The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

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I’m mental.

For the last few days I have been sick. Generally feeling like crap. I don’t know if I got a little of that flu bug or if I just have been so ridiculously depressed that my body is succumbing to my mental inadequacies. Either way, it was not fun. I was to the point yesterday where I didn’t care what happened. I cried all day long. I would be fine and then I would get a text from Candi, my husband, or a message at work from Trisha and I would have a mental breakdown. All day long. I have been trying to figure out if it’s PMS or if it’s hormonal because maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked and I got pregnant so I have a little alien leaching off my brain stem. Of course I am hoping for the latter but who knows.

This is what kicked off this post. During all the crazy and not feeling well I kept feeling as though I had cramps. I never used to get cramps before I lost our baby. I very rarely knew when Aunt Flow was coming for a visit unless I checked the app I have for that. Now I get cramps. Normally, I would say women are giant babies when they get them if they call off of work or don’t function and only stay in bed until they are gone. I apologize to everyone for thinking that. I have never had so much physical pain until I got cramps. So just thinking I had cramps made me mad. I knew I would be irritable and not very happy until they were gone. Then a funny thing happened. I didn’t have cramps. I was confused. I figured I was trying to make myself have them because I did something stupid. I never test before I go to the doctor to find out if I’m pregnant or not but this cycle I tested 5 days early. My TTC rule #28483 don’t do that!!! It’s just dumb. I get upset and possibly it’s wrong.

Fast forward to this morning. Again I think I have cramps. But I don’t. Do you know those crazy women that trick their bodies into acting like they are pregnant? I feel like I’m doing that. I have had the stomach flu, I’m nervous about an interview I have this afternoon, I am super stressed out, and I am 2 days from the start of my cycle. Maybe it is cramps. I can’t decide. I don’t have all the normal symptoms I get before I start. The symptoms haven’t changed in months but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did this month just to piss me off. I keep gagging and feeling like I’m going to throw up. I never throw up. Yeah, I may have thrown up with the flu but this is different. But again, I’m mentally screwed so I’m probably bringing this upon myself.

So here I sit. 2 days before I’m supposed to start my period, apparently wishing cramps on myself. I am incredibly insane…which I can attribute to many things. Which, by the way, I need to apologize to everyone who has been in the path of my rage. There is a list so long that it would take me an hour to write. But, I’m sorry. I have way too much on my plate and I’m pretty sure my husband is moments away from committing me to the psych ward. I hear it’s nice there. They give you the good drugs.

We aren’t going to try next cycle. We are going to do another hsg (dye into the uterus which clears out blockages) and birth control so that I can get my mental faculties back. If you have ever done months of treatments before you know how crazy you can get with the extra hormones. If you know me at all, you know how absolutely nuts I am WITHOUT the hormones…it’s better for all involved. I don’t feel like me and I’m losing grip on reality. We both think this is a good idea before I do end up in a straight jacket or in a clock tower somewhere. Here’s to a much saner month and less crazy in the future. Also, here’s to another wasted cycle. I know I haven’t been checked but I am supposed to start on Sunday and my doctor’s appointment is Monday….I have a strong feeling that, because it’s the grossest thing in the world to me, I will have to have an internal ultrasound while bleeding like a stuck pig. It’s just how my luck runs.

How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. 🙂

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

Prepare to cry

Not so much a blog post today, just an update. If you haven’t noticed, Kristen and I have compiled a list of our favorite miscarriage and infertility songs on a tab called “Listen at your own risk.”  I have taken the liberty of adding all of the songs we’ve chosen into a YouTube playlist for your convenience. That way, you have access to them whenever you need a little inspiration or a really good cry. The link is on the “Listen at your own risk” page. Bring on the tears.

It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes 🙂

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me 🙂

Miscarriage: Not the only fear in the book

Yesterday I reached the 10 week mark in my pregnancy. Before this, my longest pregnancy was 9 weeks 4 days. That was how far along I was when I had my d&c with Mason. From here on out, every day is a record breaking day in my pregnancy book. I’m trying to cherish every minute I get to have with my baby here on earth.

