Ovulation and PCOS

Shockingly enough, it’s possible without drugs!
I started my weight loss journey March 8th. It is now April 30th. I am down 28 pounds which is amazing for me. If you recall from my previous post, we took a much-needed fertility break because I just felt the timing was very bad. So, I have been going to the doctor every 30 days. Last month I went the day before my dad passed to find out I wasn’t pregnant and to let the doctor know that I was not going to actively pursue fertility treatments for a few months. He agreed and added that we would be using no medications. This was to see if my body was going to cooperate and work on its own.
As luck would have it, I ovulated. On my own! Now the problem is that we aren’t exactly sure when that happened. I was waiting for “the feeling” of ovulation. I thought I got that a few days after I normally did when everything is medically induced. HOWEVER, I think that was incorrect. The week AFTER, I had all the normal symptoms of ovulation…including EWCM. I actually texted Candi while she was at a baseball game to make sure it was possible that I could have ovulated and had this disgusting mucus.

Here I sit now, 7 days late for my period. I went in on the 23rd to the fertility doctors office to get my blood and ultrasound. At that moment, I would have been 5 days past ovulation if I actually ovulated that late. The test came back negative. No biggie because I am still not sure I could handle that and still grieving and everything else. I do, however, have a small voice in the back of my mind (and Candi’s voice in my ear) saying it’s still possible. I go back to the clinic tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood test. The doctor told me I should be starting anytime but I can’t wait for it to happen naturally at this point. I have been a raging bitch for the last 5 days. Not to mention extremely emotional. I have no other symptoms…so I have no idea what is going on but I will find out tomorrow if I don’t start before then.

This is just a small glimmer of hope to you ladies out there with PCOS. I know not everyone has a weight problem and I don’t believe this is all because of my weight. I am so much healthier now because of the products I use. I have energy, I get off the couch and run or walk, I play with my dogs outside rather than let them out and call them back in. I truly believe that with the right nutrition and healthy living you can reverse the effects of PCOS. I am trying my damnedest. My doctor said he was stunned that I had lost so much weight and that I ovulated on my own. Maybe this will mean I don’t have to spend every last dime on treatments anymore.

Keep up the good thoughts everyone. I am thinking about you always! Baby dust to everyone that wants it!

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It’s been a while: Some exciting news and some boring stuff

It’s been a while since we’ve posted anything. It’s definitely not due to lack of things to say. Sometimes it’s just better to  leave things unsaid. I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on with me and Kristen can fill you in whenever she’s ready. We aren’t leaving out any juicy news or anything. Don’t worry.

So where are we now? By “we” I mean my happy little family. As far as I know, baby is doing well. Today is 18weeks 6 days. That means I am 1 week and 1 day out from the switch from miscarriage to stillbirth territory. Yes, I have been dreading it. God forbid I lose another baby, but if I do, I at least want to make it to 20 weeks. I understand it’s horribly morbid, but stillbirth seems to hold more weight than a miscarriage does, when it comes to public opinion. I still hate talking about my pregnancy to most people. I hate when people ask about it. I hate it all. I should be so excited right? I mean this is what I’ve wanted for so long, but the truth is, I don’t think I’ll be able to breath until I have a healthy, happy baby in my arms. I’m fearful. I’m scared. I’m terrified. Maybe when I start feeling some more movement I’ll feel a little better. Right now I’ve got a couple little bubbles every now and then, but nothing that I’m absolutely sure is baby. Our ultrasound is at the end of the month, so I’ll fill you in if we are having a little miss or a little mister soon! So far, pregnancy after loss is awful when it comes to fears. I just can’t seem to relax and enjoy it at all. I’m waiting for July with open arms.

