politically correct….believe me…it doesn’t.¬† Candi and I told her cousin today that because she has 6 kids, she is a whore.¬† Very inappropriate but hey, it’s called humor.¬† I had no problem telling a woman the facts when she told me I wasn’t a real mother because I didn’t have my baby and that he wasn’t alive.¬† I have no problem reminding people who complain about their kid screaming in the middle of the night that I would give my life for a child to scream for me in the middle of the night.¬† I do refrain from telling them that if they say that one more time I will knock their teeth out.
So there you have it.  Our first foray into the public and we are doing exactly how I thought we would.  Just perfect.

UTERI Unite!
Yes, I googled that and uteri is the actual plural for uterus…don’t start with me Candi. ūüôā

A slightly blurry photo of Kristen and Candi at the Burbank Indoor Flea Market

Hormones and the 2 week wait

My doctor told me once that my hormones were out of whack.¬† I knew this before I spent $30k on fertility treatments but I’m glad he noticed.¬† Since we lost the baby in June of this year, we were unable to “try” again to get pregnant until my hcg levels reached 0.¬† It took almost 3 months.¬† In that time span, not only did my body completely revolt but it decided to add new and unwanted hormonal effects.¬† We started trying again in late August and I only did ovulation induction pills.¬† Everything else we figured we’d try on our own.¬† Of course…no luck.¬† September rolled around and we tried again only this time my body told me to go screw myself and my follicle, or egg, turned into a massive cyst.¬† Luckily it disappeared and didn’t stop any further attempts at getting pregnant.¬† I went back in October and after taking the medications later in my cycle was shocked to find I had 3 follicles.¬† 2 were good size and 1 was small.¬† In a panic I set out to gather funding to pay for the hcg trigger shot and 1 iui.¬† I thought “This is it!¬† 2 at once and we are no longer paying this doctors mortgage!”¬† Unfortunately that too did not work.¬† That brings us to this month.

Let me backtrack a bit.¬† If you are going through ANY kind of efforts trying to conceive, you know your stress level is outrageous.¬† Anything added on top of that makes your chances of conceiving that much worse.¬† You know that every pinch, tug, twinge, pull, stabbing pain or ache makes you hopeful.¬† You fantasize for 2 weeks after “trying” about this miracle that could be growing inside you.¬† I hate that part.¬† I get my hopes up and my heartbroken every month without fail.

So, this month, we are trying again.¬† I had 1 follicle that was 25mm.¬† That’s a good size.¬† I had my appointment on Friday and OF COURSE my doctor was out-of-town.¬† Due to that, I had to wait to get results on blood work to see where I was sitting as far as ovulation goes.¬† I had gone about my day and in the middle of a chiropractor appointment I get a phone call from my RE’s office saying “Doc says you are ready and he wants you to have an hcg shot.¬† Can you be here now?”¬† I panic.¬† Of course I rush my chiropractor along and race back to my RE’s office to get stabbed with a syringe full of pregnancy hormone.¬† Normally, that medication does not bother me.¬† I get no side effects and I barely know I had the shot until I feel ovulation happen.¬† This time was a different story.¬† As I drove home I received a call about a job interview.¬† I was so taken aback by this call saying they needed to interview me right then that I may have freaked out.¬† I had 1 hour and 35 minutes to get ready and drive an hour for the interview.¬† When I got home I found that my suit pants were missing.¬† Immediately this is my poor husbands fault.¬† I flew into a rage and tore the house apart looking for my pants.¬† He finally braved the storm and came up to help me look and he immediately went to his dresser.¬† My exact words were “Do you think the effing laundry fairy magically put my damn pants into your dresser because she so freaking stupid she didn’t know whose ass those belong on?”¬† At that moment my life was over.¬† I was in hysterics.¬† The smart man I married said “I love you and I am going to work.”¬† I screamed a little more and then moved to my dresser where sure as hell I found my pants right where I had put them the week before.¬† I texted Jeremy and told him I was sorry and then Candi called.¬† I released my rage on her and then immediately felt like the biggest jerk in the world.¬† Now, this shot makes me crazy.¬† Just great.