I am lucky enough to have a friend who owns a fetal Doppler that she graciously allowed me to borrow for this pregnancy. Going into using the Doppler, I kept an open mind reminding myself it could be a while before I heard a heartbeat. I also might have days I don’t hear anything after having success, but that doesn’t mean I have lost the baby. That being said, it took me 3 days of searching and I heard the heartbeat at 9weeks 3days. I started tearing up when I finally found that wonderful sound, but it didn’t last long. I think I was in shock. My baby is still alive!! Remember, my previous longest pregnancy was 9w4d. I tried again at 9w5d and baby was still kicking. Success! Longest. Pregnancy. To. Date. Yay!!

No onto my fears. Having had 2 previous miscarriages, it’s not unlikely that I have been waiting for it to happen, yet again. We had the scare in the beginning when my hCG levels were super low. I had some spotting for a while. I’ve also had some blood tinged discharge. All things to keep me freaking out. As it’s getting closer to that 12 week mark, my fears of miscarriage are slowly diminishing, but for a couple weeks now a different fear has been on my mind: a brainless baby.

You may or may not have seen the tv show on ABC, Private Practice. One of the doctors gets pregnant with a baby who has no brain, she carries him to term, and then donates his organs. Pretty hard core, if you ask me.

Now I am having the Nuchal screening test done on Monday to assess for Downs Syndrome. I am not having this test done because I would terminate if my baby has Downs at all. I just want to see my little one. I have grown up around the mentally and physically disabled and I see nothing wrong with having a special needs child. I want to make sure my baby has a brain. I’ve played this scenario out multiple times in my head. I go to the ultrasound and I’m told, your baby is alive and well, but we are sorry to tell you, it has no brain. I choose to continue on with my pregnancy for the fact that I love my baby and defect or not, it may be the last chance I get. I know it’s a hard road ahead, but I’m ready for it. I have business cards made up explaining my baby’s condition that I hand out to every single person that asks about my baby. They say my baby has no brain, but I’m choosing to carry to term because I want to hold my sweet little one in my arms, even for just a moment. I’m not looking for pity and I know there will be those that strongly oppose my decision, but I’ve already lost two children. I just want to be able to hold one in my arms. Just once.

I know that this fear is probably completely unfounded, but it’s there. Hopefully not for long. I’m seeing the little on Monday morning and I’ll let you know if we’ll be making up business cards or not.

Have you had any fears other than miscarriage with any pregnancies? Humor me.

I was going to include the video of when we first heard the heartbeat, but it costs $60 to upgrade. Just pretend. *thump. thump. thump. thump. thump.

Holidays, hormones, and the Apocalypse

Well, as I feared would happen I failed to keep my goal of blogging every day. It’s been quiet in crazy town. A little too quiet. Technically though, it hasn’t been quiet. I just figured that if I wrote down what I was feeling and posted it online the courts would have hard evidence and I would get a longer stay in the crazy house.
So I will fill you in on everything I can think of.