In other news: Chris and I are getting married!! He asked me about a week and a half ago as we were starting to move into our new house. Yup. We moved. I think I told you that we were planning on it, but we finally got *mostly* moved in this past weekend. So we’re moved, unpacking, getting married, and having a baby! Talk about crazy busy. We haven’t discussed the wedding in too much detail since we’ve been mainly focused on the move, but it’ll probably be this summer before baby is born. It’ll just be a small ceremony, maybe at the courthouse, followed by a smallish reception. We just moved and we’re having a baby, therefore, we are poor. At least poor in the sense of not having a multi-thousand dollar wedding!

I’m taking Chris on his first ever plane ride at the end of the month, too! Engagement, babymoon, our 2 year anniversary, and ultrasound all in one month! Awesome! We’re going to Kansas City to visit my far away best friend who is 5 weeks more pregnant than I am. We almost always have a trip together (Liz and I) for our birthdays, since we are so close together (February 3 and March 3rd.) We’ve got a trip to The Melting Pot planned and lots of fun Kansas City stuff to enjoy. I’m looking forward to the BBQ! I haven’t been to KC since the weekend I met Chris 2 years ago.  I met him on a Friday, left on Saturday for a week in KC, and have only been a part from him maybe 2 weeks total since then. Ain’t love grand 🙂

Well, I think that’s all for now. I’ll try and keep you updated a little better next time.

Sam and me 2.5 weeks ago

Sam and me 2.5 weeks ago

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Letter to my little one: For when you doubt my love

Good morning sunshine! Right now we are 12 weeks pregnant. That means that you have been growing for 10 weeks now. I’m still not feeling well yet, but I’m cherishing every moment I have with you, because I know how precious every minute is. If we haven’t told you yet, but I’m sure we have, you actually have 4 older siblings! You have your two sisters, Brooke and Emily, that you are well aware of. You also have your sister, Jordan, and your brother, Mason. We lost both of them before they were born and we miss them every day. So far, I’ve gotten to spend more time with you than I have with either of them. Thank you for hanging in there!

When we first found out I was pregnant with you, my doctor (who I adore!) told me that my blood work didn’t look good, and to be prepared that we might lose you. I was devastated. I sat in her office and cried hysterically, as she continued the conversation with another concern. If we did in fact lose you, she wanted us to take some time out from trying to have another baby. She was worried that I may not be able to handle another loss, mentally. I could barely wrap my head around the fact of losing yet another child, let alone not being able to try again for an undermined about of time. Luckily, your dad vetoed that idea. He knew how much we wanted you and taking time off wasn’t an option.

As I was waiting over an hour (and the longest hour of my life) to have more blood drawn, I asked your dad if we could let every one know that we were pregnant. I felt strongly that we either needed prayers, support, or both. He said to do whatever I felt I needed to do. Right there, at the doctors office, at 4 weeks pregnant, I told the world about you. I posted a message on Facebook for all the good thoughts and prayers our family and friends could muster. I told them how much I loved you and how I didn’t want to have to lose another baby. If you were going to go to Heaven, they would at least know the depth of my love for you, in the short time you were with us. At that moment I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before. I told God that you were His. He was in control of your destiny and that if he was going to take you, I’d let you go. I wouldn’t be happy about it though. I left this pregnancy up to Him.

I got my blood taken and the next day the doctor called with some good news. You were growing! Prayers and good thoughts continued to come in. My hormone levels were increasing the way they were supposed to, but we weren’t safe yet. I had blood drawn every day for a week. Each time the news was better and better! We made it to 6 weeks, when I lost Jordan- milestone. I heard your heartbeat and saw your picture- milestone. We made it to 9 weeks 4 days, when I lost Mason- milestone. We just made it to 12 weeks- milestone!

On Monday, your dad and I will get to see you again. It will have been 6 weeks since we’ve seen you last. You’ve grown a lot since then. They say you are about the size of a lime, but I don’t believe it. I check your heartbeat every few days, just to be sure, but you seem to be doing great! I can’t wait to see you, baby!

