A New Year with new goals

I have decided I will not be making a new year resolution. Instead I decided that we (Jeremy and I) will be making goals for the year. I have been obsessed with Pinterest since before it became popular so I have a million ideas on how to show our goals and keep track of how we are doing all year.
I woke up about 4 hours late today (as usual) and started cleaning and getting our list started. I was asked if I will have “get pregnant” on my list. Nope. I have been saying for the past 7 years that I will get pregnant. I did last year and we all know how that turned out. I have nothing fertility or baby related on my list. I can’t control my eggs. I can’t control my uterus. I can’t control whatever plan is in place. We are going to continue with fertility treatments which has been the plan all along. I won’t say I will be sane and not obsess over this but I have to get a grip. Fertility treatments and infertility consumes people. It has consumed me. I have let the depression get me in such a horrible place that I have withdrawn from society and personal interactions as much as possible. Luckily I have realized this before it got so bad that I can’t get out of it.
So I have goals. I have projects to keep me occupied. I have plans that, if I get pregnant, can continue or be stopped regardless of the outcome. I have an unspoken goal to get pregnant (even though I just typed it) but I won’t put it on a list. I will just keep it in my thoughts and prayers and know that whatever happens happens.
Good luck with all of your new years plans, resolutions, and goals. One of my goals is to finish my goals. That’s going to be difficult enough for me to do. This year has a lot of great things in store for us. Watch out for crazy to come to town, I know it’s coming soon.
Happy New Year and lots of love to all.

Advertisements

I’m dreaming of a full uterus.

I had a dream last night that I am pregnant.  I hate those dreams.  I wake up in a panic thinking I need to call the doctor or take a test or something.  It’s never pleasant when I burst into tears 4 seconds after waking up.  Luckily my husband slept through it all and  I could get up and on my way to work.  I think a lot of this has to do with so much “baby” stuff going on.  Obviously, Candi is pregnant which is awesome but I find myself acting like that 10-year-old that didn’t get that really cool toy for Christmas and will spend the next few weeks feeling like a failure.  I love you Candi…I love the baby…this is just how I feel I am acting and I feel like a fool.  I have several friends that are getting ready or have already had their babies.  I should be doing that.  I should be getting ready to squeeze a giant head through my loins.  So, as I was with Thanksgiving, I am grouchy.  I am the actual Grinch.

I had a great weekend.  I got to spend time with my husband and accomplish things that I had on my “to-do” list for a while.  I actually enjoyed myself.  Until yesterday afternoon.  I have no idea what set me off but I had a melt down.  I began freaking out at everyone.  I yelled at my husband for no reason.  I threatened to blow up Walmart…yeah…I still hate that store.  I threatened to drive my car into a pole or something (please don’t worry about me, I’m ok…not suicidal…just extremely hormonal and my car was really pissing me off.)  There are a lot of things that may be changing in my life with work and the husbands work and what not and I am in panic mode.  So, yesterday was bad.
I keep trying to make myself not such a bitch.  As with everyone else in the world, we have a million things going on.  I keep trying to fit in fertility treatments into the schedule and that is making things worse.  We “tried” again this month.  I will find out 4 days before Christmas.  I don’t know what I think about any of it.  Right now I’m trying to keep myself a float in the crazy mess I have created for myself.  I used to have my house decorated by now.  Yesterday I threatened to burn my fake tree that is still in the box in the basement.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.  If you feel like this…you are not alone.  This psycho is right there with you.

This is what infertility does to you.  This is what happens when you lose a baby.  Well, I should say it could happen to you unless you are one of those disgustingly perky folks that some call optimists.  I have told Candi the she has to keep being the optimist because i have no optimistic bones in my body.  I married an optimist.  It makes me sick sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to be angry or miserable.  I pull out of it but sometimes I just need to be mad.  This baby stuff just adds to the anger.  So, here’s me trying to be better and not so Grinchy.  When I get home today, I will clean my house (I say that everyday) and I will put my wreath on the door.  1 step at a time right?

Hcg bakeries?

