Ovulation and PCOS

Shockingly enough, it’s possible without drugs!
I started my weight loss journey March 8th. It is now April 30th. I am down 28 pounds which is amazing for me. If you recall from my previous post, we took a much-needed fertility break because I just felt the timing was very bad. So, I have been going to the doctor every 30 days. Last month I went the day before my dad passed to find out I wasn’t pregnant and to let the doctor know that I was not going to actively pursue fertility treatments for a few months. He agreed and added that we would be using no medications. This was to see if my body was going to cooperate and work on its own.
As luck would have it, I ovulated. On my own! Now the problem is that we aren’t exactly sure when that happened. I was waiting for “the feeling” of ovulation. I thought I got that a few days after I normally did when everything is medically induced. HOWEVER, I think that was incorrect. The week AFTER, I had all the normal symptoms of ovulation…including EWCM. I actually texted Candi while she was at a baseball game to make sure it was possible that I could have ovulated and had this disgusting mucus.

Here I sit now, 7 days late for my period. I went in on the 23rd to the fertility doctors office to get my blood and ultrasound. At that moment, I would have been 5 days past ovulation if I actually ovulated that late. The test came back negative. No biggie because I am still not sure I could handle that and still grieving and everything else. I do, however, have a small voice in the back of my mind (and Candi’s voice in my ear) saying it’s still possible. I go back to the clinic tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood test. The doctor told me I should be starting anytime but I can’t wait for it to happen naturally at this point. I have been a raging bitch for the last 5 days. Not to mention extremely emotional. I have no other symptoms…so I have no idea what is going on but I will find out tomorrow if I don’t start before then.

This is just a small glimmer of hope to you ladies out there with PCOS. I know not everyone has a weight problem and I don’t believe this is all because of my weight. I am so much healthier now because of the products I use. I have energy, I get off the couch and run or walk, I play with my dogs outside rather than let them out and call them back in. I truly believe that with the right nutrition and healthy living you can reverse the effects of PCOS. I am trying my damnedest. My doctor said he was stunned that I had lost so much weight and that I ovulated on my own. Maybe this will mean I don’t have to spend every last dime on treatments anymore.

Keep up the good thoughts everyone. I am thinking about you always! Baby dust to everyone that wants it!

OOOOOOOOH I wish I had a…

Vaginal ultrasound machine. I actually sang this to the tune of the Oscar Myer bologna song. Try it! It really works well. A vaginal ultrasound machine takes the guess-work out of ovulation. There are other things I could do. For instance, I could buy OPK’s. Which I did from the dollar tree. I am too cheap and too poor to buy them from the real pharmacy where they have multiple sticks and you don’t have to provide your own cup. The results were that I was not having a LH surge, yet I feel like there is something going on with my ovary…particularly the left one.
With us being on a “break” so to speak from the fertility clinic, I took no ovulation inducer. I am off every type of hormone known to medicine aside from what my body does, or doesn’t in my case, create. This is why I would like a vaginal ultrasound machine. You can see any follicles on your ovaries. Unfortunately, these machines cost many thousands of dollars. You also would probably do best if you had an ultrasound tech that could read them (or a really great husband that would hold the wand where you tell him…HAH!) I also have the thought that my bff would be coming over for ultrasounds all the time (they do come with the non vaginal wands when you buy the machine) so we can make sure little dude is alright.

This whole thought has been going on all week. I should be ovulating at some point this week if I were going to ovulate. I have no idea if it’s worth it to stay up until the husband gets home to baby dance and then be so exhausted in the morning I can’t function. I’m not sleeping all that well but apparently when Jeremy came home the other night and tried to “wake me up”, I smacked the shit out of him. I recall none of this. His being on 2nd shift makes procreation a very difficult thing. He is either waking up in the middle of his “night”, meaning 6am, to give me a sample in a cup or I am staying up way too late, meaning 12-1am, to do the deed and plant his seed. This makes us both very cranky.
ANYWAY! If i just had access to my very own ultrasound machine I would be set. I would know when I could sleep and not worry that ovulation is occurring at every turn. I would also know when to make my husband do his duties as a man.

Normally, I wouldn’t be worried about ovulation without medication. However, I have lost 20lbs in the last month and the doctor told me that with every 10lbs I lose my chances of ovulating go up a good percentage. This means I may not have to go back and spend every last dime I have to get knocked up. Or I could save those pennies to have an ultrasound machine…

Hysterosalpingogram. Say that 3 times fast.