Now you may wonder someday, when did I first know that I wanted you. Well, always. There has never been a time that I questioned if I wanted to have kids or not. Not even for a second. I really knew and began thinking and planning about you when I was 14. I would watch a talk show called Maury. He had teens on his show that really wanted to have babies. They were trying hard to get pregnant and they were only the same age that I was! I really wanted you then, but I was smart enough to wait. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to be able to take care of you. No matter what though, I knew I wanted you.

When I was 18, I got married. I had a job. I joined the military. I was so ready to bring you into my life! I prayed for you every night and wished upon every star. God had other plans, though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent the 5 years that I was married waiting for you. My ex-husband was manipulative and abusive. It would not have been a happy environment for you, little one. Looking back, I’m glad you waited to come.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. We have your dad and Brooke and Emily. Oh and of course the dog, Sam. He loves kids. He thinks he is one, actually. We have two angel babies in Heaven, watching over you. You are already so loved and have been for so long. Your dad is an amazing man and I can’t wait for you to meet him. You will love him so much. He is kind, caring, strong, hard working, and he wants you just as much as I do! We are so happy to have you, baby. You were wanted for so long, and now here you are. We are counting down the days until we see your smiling face. You are loved. You are wanted. You are a dream come true and an answered prayer.

Love Always,

Mom

 

Why surprises aren’t always a good thing. Oh, and a Chuck Norris baby.

Good morning, world! I had what I thought was an NT scan or Nuchal scan at the OB today to test for Down’s Syndrome. I guess I got my appointments switched and the NT scan is actually in 2 weeks. Today I went in and surprise- no ultrasound machine. You’ll have to wait to find out if the little one has a brain or not. Sorry. Yes, I was bummed, but this just means I’ll have a bigger bean to see when I go back!

So the nurse starts off with a list of questions for me to answer: Medical history, family history, blah blah blah. She asks if I’ve felt the baby move yet. I’m only 10 weeks 5 days, but I swear I did feel it yesterday. It was just a little blippy-tickle on my right side. I thought it’s a little early, but if the doctor’s asking, it can’t be too crazy, right? At first, Kristen told me I was psycho and that it was just gas. (It wasn’t gas. I’m sure of it.) After a minute, she changed her story. She has decided that I am carrying Chuck Norris, reborn. There is probably a lot of ha! and hi-ya! stuff going on in my uterus at this very moment and that is probably why I’m so queasy all the time.

Back at the office, I’m finishing up with the 50 questions and the nurse asked me where I’m delivering and who my pediatrician is. I’m only (almost) 11 weeks! I didn’t know I was supposed to have all of these extra decisions made already. I still have 30 weeks to go! The nurse checks the heartbeat and I probably was not as excited as I should have been. I could barely hear anything except a microsecond of baby’s heart and so I was quite underwhelmed. Especially since my at home Doppler picks up a nice loud sound. Baby’s heart-rate is still 160, so no change since yesterday. Cheddar, QB, or now Chuck Norris Jr. is still going strong. Love you baby!

Now on to the surprise. It wasn’t the lack of ultrasound machine either. After the nurse leaves I am left waiting a year for the doctor to come in. She brings with her a med student. I am laid out on the table completely naked except for my gown that opens in the front, we say our introductions and nice to meet yous. This wasn’t my first gynecological med student encounter and I do not find this awkward at all, actually.

How am I feeling questions- check. Am I doing the prescreening for Downs Syndrome- check.  Breast exam- check. Wam bam- surprise pap!!! Whaaaaat?! Backtrack a bit- I had my yearly pap in February of 2012. I got pregnant with Mason in May and had another pap. I got pregnant with this baby in October and had another pap. So why in the world am I getting yet another one now? That makes 4 paps in less than 365 days. If you are wondering, none of them came back with any type of negative cells or whatnot so I find this beyond stupid. I know they they have to do one with each pregnancy protocol rules medical jargon, but really? Tell me why the doctors like to torture me. That was not the kind of surprise I like to get. A surprise vacation would be nice. Or a surprise winning lottery ticket. Not a surprise pap. The doctor finishes up and she and Mr. med student get ready to go. He was a polite young man, we again said our nice to meet yous and he wished me good luck.