When I stopped by Candi’s office on Wednesday to take her a Chalupa (because I’m a good friend like that), we were discussing how I am not sure if I can afford to do fertility treatments next month because finances are super tight right now.  The extent of what I would do is take my Letrozole and get an hcg shot and Jeremy and I would bbd as often as possible.  There are many factors of why I didn’t want to actively try in December…1st is that I was due in December and my heart feels like it’s about to explode.  Every pregnant woman I see, talk to, or hear about makes me sad.  So sad I can’t even talk to people I am super close to because I get so upset I start crying at the thought of them….like I am doing right now at my desk in my pjs.  2nd issue is that the way my cycle falls, I will have my test to find out if I would be pregnant or not just a couple of days before Christmas.  It ruined Thanksgiving for me so why not ruin Christmas right?  3rd issue is that it’s freaking expensive!  This would be the cheapest we could get away with having to pay but it’s still close to a couple hundred bucks after meds, copays, shots, and other drugs.  As we all know, coming up with extra money at the end of the year with the holidays is always difficult.

Whoa, way off topic….
Anyway, we discussed what the course of treatment would be and I told Candi that the main thing I would have to get was an hcg shot to make those fat juicy follicles release beautiful eggs to make my fat beautiful babies.  I explained to her that we would have to find some pregnant chicks (not hard right this second) that would pee in cups so we could make the hcg shots.  Apparently, it is not common knowledge that the hcg shots that we get have hcg that is extracted from pregnant women’s urine.  This is no joke.  I wiki’d it…hahaha.  So, with this new fact, Candi has chosen our new business venture which I think is foul and disgusting but if it worked….I might try it.

Hcg Bakery.  We take the hormone and bake it into brownies and cookies and cheesecake.  Then you become super fertile.  I haven’t done much research on the hcg holding up in an oven or in a mixing bowl but we may figure it out.  I did see that the FDA said the “hcg diets” were fraudulent so maybe they know something we don’t and in fact hcg goes GREAT with brownies.  We also have an idea for a baby farm-more on that later-but that would aid in our collection of hcg.  It’s a win win!  I did tell Candi that I will refuse any baked good she offers me from now on.  We know enough pregnant people, I wouldn’t put it past her to try to get some hcg from them for me…
This also has me considering a line of liquor.  The “hcg shots”…hahaha GENIUS!  Patent pending! 🙂  In all of 5 seconds I just created the advertisements and my target demographics.  I really should have gotten a college degree and done something with all of my genius ideas.

All right.  That’s enough for the day I think.  Consider yourself lucky that your best friend isn’t trying to feed you pregnant woman pee laced baked goods.  However, be jealous that my best friend would take a pregnant woman’s pee and lace baked goods with it so I can have a baby and not be such a psychopath.

Holidays and the blues

I am a pessimist.  Always have been, always will be.  I think this is part of the reason why I despise the holidays.  My husband, poor Jeremy, gets the brunt of this.  Trying to get pregnant takes a toll on everyone in the family when emotions cloud joy and happiness.  I used to love the holidays.  I probably would already have the house decorated, complete with tree and outside lights.  Usually I have the holiday dinners at my house every year but this year is different.
When we found out I was pregnant in April, one of the very first things I said was “HEY! This baby will be here right around Christmas!!” and my husbands quick response was “And you will not be 9 months pregnant entertaining the entire family in our house!”  That was perfectly fine with me.  Not knowing if I would be in the hospital having a baby or so tired that I couldn’t cook the normal feast for 15 people made the proclamation from Jeremy completely acceptable.  When we lost the baby in June I realized that this plan was probably still the best idea.  I knew the holidays would be difficult…way more difficult than usual.  I always get incredibly stressed out starting right about now and the stress doesn’t end until the end of the last night of Christmas celebrations.  As I worked through my grief in the past few months I thought it wouldn’t be so bad.  I tried to tell myself I could get through it with the support from my husband.  He said our house would be our “safe haven” when I start feeling overwhelmed we could come home to our quiet house with our fur-babies and relax.  Now, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I don’t want to leave my house.  I wake up in the morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair but I pick myself up, go to work, and try to make the best of this life I am living.
To make things worse, my appointment with my RE is scheduled for tomorrow.  I told the receptionist that this was a cruel joke to give me shit news right before a day of thanks.  She reminded me that it’s not always negative news she gives me and to try to be positive.  As I said earlier this month, I was trying not to think about it.  I tried not to care.  That didn’t work so well for me this month.  Every day, at one moment or another, I would think about the test.  I would think about the fact that I would probably be pissed off tomorrow afternoon.  So, I created projects for myself to keep me busy as best I could.  I stayed in a good mood.  I kept my bitching to a minimum.  I tried not to think about the possible cramps or the other feelings you get when you are about to get your monthly curse.
Today was a great day at work.  I laughed, got a big part of a project done, got a hug from a very unexpected person who has WAY more crap going on in her life right now than I do (not to mention she’s a mean ass old lady), and I looked forward to coming home to my husband who is on vacation.  When I got home, I started getting upset.  I started losing my temper.  I caught myself becoming a witch.  I know the signs of PMS.  I know how I get and how my body gets when it gets near to that time of the month.  Right now, I am fighting it.  I don’t know if you can fight a menstrual cycle but dammit I am trying.