So now I sit and wait.¬† I am in what is known as the dreaded “2 week wait.”¬† The only significance to this is that I have to wait for 2 weeks from the day I received the hcg shot to find out if I got pregnant.¬† We didn’t do any artificial insemination.¬† We only did the deed and hoped that everything swam into place.¬† I try to compare how I felt when I actually got pregnant to now and I can’t.¬† I don’t remember how I felt.¬† I honestly don’t remember feeling any different than I did on a normal day.¬† Right now, I don’t care.¬† That may sound wrong but I know that the stress of worrying about everything that is now out of my control does not help.¬† The test will either be negative or positive and then we go from there.¬† The only advice I can give to people is to try not to care.¬† That sounds even crazier but if you can find something to occupy your mind instead of sitting and wondering, you stand a better chance of having a better out come.¬† I know that I still care.¬† I worry.¬† I panic.¬† I am nervous.¬† I am petrified.¬† I also know that if this month is negative I can try again next month.¬† Not everyone has that knowledge.

All of this trying and waiting is horrible.¬† Candi and I are both waiting.¬† We are practically in sync with each other and can probably find out the same day.¬† Either there will be much rejoicing or a lot of crying and bitching about our bodies.¬† I also know that everyone has different experiences.¬† I am curious to hear about yours.¬† It’s something that is difficult to share about but one of our goals for Lotus Be is to get people talking.¬† So, to all of you trying to conceive right now, baby dust and good thoughts to you all.¬† To all of you still waiting for the ok to start trying again, even more baby dust and hugs and support.¬† We all got dealt a raw deal.¬† All of us will make amazing mommies one day and until that day comes we need to build a strong support system and stick together.¬† I have had people look at me like I am crazy when I say I want to make infertility and miscarriage something that is talked about as much as any other disease or problem people face.¬† Stand up with us and help us break the silence and shout “My reproductive organs are here, we’re jacked up, help us fix it!”

I would also like to ask if you will please excuse my insanity for the next few weeks.  My uterus and I are in deep conversation and I tend to get loud and obnoxious.  I yell at my uterus sometimes hoping that will help give it some motivation to stop pissing me off.  Again, I am hormonal and insane so please exuse me.

Finally legal!

I will preface this by saying we did nothing illegal.

Today we received our letter from the Secretary of State of Ohio stating that Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation is a registered¬†non-profit corporation!¬† This is very exciting for Candi and me.¬† We have had a few set backs with this from the word go.¬† Mind you, these are silly things we completely overlooked but they were easy fixes.¬† First, we were originally going to only name the company “Lotus Be” until I decided we needed a name that explained what we ACTUALLY are.¬† So, on the paperwork the name was corrected on one page but not the last page.¬† They sent it back and it was fixed.¬† We mailed it back in.¬† Instead of telling us both problems the first time, they sent it back saying there was a mistake in the Country field.¬† Apparently county and country are not 1 in the same…¬† So, 3rd time was a charm and we finally have been approved.¬† Each time it came back I had to laugh.¬† Nothing would feel right if there weren’t mistakes along the way.

So now, I can legally bug everyone to go to and tell them to buy things from our store to support our foundation and to also buy things from Trisha’s fundraiser (if you go to the website you will understand why there is another person involved….see what I did there?) and support her in her fertility journey.¬† I can also legally tell you to go there and buy raffle tickets for our amazing 50/50 raffle which, again, is explained in more detail on the website.

Other than that, not much to squawk about.¬† I mean, I have so much to say but I don’t want to annoy everyone with constant posting about my uterus or Candi’s ovulation kits.¬† I think I will save that for tomorrow.¬† Oh, I will tell you to check out some of the other pages on our blog.¬† I am hoping soon it’s not all just boring words and we can throw some pictures in here for your viewing pleasure.

As always, thanks for reading and following us.¬† Hopefully one of these days we will have some comment worthy posts hanging around.¬† I feel like I’m talking to myself…which I happen to do on a daily basis but that is definitely another post.