Now back to baby Chuck. Please, whatever it is you do, do not call it baby Chucky. I have a strong fear of horror movies and I will punch you in the throat if you want to annoy me in such a way. Kristen has asked baby Chuck Norris Jr. to tell God to give her a baby. She thinks it’s less greedy coming from a fetus. She also said she wants a parasite in her uterus. To that I say: be careful what you wish for. hahaha

And cue the Chuck Norris jokes. Just remember, Chuck Jr. can roundhouse kick you into next week if you mess with me.

*No, Chuck is not at all an option for an actual name for this child.Image

 

It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes 🙂

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me 🙂

Insensitively: it’s how we roll

I am a very sensitive person. I do not have thick skin; I take things personally and I’m a crier. It’s common knowledge that we, as people, act differently depending on our situation. We may use different language and caution when dealing with superiors or strangers than if we were interacting with our close friends and family. I know Kristen and I told you that we’ll keep things uncensored, but there is a line we try not to cross. However, a can of worms was opened in a post a while back. You may at times find us insensitive and absurd; you may even lose respect for us. As business owners, our lives our out there for the public to see. We want to share our stories with you first hand, so that there is no misunderstanding in the future. We aren’t perfect. We’re human.

Kristen told you in a previous post, back when we were working at the flea market, that we called my cousin a whore. Please know, 1) we said it to her face, 2) we said it in jest, 3) we do not mean that she is literally a whore, 4) we do not discriminate: all pregnant women and women with children that we know (and love) are aware that we call them whores. We use it as a term of endearment. And maybe also out of jealousy.

Like previously mentioned, we act differently when faced with different situations and different people. After a loss, we grieve. Each person grieves differently. Kristen and I make ourselves feel better by saying since we aren’t teenagers or whores, we can’t stay pregnant. We constantly joke that if we were whores, maybe we’d have babies too… Well it was that month, after my “whore” cousin wished baby juju on us and Chris joked about giving me money after sex, that I did indeed get pregnant. I am now a whore, and proud of it! Maybe we were right after all!

***We know that teenagers and women who get pregnant unplanned also experience loss and complications. Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and infant loss do not discriminate. It’s a difficult process for anyone involved, whether your pregnancy was planned or not. We are not being hateful, we are just telling you how we are coping, hoping you can see the difference between a joke and actual hate.***

It all started when I lost Mason. Chris was trying to make me feel better and he mentioned that no one ever said growing a human was easy. Through my tears, I responded with, “except for teenagers and whores.”

We live in a society that glamorizes teen pregnancy and almost encourages single parenthood by way of government assistance. I know some very good moms that got pregnant at teenagers and I also know some really bad ones. I actually have a cousin who will becoming a grandma in her early 30s because her stepson (16) is having a baby with his girlfriend (15) in March. Of course they had no problems with their pregnancy.

Chris and I plan to get married sometime in the future, but we would technically be better off financially, if we didn’t. I could apply for Medicaid and WIC, if not other government assistance programs. **Please, don’t think that I am putting down single parents or those who need government assistance. I am for government assistance when needed. I am going to school to be a social worker- I deal with government assistance. Chris is a bricklayer who builds houses in low-income neighborhoods. I am a disabled veteran. I receive government benefits. I know some pretty kick-ass single moms (and dads). Government assistance is awesome, when not used as a way of life.