That word has never exited my mouth. Only because I get halfway through and decide it’s too difficult and I shorten it to what many know it as “HSG”. This is that lovely test where the doctor injects radioactive dye in your uterus to see if there is a blockage in your tubes. I had my 3rd hsg on Tuesday. I knew what to expect. I took a few Ibuprofen before I went in and I was ready to go. It wasn’t bad. The doctor said there may have been a little block because there was a little hesitation on my left side but the dye was flowing just fine and everything looks good. Thank goodness. I also informed my doctor I would much rather have 400 hsg’s instead of 1 uterine biopsy. I’ve had 4 or 5 of those and let me warn you…they are horrible. Worst thing ever. I have a really high pain tolerance but that test is enough to make me decide to do adoption only.
The hsg not only clears out your blockages but apparently makes you incredibly fertile. So my plan of not trying this month has been put aside. I’m not crossing anything (especially since crossing my legs would be completely unproductive.) So we are back to having more artificial insemination with no break. I’m ok with it…I think. I was going to try to lessen the crazy in my life and take a month off but that’s not going to happen it seems.

I thought I had so much more to say about this topic but apparently I don’t. I kind of have a mental block with this. I keep thinking of great, hilarious things and when I sit down to write I blank. Maybe this little weekend will break that blockage just like the hsg does for my fallopian tubes.

Until next time my lovelies.

The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

I’m mental.

For the last few days I have been sick. Generally feeling like crap. I don’t know if I got a little of that flu bug or if I just have been so ridiculously depressed that my body is succumbing to my mental inadequacies. Either way, it was not fun. I was to the point yesterday where I didn’t care what happened. I cried all day long. I would be fine and then I would get a text from Candi, my husband, or a message at work from Trisha and I would have a mental breakdown. All day long. I have been trying to figure out if it’s PMS or if it’s hormonal because maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked and I got pregnant so I have a little alien leaching off my brain stem. Of course I am hoping for the latter but who knows.

This is what kicked off this post. During all the crazy and not feeling well I kept feeling as though I had cramps. I never used to get cramps before I lost our baby. I very rarely knew when Aunt Flow was coming for a visit unless I checked the app I have for that. Now I get cramps. Normally, I would say women are giant babies when they get them if they call off of work or don’t function and only stay in bed until they are gone. I apologize to everyone for thinking that. I have never had so much physical pain until I got cramps. So just thinking I had cramps made me mad. I knew I would be irritable and not very happy until they were gone. Then a funny thing happened. I didn’t have cramps. I was confused. I figured I was trying to make myself have them because I did something stupid. I never test before I go to the doctor to find out if I’m pregnant or not but this cycle I tested 5 days early. My TTC rule #28483 don’t do that!!! It’s just dumb. I get upset and possibly it’s wrong.

Fast forward to this morning. Again I think I have cramps. But I don’t. Do you know those crazy women that trick their bodies into acting like they are pregnant? I feel like I’m doing that. I have had the stomach flu, I’m nervous about an interview I have this afternoon, I am super stressed out, and I am 2 days from the start of my cycle. Maybe it is cramps. I can’t decide. I don’t have all the normal symptoms I get before I start. The symptoms haven’t changed in months but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did this month just to piss me off. I keep gagging and feeling like I’m going to throw up. I never throw up. Yeah, I may have thrown up with the flu but this is different. But again, I’m mentally screwed so I’m probably bringing this upon myself.

So here I sit. 2 days before I’m supposed to start my period, apparently wishing cramps on myself. I am incredibly insane…which I can attribute to many things. Which, by the way, I need to apologize to everyone who has been in the path of my rage. There is a list so long that it would take me an hour to write. But, I’m sorry. I have way too much on my plate and I’m pretty sure my husband is moments away from committing me to the psych ward. I hear it’s nice there. They give you the good drugs.

We aren’t going to try next cycle. We are going to do another hsg (dye into the uterus which clears out blockages) and birth control so that I can get my mental faculties back. If you have ever done months of treatments before you know how crazy you can get with the extra hormones. If you know me at all, you know how absolutely nuts I am WITHOUT the hormones…it’s better for all involved. I don’t feel like me and I’m losing grip on reality. We both think this is a good idea before I do end up in a straight jacket or in a clock tower somewhere. Here’s to a much saner month and less crazy in the future. Also, here’s to another wasted cycle. I know I haven’t been checked but I am supposed to start on Sunday and my doctor’s appointment is Monday….I have a strong feeling that, because it’s the grossest thing in the world to me, I will have to have an internal ultrasound while bleeding like a stuck pig. It’s just how my luck runs.