The holidays.
I hate the holidays. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not really actual hate it’s more of a dislike of the pressure we all have to sit around a table with people we barely see and make chit-chat while shoveling food in your face then open gifts that we can’t afford to buy and really hope the receiver doesn’t hate it but you had no clue what to get for them because, again, you see them a few times a year and never talk. Remember what happened with Thanksgiving? I found out, yet again, I wasn’t pregnant? Fast forward about 30 days. Rinse and repeat. On the 21st I had my appointment to get checked. I was trying not to get my hopes up. I love Candi but I swear on my life her optimism may, in fact, be killing me. I mean that with all love and respect and thankfulness that she is positive for me and the both of us but one of these days I am going to kick her ass. Everything that was going on was a sign that AF was coming…or a sign that Jeremy jr was growing in my womb. I believed the first, Candi the second. I was right, she was wrong. We were both crushed. I HAD been having an ok day or 2 before I found out. I was getting in the Christmas spirit. I was thinking maybe my Christmas miracle was about to happen. Nope. The powers that be told me to go screw myself without a second thought. I should have known this was going to happen after I lost my temper with our car salesman (had to buy a new car the week before Christmas….ridiculous) and called him every name I could think of in a 5 second time span. That’s where my hormones come into play. I ripped this car salesman a new one. Tore him up one side and down the other. I didn’t stop there. I ripped my husband a new one. I ripped a sales guy at Verizon a new one for being a dick and ALMOST threw my phone at him but then I realized I couldn’t afford bail money if I did that.
So. The day the Mayans ran out of room on a rock and caused a lot of crack pots to believe the world would end, I went bat shit crazy. After the doctors and the Verizon incidents, we got in our new car and as I backed up to leave my phone went off. I had a new e-mail. YAY! Maybe this is the e-mail from the company I have been interviewing with for the past month, where I just had an interview with 2 of the owners and I am pretty sure I got this job. So sure in fact that I cleaned out my desk at my current job when I decided to “rage quit” because I only got a 15 cent raise because I am “too loud and don’t know how to stop talking.” I open up the e-mail with excitement. I read: Dear Kristen, Thank you for showing interest in the position however, we have chosen to go with the other candidate…. I stopped reading and threw my phone. I EXPLODED. If spontaneous combustion is real, I should have done it right then and there. My husband looked like he saw a bomb go off in his face and he knew the shock wave was coming for him. I honestly don’t remember the rest of that evening except I cried. I sobbed in fact. I sobbed like I did when we lost the baby. All my “new dreams” had been crushed again. I don’t really remember talking to anyone for a few days. I truly went off the deep end. I am really starting to question my mental stability these days. And of course, like clockwork, Aunt Flo came into town just in time for Christmas and caused me to be an emotional mess the entire holiday.

I read on theinfertilityvoice.com a post about the apocalypse and it really hit home for me. I mean, too close to home. She said: “There may have been moments in your own family building journey: a pregnancy loss, an adoption fall through, or even just another BFN – those days may have felt like your own personal End Times. We don’t need prophets and wackadoos telling us the world is going to end when many of us have lived through a monthly apocalypse of our own.” Amen sister. That is the truth. Many people don’t understand this. They think we are the wackadoos (I am one but still…) My world ended again on Friday the 21st which is freaky but just happened to be a coincidence. The 22nd I woke up and started fresh even though I didn’t really want to. All week I thought about how I shouldn’t be getting another BFN. I should be holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms. I should be fighting for sleep. I should be recovering from bringing new life into this world. Instead, I was crying because of grief. I was trying to make new memories to help heal the scars of my loss. I went to church hoping that I can find my faith that I have lost track of and need to find again. I spent time with my best friend and her family and made fun memories. But I never forgot what I was trying to heal from.
My 2 best friends bought me gifts for Christmas that were perfect. Hilarious and perfect. Candi bought me a book called “I hate everything.” It is perfect. When I start getting upset, I pick this book up and read a few pages and laugh. She knows me way too well. Calley bought me this box that says “Friends will help you up when you fall, but best friends will push you back down and laugh.” Inside she put fertility rocks and crystals and said to put them by my bed since they are supposed to do something. I have 2 of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I have an amazing husband (even though sometimes he’s a jerk but he’s working on it and I’m working on not being such a psycho bitch….) and I am very lucky.

Even though my world ended again on the 21st I am very lucky. I’m alive. I have my loved ones, my home, my fur-babies, a job, and a car we are paying way too much for. I am very lucky.

When “eating for two” means using two forks

Today we had an impromptu-ish mother and daughter lunch at Olive Garden. It was my mom and me, my aunt and her daughter (and her 2 daughters) and daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law’s mom, and me. My cravings with this pregnancy and the last has been salad with vinaigrette dressing, pickles, fruit, and orange juice. I’ve been waiting for Olive garden salad for about a week. When the salad finally came out- I ate 3 big bowls. I didn’t eat the ravioli that I ordered, just the salad. And it was delicious. Anyway, halfway through my salads I stopped for a brief second from shoveling food in my face, and when I looked down, I had two forks in my bowl. I had been eating with two forks. It was hilarious, but I was embarrassed at the same time. My lovely ladies cracked some jokes about feeding me and giving me extra forks, since I obviously, didn’t have enough.