I promise my mom I would cook the turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and bake 3 pies.  I feel like a dumbass for agreeing to it because I really don’t want to do any of it.  So that’s where I sit.  At this exact moment I hate my body, my ovaries, my uterus, the holidays, and pretty much anything else that is going on at the moment.  I know we are trying to keep this light and humorous but sometimes that is just physically impossible.  I wanted to let you readers know that you don’t have to be ok all of the time.  If you feel like throwing a freshly roasted turkey at a wall, it’s normal. I considered asking my husband if we could go out into the country with a bag of potatoes and have target practice.  The holidays are difficult for a lot of people and I want you to know that I am right there with you.  There is no shame in grieving even if the grief is from a day ago or 35 years ago.

The cliché thing to say is “be thankful for what you have.”  Yeah. Do that but take care of yourself as well.  Try not to worry about what others are thinking of you when you avoid a family function because seeing someone may make it that much more difficult for you not to start the family brawl before the gravy hits the table.
Try to relax (hahahaha yeah…I know) and make your holidays the best you can for you.  I will probably just eat all of the food and stuff myself until I pass out and don’t wake up until Monday morning.
Much love and hugs.

Being thankful doesn’t mean I’m happy

But I am. Currently. So, before my body goes and confirms that I am in fact not pregnant this month and throws me into a temporary depression, I want to take a minute (or a few) to express how much I have to be grateful for. I will continue to be thankful, even through any sadness I may yet encounter. First know in life, I have been dealt a raw deal, many times. I was in an abusive marriage. I am clinically depressed. I struggled with self-injury. I have a laundry list of health issues. I was left by my fiancée months before our wedding, without warning. I have lost two babies and am waiting impatiently for my third pregnancy. I pray to God it ends with a healthy baby in my arms. You know what? Actually looking back at this hand in life that I feel I have unfortunately been dealt, it doesn’t seem so bad at all. I have a wealth of blessings that far out weigh the badness that has happened.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in God and that all things happen for good for those who believe in him. Not one of the issues I have listed above do I regret. Not one of those things can I not find the silver lining.

I was in an abusive marriage: because of this I joined the military. The military has given me adventure, friendship, education, health benefits, and life experience.

I am clinically depressed: I suffered a long time in silence before I was diagnosed and treated. This goes along with the self-injury issue. I have spent many hours in utter heartbreak and emotional struggles before I was prescribed meds and a therapist. I take away a sense of empathy. I feel that I have been given a better understanding of peoples emotions. I am willing to put my story out there in an attempt to let others know they are not alone. If my pain helps even one person,  I think it’s worth it.

My health issues: they range from hip problems to allergies to migraines to sleep issues to asthma etc. This one is a little harder to find the silver lining, but it could be worse.  I have all of my own parts and pieces. I am able to walk, see, touch, and take care of myself. I am able to experience life.