Letter to my little one: For when you doubt my love

Good morning sunshine! Right now we are 12 weeks pregnant. That means that you have been growing for 10 weeks now. I’m still not feeling well yet, but I’m cherishing every moment I have with you, because I know how precious every minute is. If we haven’t told you yet, but I’m sure we have, you actually have 4 older siblings! You have your two sisters, Brooke and Emily, that you are well aware of. You also have your sister, Jordan, and your brother, Mason. We lost both of them before they were born and we miss them every day. So far, I’ve gotten to spend more time with you than I have with either of them. Thank you for hanging in there!

When we first found out I was pregnant with you, my doctor (who I adore!) told me that my blood work didn’t look good, and to be prepared that we might lose you. I was devastated. I sat in her office and cried hysterically, as she continued the conversation with another concern. If we did in fact lose you, she wanted us to take some time out from trying to have another baby. She was worried that I may not be able to handle another loss, mentally. I could barely wrap my head around the fact of losing yet another child, let alone not being able to try again for an undermined about of time. Luckily, your dad vetoed that idea. He knew how much we wanted you and taking time off wasn’t an option.

As I was waiting over an hour (and the longest hour of my life) to have more blood drawn, I asked your dad if we could let every one know that we were pregnant. I felt strongly that we either needed prayers, support, or both. He said to do whatever I felt I needed to do. Right there, at the doctors office, at 4 weeks pregnant, I told the world about you. I posted a message on Facebook for all the good thoughts and prayers our family and friends could muster. I told them how much I loved you and how I didn’t want to have to lose another baby. If you were going to go to Heaven, they would at least know the depth of my love for you, in the short time you were with us. At that moment I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before. I told God that you were His. He was in control of your destiny and that if he was going to take you, I’d let you go. I wouldn’t be happy about it though. I left this pregnancy up to Him.

I got my blood taken and the next day the doctor called with some good news. You were growing! Prayers and good thoughts continued to come in. My hormone levels were increasing the way they were supposed to, but we weren’t safe yet. I had blood drawn every day for a week. Each time the news was better and better! We made it to 6 weeks, when I lost Jordan- milestone. I heard your heartbeat and saw your picture- milestone. We made it to 9 weeks 4 days, when I lost Mason- milestone. We just made it to 12 weeks- milestone!

On Monday, your dad and I will get to see you again. It will have been 6 weeks since we’ve seen you last. You’ve grown a lot since then. They say you are about the size of a lime, but I don’t believe it. I check your heartbeat every few days, just to be sure, but you seem to be doing great! I can’t wait to see you, baby!

Now you may wonder someday, when did I first know that I wanted you. Well, always. There has never been a time that I questioned if I wanted to have kids or not. Not even for a second. I really knew and began thinking and planning about you when I was 14. I would watch a talk show called Maury. He had teens on his show that really wanted to have babies. They were trying hard to get pregnant and they were only the same age that I was! I really wanted you then, but I was smart enough to wait. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to be able to take care of you. No matter what though, I knew I wanted you.

When I was 18, I got married. I had a job. I joined the military. I was so ready to bring you into my life! I prayed for you every night and wished upon every star. God had other plans, though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent the 5 years that I was married waiting for you. My ex-husband was manipulative and abusive. It would not have been a happy environment for you, little one. Looking back, I’m glad you waited to come.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. We have your dad and Brooke and Emily. Oh and of course the dog, Sam. He loves kids. He thinks he is one, actually. We have two angel babies in Heaven, watching over you. You are already so loved and have been for so long. Your dad is an amazing man and I can’t wait for you to meet him. You will love him so much. He is kind, caring, strong, hard working, and he wants you just as much as I do! We are so happy to have you, baby. You were wanted for so long, and now here you are. We are counting down the days until we see your smiling face. You are loved. You are wanted. You are a dream come true and an answered prayer.

Love Always,

Mom

 

How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. 🙂

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

Don’t let the 2nd trimester fool you!

Today I’m 11 weeks, 4 days. I’m so close to 12 weeks that I can touch it! According to Babyzone, Baby Center, What to Expect, and all of the wonderful pregnancy powers at be, my morning sickness should be fading, I should be getting my energy back, and I should be happy and smiling while doing my yoga and cleaning the house, simultaneously. They LIE. L-I-E-S.