Pregnancy brain does crazy things to a person. This wasn’t the first incident I’ve had. Funny thing is I can’t even remember half of them at the moment! Let’s see… Um… Oh!

  • I was driving Kristen to her husband’s work yesterday and she told me I was pregnant. I had to stop for a second and process what she was saying. I had forgotten.
  • I almost charged a customer $100 on a bill 2 weeks ago at work.
  • I forgot how old I was when the doctor asked. (This is a normal occurrence though.)
  • I confused the date for the family holiday party.
  • I forgot to add the photo for the Lotus Be giveaway today.

Who knows what’s going on at this point. Ask Kristen. She’ll have to be my brain for the next 7 months. 🙂

 

 

I’m dreaming of a full uterus.

I had a dream last night that I am pregnant.  I hate those dreams.  I wake up in a panic thinking I need to call the doctor or take a test or something.  It’s never pleasant when I burst into tears 4 seconds after waking up.  Luckily my husband slept through it all and  I could get up and on my way to work.  I think a lot of this has to do with so much “baby” stuff going on.  Obviously, Candi is pregnant which is awesome but I find myself acting like that 10-year-old that didn’t get that really cool toy for Christmas and will spend the next few weeks feeling like a failure.  I love you Candi…I love the baby…this is just how I feel I am acting and I feel like a fool.  I have several friends that are getting ready or have already had their babies.  I should be doing that.  I should be getting ready to squeeze a giant head through my loins.  So, as I was with Thanksgiving, I am grouchy.  I am the actual Grinch.

I had a great weekend.  I got to spend time with my husband and accomplish things that I had on my “to-do” list for a while.  I actually enjoyed myself.  Until yesterday afternoon.  I have no idea what set me off but I had a melt down.  I began freaking out at everyone.  I yelled at my husband for no reason.  I threatened to blow up Walmart…yeah…I still hate that store.  I threatened to drive my car into a pole or something (please don’t worry about me, I’m ok…not suicidal…just extremely hormonal and my car was really pissing me off.)  There are a lot of things that may be changing in my life with work and the husbands work and what not and I am in panic mode.  So, yesterday was bad.
I keep trying to make myself not such a bitch.  As with everyone else in the world, we have a million things going on.  I keep trying to fit in fertility treatments into the schedule and that is making things worse.  We “tried” again this month.  I will find out 4 days before Christmas.  I don’t know what I think about any of it.  Right now I’m trying to keep myself a float in the crazy mess I have created for myself.  I used to have my house decorated by now.  Yesterday I threatened to burn my fake tree that is still in the box in the basement.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.  If you feel like this…you are not alone.  This psycho is right there with you.

This is what infertility does to you.  This is what happens when you lose a baby.  Well, I should say it could happen to you unless you are one of those disgustingly perky folks that some call optimists.  I have told Candi the she has to keep being the optimist because i have no optimistic bones in my body.  I married an optimist.  It makes me sick sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to be angry or miserable.  I pull out of it but sometimes I just need to be mad.  This baby stuff just adds to the anger.  So, here’s me trying to be better and not so Grinchy.  When I get home today, I will clean my house (I say that everyday) and I will put my wreath on the door.  1 step at a time right?