I don’t remember how it happened, but shortly after the loss of Mason, the “whore” fad exploded. I made an e-card that I’ve received a lot of hate and mean comments over, but if you’re insulted, screw you- you’re probably a whore. 😉

babies

When prayers aren’t enough

This is my letter to Kristen:

I have spent days and weeks and months praying for you to get pregnant. And then amending my prayer for you to carry to term. And then again for your baby to be healthy.  I have prayed that if it were between the two of us, I wanted you to get pregnant first. It only seemed fair. In my joy of finding out that I was expecting, I admit I was a little saddened it was me and not you. I have prayed with all my heart and soul, but I can’t give you what you want. I know that everything happens in God’s time, but dangit- I can’t stand seeing you suffer. I get enough hope up for the both of us and I’m crushed when your heart is broken, yet again. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I can’t protect you from pain. I can’t magically give you a baby.  I’m helpless here. I’m not asking for your reassurance, because this isn’t about me. It’s about you and the fact that I would do anything in my power for you, as any best friend would. Everything in my power and all of my prayers don’t seem to be enough, though. I love you, friend, and I want all of your dreams to come true.You have been a blessing in my life and I can’t seem to repay you for the dark times you’ve helped me through and the good times you’ve shared with me.  There was that one time you almost killed me, as I choked on a chicken sandwich from a joke that you told, but I forgive you for that. Life sucks and it isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. We have no patience, even though God keeps reminding us to slow down and wait. I will gladly shoulder as much of your burden and sorrow as possible. I will be your cheerleader and hope have-er. I will be your verbal punching bag, (sorry I bruise easily.) I will continue to stay by your side and pray my heart out. I will do whatever I can. I’m just sorry my prayers aren’t enough.

Love you dear friend.

Candi

When “eating for two” means using two forks

Today we had an impromptu-ish mother and daughter lunch at Olive Garden. It was my mom and me, my aunt and her daughter (and her 2 daughters) and daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law’s mom, and me. My cravings with this pregnancy and the last has been salad with vinaigrette dressing, pickles, fruit, and orange juice. I’ve been waiting for Olive garden salad for about a week. When the salad finally came out- I ate 3 big bowls. I didn’t eat the ravioli that I ordered, just the salad. And it was delicious. Anyway, halfway through my salads I stopped for a brief second from shoveling food in my face, and when I looked down, I had two forks in my bowl. I had been eating with two forks. It was hilarious, but I was embarrassed at the same time. My lovely ladies cracked some jokes about feeding me and giving me extra forks, since I obviously, didn’t have enough.

Pregnancy brain does crazy things to a person. This wasn’t the first incident I’ve had. Funny thing is I can’t even remember half of them at the moment! Let’s see… Um… Oh!

  • I was driving Kristen to her husband’s work yesterday and she told me I was pregnant. I had to stop for a second and process what she was saying. I had forgotten.
  • I almost charged a customer $100 on a bill 2 weeks ago at work.
  • I forgot how old I was when the doctor asked. (This is a normal occurrence though.)
  • I confused the date for the family holiday party.
  • I forgot to add the photo for the Lotus Be giveaway today.

Who knows what’s going on at this point. Ask Kristen. She’ll have to be my brain for the next 7 months. 🙂

 

 

I’m dreaming of a full uterus.

I had a dream last night that I am pregnant.  I hate those dreams.  I wake up in a panic thinking I need to call the doctor or take a test or something.  It’s never pleasant when I burst into tears 4 seconds after waking up.  Luckily my husband slept through it all and  I could get up and on my way to work.  I think a lot of this has to do with so much “baby” stuff going on.  Obviously, Candi is pregnant which is awesome but I find myself acting like that 10-year-old that didn’t get that really cool toy for Christmas and will spend the next few weeks feeling like a failure.  I love you Candi…I love the baby…this is just how I feel I am acting and I feel like a fool.  I have several friends that are getting ready or have already had their babies.  I should be doing that.  I should be getting ready to squeeze a giant head through my loins.  So, as I was with Thanksgiving, I am grouchy.  I am the actual Grinch.