My fiancée left me: but I ended up with a man that couldn’t have been more perfect for me had I created him myself. Chris has been my rock. My source of laughter and joy. My cheerleader. My lover. My best friend.

I have lost two babies: without my love and eventually grief that came from Jordan and Mason, Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation would have never came about. Yes, it did also involve the loss of Kristen’s son at the same time. I feel if it had only been one of us- we wouldn’t have this same drive and passion for spreading the word on infertility and miscarriage and giving women hope and a place to share their stories.

There is a silver lining in all the bad I have experienced, but I said there is even more that I am grateful for. I have a full time job. I have a roof over my head. My bills are paid. I have a supportive and loving family and friends. I am co-owner of a wonderful company. I have gotten to travel. I have Chris’s two daughters that I love as if they were my own. I am alive. I am well. I have so many things that others would die to have. I have freedom of speech and religion. I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I do not want for anything, except a child. I may not have it all, but I have so much. I am blessed; I am thankful, and at this moment, before my body betrays me again, I am happy.

Guess who’s (not) coming to dinner!

*I’m really, really wanting to post something crazy funny, but as I’m typing, my words are more sober than happy drunk. I’m not really sure what the opposite of sober is in this situation. Or do I mean somber… Anyways…

So the trouble with grieving (a loss or the inability to conceive) is that it doesn’t stop time. Your friends move on, your family move on, the world keeps on spinning. The AWESOME things about this most recent loss of mine is that I have a good friend, “Megan”, due 2 weeks before I should have been and a cousin, “Devin”, due 2 weeks after. My due date was my grandpa’s birthday, January 26. I have another pregnant best friend, “Liz.” I am surrounded by crazy pregnant hormones and I’m not seeming to be catching whatever it is they have.

Let me back track just a tad. Last month was the wedding of a cousin of mine. We’ll call him “Jeremy.” See above paragraph where I have a pregnant cousin- not the same ones, but yes, same family. Somehow in my excitement for celebrating the marriage of these two lovebirds, Jeremy and “Dani”, I neglected to register that above said pregnant cousin (Devin – wife of cousin “Stevie”) would also be attending said nuptials. Well, as soon as I saw Stevie, I burst into tears. No joke- hysterical- oh-my-gosh-I’m-dying-of-a-broken-heart, sobbing, tears. I excused myself to the bathroom for some tissues, got two quick hugs from cousins, “Gwen” and “Jess”, and headed back to the ceremony. I couldn’t control the raw emotion that overcame me. I felt as if I had just lost Mason, and here it had been 4 months. I continued this awful, ugly, crying throughout the ceremony. I felt HORRIBLE. How would you feel if some crazy psycho made a scene during your wedding???

Fast forward a month, and it’s holiday time! Yay for family get-togethers, lots of delicious food, and happiness. Right? Yeah, no. Sorry family, but here is my public announcement: I will not be attending Thanksgiving. I will not be attending Christmas. I will not be attending any other parties that are between here and the foreseeable future. I do NOT want to be around my (very dear, sweet) pregnant cousin when I should be 2 weeks fatter than her. This is no reflection on her or my family, but on me. I can’t control my emotions. They are raw and horrible. I am still grieving the loss of my son. I do not want to subject my loved ones to yet another (or multiple) scene(s). Nope. I am not gunna do it.

Come January 26, when Mason should be in my arms and instead I’m seeing pictures and announcements and excitement, please excuse me for not sharing your joy. Yes, I am happy for your blessing, but I am still grieving over mine.

I guess my point here isn’t that I’m trying to hide my grief, but that I am trying to contain it just a little. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, and this time it has the benefit of not upsetting my family. Everyone grieves differently. There is no timeline. There are no rules. There is no “right” or “wrong.” We do what we are able to do on a particular day and rejoice when we realized we’ve survived. We will all survive. We will come out stronger than when we started our journeys and we will have absolutely no clue how we did it, but we will.

Here’s to hope, faith, courage, love, and understanding friends.

P.S. The names I used in this blog are in fact not changed in any way…