It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes ūüôā

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me ūüôā

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Give me the chocolate and I will only slightly harm you.

A normal woman has her monthly “visit” every 28-30 days, give or take a few days.¬† I don’t unless it’s medically induced. That’s the wonderful part of having PCOS (please read that as sarcastically¬†as you choose.)¬† I don’t remember exactly how old I was when I “started” but I think I was 11 or 12.¬† From the jump it was never normal.¬† I never knew when it was coming.¬† I lived in fear from the time I was 8 years old when my mother explained what she used those sticky pieces of paper for.¬† I would go to the bathroom in 2nd grade and check every day because I was petrified I would have blood coming from an unholy place and then I would have a baby.¬† I don’t know how I missed that middle step of what makes a baby.¬† I think my mom left that part out.¬† I do, however, remember being at my grandma’s house one hot summer day getting ready to go to my father’s house in a cute little outfit of white shorts and a tank top.¬† I got out of the lake after swimming and when I went to change I saw red…literally.¬† I figured then life was over.

Here I am, 16 years later…it pains me to say that by the way…wishing I had a normal, reliable, regular cycle.¬† It may make this baby thing a bit easier.¬† The thought never entered my mind that being so screwed up in the reproductive area would result in difficulty conceiving a baby.¬† Since we began our journey of trying to get pregnant, my doctors have tried everything from Clomid¬†and Provera¬†to what we are doing now which is just Letrozole (Femara) every month and then my cycle restarts like clock work if I am not pregnant.¬† It is not, however, the same every month.¬† I don’t know how many women are going through what I am going to explain but if there is just 1 person out there then I know I am not just nuts.
(This is where, if you are my brother, you stop reading unless you already have and then if your wife is reading this you should gross him out with all of the gross details because I like to watch him squirm.)

Ever since losing the baby in June I have had ridiculously odd flows.¬† I went from having a d&c to not bleeding much afterwards which the doctor told me was weird.¬† He put me on birth control to keep my cycles coming in normal fashion.¬† Once that started I again had really light periods.¬† Then 2 months later I believe, it was like Hiroshima hit my pants.¬† I woke up one morning covered in blood.¬† I honestly thought I was hemorrhaging.¬† That was when the life altering, doubling over in pain cramps started.¬† I figured maybe I would have one bad one then I would be ok.¬† Boy was I wrong!¬† They seem to go in their own little circle of hell.¬† I have a really light one then a horrible one then a “normal” one.¬† Life still revolves around my uterus even when I am not trying to fill it with life.¬† I carry ample protection.¬† When I cleaned out my purse today I counted 6 pads and 3 tampons.¬† That’s not normal either but I really don’t know what to expect from one moment to another.

This month when I found out I wasn’t pregnant but my uterine lining was really thick according to the ultrasound, I figured it would be ugly.¬† Like the¬†nastiest fight scene in 300 and it would last for what¬†seemed like an eternity and I would¬†be a millionaire after my husband bought stock in Kotex.¬† Again I was wrong.¬† I have no clue what is going on in there but I will tell you that it is complete and utter¬†BS.¬† My uterus is a bitch.¬† Not only do¬†I feel like I didn’t get a good flush and fill but I feel like I got¬†screwed for December.¬† I am concerned that because it’s not all out of there I will have no luck¬†trying this month and I will have the worst cycle on Christmas.¬† Merry freakin’ Christmas baby, you aren’t gettin’ any.
I have¬†talked about this with my fertility doctor.¬† He has a penis.¬† He¬†only looks at vagina.¬†¬†He thinks I am insane.¬† I think he is¬†an ass…sometimes.¬† I think it may be time to revisit the subject with him¬†but it concerns me that he will want to do another biopsy on my uterus.¬† If you have had one of those done, you know why I have a severe panic attack at¬†even the mere thought of¬†that procedure.¬† It feels like a red-hot poker¬†stabbing you in your most precious of areas and then radiating pain all the way into your chest cavity.¬† This all happens in about 4 seconds but it’s enough to make you want to kick the doctor in the face while simultaneously vomiting on the person holding your hand.
So, we are back to square one.¬†¬†We decided to¬†go ahead with¬†trying again this month with just¬†the pills again.¬† January 1st our medical stuff restarts and we will be able to actually “afford” treatments…the ones that will probably land me in jail because I will become a raging lunatic on hormone shots¬†every day for a month.

Anyway, that is my rant about my monthly.¬†¬†As every other¬†woman in the world does, I hate it.¬† I wish I could¬†pull a Michelle Duggar¬†and just keep on poppin’ out the babies and get TLC to¬†follow me with a camera to show how amazing I am at being a mother to my 19¬†kids and counting…but I got screwed by genetics or probably by my fat.¬† Today I blame my fat.¬† I leave you with this amazing image.¬† It describes¬†exactly what my house is like for approximately 3-7 days a month every month until I get¬†so lucky as to get pregnant and STAY pregnant.¬† And then I will just keep on making that happen because I¬†would rather push a watermelon through¬†a tiny hole than bleed¬†every month.¬† It’s late, I’m rambling, Good night.