I’m starting spring semester at school tomorrow and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to manage. I’ve had morning sickness since 6 weeks and been on Zofran practical every day since. Up until a few days ago I was able to take my Zofran in the morning, stay hydrated to stave off the side effect headaches, have a little queasiness and an occasional gag throughout the day, but I was good. I could still get things accomplished. I was doing my first trimester workout tapes- yoga, cardio, and belly dancing! The clothes weren’t getting washed and Chris reminded me of that this morning, (sorry babe!! I’ll try harder.) but I was handling pregnancy well. True I was sleeping until 9am every morning and only eating oranges and baked potatoes, but hey- I was eating.

Nooooo. Not any more! Not since week 10.5. I am exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’m taking my Zofran in the morning (and afternoon) and nausea continues throughout the day, along with gagging, and occasionally throwing up. I can’t keep myself hydrated enough to keep the Zofran headaches away which leads to more nausea which makes me want to take more Zofran, but that would only lead to more headaches. I’m STARVING and I can’t eat.  I smell food and I gag. Baked potatoes and oranges are the only things I can keep down. Before that’s only what I wanted. I could eat other food, as long as it didn’t contain meat, but now I can’t even stand the sight of other things. We were at Chris’s Grandma’s today cleaning out the house, preparing for the big move. He went to pick up pizza and as soon as he walked in the door with it I started tearing up from nausea. I was about to cry because I wanted to be as far away from that pizza as possible, yet I hadn’t been able to eat anything all day.

Pinterest is a joke. The stupid website makes me think that if I just make *insert delicious food here,* that I’ll be able to eat it. Nope! Chris made an awesome veggie lasagna last night for dinner and as soon as he set it on the table, I lost my ability to eat. I’d like to say I lost my appetite, but that wasn’t the case. :/

It’s not just food. I bend over and I gag. I can’t do the laundry without getting sick. I walk for more than 2 minutes and I gag. I went to the store yesterday and felt like death. I sit watching tv or on the computer and I gag.

This isn’t me crying about being pregnant or the fact that I’m sick. If that were the case I’d say something like “I hate being sick all the time! Stupid morning sickness! Why can’t I just feel better! I wish this baby would just be here already!!!.” You get the picture. Well of course I hate being sick and wish that I felt better, but if baby is healthy, I’ll take the sickness. I may not be enjoying it, but I’m accepting it.

So now at 0700 tomorrow morning when I leave my house to be at school by 0745, I will pray the whole way there. I will pray that I don’t throw up in my car. I will pray that I don’t throw up in class. I will pray that I can focus and concentrate and learn. I will pray I can make it through my morning classes and afternoon work and evening classes without a nap. I pray that I’ll be able to find something to eat that I can keep down. I pray that I don’t take my hormones and hunger and exhaustion out on poor Chris. And I pray that I can do it all over again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Kristen and Chris have both told me that they feel I’ll have morning sickness throughout my pregnancy. I want to punch them both for saying such horrible things about me. I hope that isn’t the case, but I guess – if it is, they are the ones that have to deal with my wrath. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bring it.

My main meal

It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes 🙂

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me 🙂

A New Year with new goals

I have decided I will not be making a new year resolution. Instead I decided that we (Jeremy and I) will be making goals for the year. I have been obsessed with Pinterest since before it became popular so I have a million ideas on how to show our goals and keep track of how we are doing all year.
I woke up about 4 hours late today (as usual) and started cleaning and getting our list started. I was asked if I will have “get pregnant” on my list. Nope. I have been saying for the past 7 years that I will get pregnant. I did last year and we all know how that turned out. I have nothing fertility or baby related on my list. I can’t control my eggs. I can’t control my uterus. I can’t control whatever plan is in place. We are going to continue with fertility treatments which has been the plan all along. I won’t say I will be sane and not obsess over this but I have to get a grip. Fertility treatments and infertility consumes people. It has consumed me. I have let the depression get me in such a horrible place that I have withdrawn from society and personal interactions as much as possible. Luckily I have realized this before it got so bad that I can’t get out of it.
So I have goals. I have projects to keep me occupied. I have plans that, if I get pregnant, can continue or be stopped regardless of the outcome. I have an unspoken goal to get pregnant (even though I just typed it) but I won’t put it on a list. I will just keep it in my thoughts and prayers and know that whatever happens happens.
Good luck with all of your new years plans, resolutions, and goals. One of my goals is to finish my goals. That’s going to be difficult enough for me to do. This year has a lot of great things in store for us. Watch out for crazy to come to town, I know it’s coming soon.
Happy New Year and lots of love to all.