I had a great weekend.  I got to spend time with my husband and accomplish things that I had on my “to-do” list for a while.  I actually enjoyed myself.  Until yesterday afternoon.  I have no idea what set me off but I had a melt down.  I began freaking out at everyone.  I yelled at my husband for no reason.  I threatened to blow up Walmart…yeah…I still hate that store.  I threatened to drive my car into a pole or something (please don’t worry about me, I’m ok…not suicidal…just extremely hormonal and my car was really pissing me off.)  There are a lot of things that may be changing in my life with work and the husbands work and what not and I am in panic mode.  So, yesterday was bad.
I keep trying to make myself not such a bitch.  As with everyone else in the world, we have a million things going on.  I keep trying to fit in fertility treatments into the schedule and that is making things worse.  We “tried” again this month.  I will find out 4 days before Christmas.  I don’t know what I think about any of it.  Right now I’m trying to keep myself a float in the crazy mess I have created for myself.  I used to have my house decorated by now.  Yesterday I threatened to burn my fake tree that is still in the box in the basement.  I just don’t know what to do with myself.  If you feel like this…you are not alone.  This psycho is right there with you.

This is what infertility does to you.  This is what happens when you lose a baby.  Well, I should say it could happen to you unless you are one of those disgustingly perky folks that some call optimists.  I have told Candi the she has to keep being the optimist because i have no optimistic bones in my body.  I married an optimist.  It makes me sick sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to be angry or miserable.  I pull out of it but sometimes I just need to be mad.  This baby stuff just adds to the anger.  So, here’s me trying to be better and not so Grinchy.  When I get home today, I will clean my house (I say that everyday) and I will put my wreath on the door.  1 step at a time right?

Being thankful doesn’t mean I’m happy

But I am. Currently. So, before my body goes and confirms that I am in fact not pregnant this month and throws me into a temporary depression, I want to take a minute (or a few) to express how much I have to be grateful for. I will continue to be thankful, even through any sadness I may yet encounter. First know in life, I have been dealt a raw deal, many times. I was in an abusive marriage. I am clinically depressed. I struggled with self-injury. I have a laundry list of health issues. I was left by my fiancée months before our wedding, without warning. I have lost two babies and am waiting impatiently for my third pregnancy. I pray to God it ends with a healthy baby in my arms. You know what? Actually looking back at this hand in life that I feel I have unfortunately been dealt, it doesn’t seem so bad at all. I have a wealth of blessings that far out weigh the badness that has happened.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in God and that all things happen for good for those who believe in him. Not one of the issues I have listed above do I regret. Not one of those things can I not find the silver lining.

I was in an abusive marriage: because of this I joined the military. The military has given me adventure, friendship, education, health benefits, and life experience.

I am clinically depressed: I suffered a long time in silence before I was diagnosed and treated. This goes along with the self-injury issue. I have spent many hours in utter heartbreak and emotional struggles before I was prescribed meds and a therapist. I take away a sense of empathy. I feel that I have been given a better understanding of peoples emotions. I am willing to put my story out there in an attempt to let others know they are not alone. If my pain helps even one person,  I think it’s worth it.

My health issues: they range from hip problems to allergies to migraines to sleep issues to asthma etc. This one is a little harder to find the silver lining, but it could be worse.  I have all of my own parts and pieces. I am able to walk, see, touch, and take care of myself. I am able to experience life.

My fiancée left me: but I ended up with a man that couldn’t have been more perfect for me had I created him myself. Chris has been my rock. My source of laughter and joy. My cheerleader. My lover. My best friend.

I have lost two babies: without my love and eventually grief that came from Jordan and Mason, Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation would have never came about. Yes, it did also involve the loss of Kristen’s son at the same time. I feel if it had only been one of us- we wouldn’t have this same drive and passion for spreading the word on infertility and miscarriage and giving women hope and a place to share their stories.

There is a silver lining in all the bad I have experienced, but I said there is even more that I am grateful for. I have a full time job. I have a roof over my head. My bills are paid. I have a supportive and loving family and friends. I am co-owner of a wonderful company. I have gotten to travel. I have Chris’s two daughters that I love as if they were my own. I am alive. I am well. I have so many things that others would die to have. I have freedom of speech and religion. I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I do not want for anything, except a child. I may not have it all, but I have so much. I am blessed; I am thankful, and at this moment, before my body betrays me again, I am happy.