Tips and Tricks for TTC-Debunked part 1

To preface this post and series about tips and tricks being debunked…I am not a medical professional.  I like to put myself into really embarrassing situations and then tell people about it.  If you really want to know if something works or is safe please, consult an actual physician or someone who has spent more than 3 months in medical school like I did.  Thank you.
Anyone in the TTC game knows that everyone has their own tips and tricks to tell you about.  Everyone thinks that if they get pregnant than whatever they were doing is the key to getting pregnant and if they didn’t get pregnant than whatever they tried that month is a complete failure and they will never try it again.  For example.  The month I got pregnant I had been changing our eating habits.  I went from eating crap, over processed, sugar/carb filled, horrible food to eating an almost vegetarian diet with mostly organic fruits and vegetables and hormone/antibiotic free chicken and wild fish.  I lost about 15 lbs at the last check before I went hog-wild.  After I found out I was pregnant I was convinced that my new eating habits, my lack of caring for the reproductive process and being more active got me pregnant.  I am sure it helped but I don’t think it ACTUALLY was a major factor.  Technically I was already pregnant a few days after I tried all of this.
So I decided, after reading some hilarious tricks and tips, to try them.  Not only for my own amusement but to prove to others that we TTC people are absolutely insane and will try damn near anything to help us get our babies we so desperately want to bring home healthy.  I will most likely try everything I describe here.  Probably starting out nice and easy then hitting you with the really insane stuff.  I also will tell you about things that I am almost certain I won’t try.  Like this.

According to my research, many women use egg whites as a form of lubricant.  Yes people.  EGG WHITES.  I thought my dear friend, who shall remain nameless, had flipped her lid when she told me this was a relatively common practice.  I had never heard of this until yesterday.  Basically you take an egg (the possibility for salmonella is only if you try to insert the entire egg with the shell because the shell is the only thing that could be contaminated so don’t stick an entire egg in your vagina please) and separate the yolk from the white.  You place the egg white in a cup and set it by your bedside 1 hour prior to sexy time so it will reach room temperature prior to insertion.  The video I watch explained that you could use a syringe (with no needle) or an actual turkey baster.  That made me laugh hysterically as I watched a middle-aged woman joyfully play with a turkey baster.  So, after it’s at room temperature and about 10 minutes before you proceed, insert the egg white into your lady parts.  If you are curious as to where to insert, the lady in the video told me “the place where we douche.”  Where the penis goes would have sufficed, thank you.  After you insert the egg white DO NOT STAND UP!  It will slip right on out.  The next step is to have sex.
*Side note – I was explaining this to my friend at work and I realized, and said, this.  There are already enough noises going on during sex and I’m not sure I can handle the sloshing noises that would be made if I added an egg white.  I have such a messed up mind that I wondered about scrambled eggs as well.
That was pretty much the end of the tutorial.
NOW!  The few people who I have spoken to about this “trick” have told me that it did not work.  I believe, until I ask my doctor tomorrow strictly out of curiosity, we will not be trying this.  It makes me nervous because I just don’t know if food needs to be involved in conception-outside of a diet of course.  This is supposed to make you “sperm friendly” and give you that egg white consistency to help the swimmers reach the target easier.  If you choose to try this, let me know how it works for you.  I will report back if we try it.
If you would rather a less disgusting way of getting that egg white cervical mucus consistency give some over the counter meds a try, with doctor’s permission if you are seeing a specialist for this stuff.  Guaifenesin is an expectorant.  You can find Guaifenesin tablets in pharmacies and online.  Guaifenesin is available over the counter in tablet form.  They are better than Robitussin because the tablets have the Guaifenesin as the only ingredient which ensures thin mucus.
There are also sperm safe lubricants you can use.  Preseed and Conceive Plus are 2 that I have heard great lubricants I have heard about.

I have tried the Guaifenesin in the form of Robitussin.  That lasted until I threw up the Robitussin because the taste is nasty.  I think I will be grabbing some of the Guaifenesin tablets at my earliest convenience.  (Mucinex contains this ingredient if you can’t find the actual Guaifenesin but be cautious with other ingredients in the product!)  We didn’t have the extra funding for the lube this month-I know this sounds horrible-so we will try that after the holidays I believe.

If you would like to find out information about other tips & tricks that you are too afraid to try, let me know.  If it’s something that I feel comfortable trying I will try it and post for the world to see…unless it involves egg whites in my vagina.  Stay tuned for the next installment of Tips & Tricks for TTC-Debunked! Baby dust and hugs to all!

The following link is where I found the videos for using Egg Whites for fertility.  If you are serious about trying this method please watch this first 🙂  http://www.tryingtoconceive.com/eggwhites.htm