Ovulation and PCOS

Shockingly enough, it’s possible without drugs!
I started my weight loss journey March 8th. It is now April 30th. I am down 28 pounds which is amazing for me. If you recall from my previous post, we took a much-needed fertility break because I just felt the timing was very bad. So, I have been going to the doctor every 30 days. Last month I went the day before my dad passed to find out I wasn’t pregnant and to let the doctor know that I was not going to actively pursue fertility treatments for a few months. He agreed and added that we would be using no medications. This was to see if my body was going to cooperate and work on its own.
As luck would have it, I ovulated. On my own! Now the problem is that we aren’t exactly sure when that happened. I was waiting for “the feeling” of ovulation. I thought I got that a few days after I normally did when everything is medically induced. HOWEVER, I think that was incorrect. The week AFTER, I had all the normal symptoms of ovulation…including EWCM. I actually texted Candi while she was at a baseball game to make sure it was possible that I could have ovulated and had this disgusting mucus.

Here I sit now, 7 days late for my period. I went in on the 23rd to the fertility doctors office to get my blood and ultrasound. At that moment, I would have been 5 days past ovulation if I actually ovulated that late. The test came back negative. No biggie because I am still not sure I could handle that and still grieving and everything else. I do, however, have a small voice in the back of my mind (and Candi’s voice in my ear) saying it’s still possible. I go back to the clinic tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood test. The doctor told me I should be starting anytime but I can’t wait for it to happen naturally at this point. I have been a raging bitch for the last 5 days. Not to mention extremely emotional. I have no other symptoms…so I have no idea what is going on but I will find out tomorrow if I don’t start before then.

This is just a small glimmer of hope to you ladies out there with PCOS. I know not everyone has a weight problem and I don’t believe this is all because of my weight. I am so much healthier now because of the products I use. I have energy, I get off the couch and run or walk, I play with my dogs outside rather than let them out and call them back in. I truly believe that with the right nutrition and healthy living you can reverse the effects of PCOS. I am trying my damnedest. My doctor said he was stunned that I had lost so much weight and that I ovulated on my own. Maybe this will mean I don’t have to spend every last dime on treatments anymore.

Keep up the good thoughts everyone. I am thinking about you always! Baby dust to everyone that wants it!

I still exist…

Hello world.
I am a failure as a blogger. Thank goodness Candi has kept this thing moving but I know it’s been quite stagnant with no posts from either of us lately. So many things have happened since the last time I posted anything.
Of course, Candi is pregnant. I think she has that subject covered. 🙂
I switched jobs. I left a place that made me miserable and incredibly depressed. I am now working as an office manager and I am super happy…except when people do/say incredibly stupid crap and make me want to smack them. (That just happened…I almost yelled.)
I have started this great weight loss/lifestyle change called Herbalife. I started March 8th and to this date I have lost 20 lbs. That is the most weight I have ever lost in the history of me trying to lose weight. We are hoping that this helps in the baby factory to boost production. I thought maybe I was hallucinating because I couldn’t tell that I was losing any weight until this morning when I realized my pants are super baggy. Crazy for me since my clothes are never baggy.

I had that hsg in January and nothing, nada, zilch. I ovulated with meds for the last couple months but nothing. Depression set in and I decided I needed a break.

And then the shit hit the fan. My dad died. He had been on dialysis for 6 years due to a chronic kidney disease and he decided it was his time to go. This is still pretty raw and will probably need a whole separate blog post because I can barely talk about it without needing a Xanax. We took him to Hospice on the 21st of March. The 22nd I stepped away for a doctor’s appointment. Of course for a pregnancy test/check up at the fertility clinic. I had a good sign and thought I might actually be pregnant and maybe in the back of my mind I could convince my dad to go back on dialysis. I know this was a dumb thought but I had it. Of course I was not pregnant. So on top of all of the emotional stuff I had going on with my dad, I had that to deal with too. Saturday, March 23rd, my dad passed away. I watched my daddy take his last breath surrounded by our family. You say you are ready when someone makes a decision like this but really you are not. Ever. I have a giant hole in my heart now and I know I will forever.

This has been a pretty ridiculous 2013 and I was really wanting this year to be a great year. It has had its ups and downs and it’s only April. That brings me to a whole new world of triggers. 1 year ago, on the 13th, I found out I was pregnant. So, I am on a fertility break. The doctor agreed that this is not the time for me to be trying since I am now being medicated for stress and anxiety and insomnia. I think it’s really about time I go see that shrink. I am hoping that I don’t go completely off the deep end because we know that I am already in the shallows heading my way there.
I promise I won’t be away so much. I will be writing posts as much as I can. I need to get my mind off of everything else, or at least have a place where I can say what I want and not give a damn if anyone is offended. This is all over the place and I know that but please forgive me. I have to blurt it all out and in time it will all be explained bit by bit.
Love to all…my uterus says hi too.

It’s been a while: Some exciting news and some boring stuff

It’s been a while since we’ve posted anything. It’s definitely not due to lack of things to say. Sometimes it’s just better to  leave things unsaid. I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on with me and Kristen can fill you in whenever she’s ready. We aren’t leaving out any juicy news or anything. Don’t worry.

So where are we now? By “we” I mean my happy little family. As far as I know, baby is doing well. Today is 18weeks 6 days. That means I am 1 week and 1 day out from the switch from miscarriage to stillbirth territory. Yes, I have been dreading it. God forbid I lose another baby, but if I do, I at least want to make it to 20 weeks. I understand it’s horribly morbid, but stillbirth seems to hold more weight than a miscarriage does, when it comes to public opinion. I still hate talking about my pregnancy to most people. I hate when people ask about it. I hate it all. I should be so excited right? I mean this is what I’ve wanted for so long, but the truth is, I don’t think I’ll be able to breath until I have a healthy, happy baby in my arms. I’m fearful. I’m scared. I’m terrified. Maybe when I start feeling some more movement I’ll feel a little better. Right now I’ve got a couple little bubbles every now and then, but nothing that I’m absolutely sure is baby. Our ultrasound is at the end of the month, so I’ll fill you in if we are having a little miss or a little mister soon! So far, pregnancy after loss is awful when it comes to fears. I just can’t seem to relax and enjoy it at all. I’m waiting for July with open arms.

In other news: Chris and I are getting married!! He asked me about a week and a half ago as we were starting to move into our new house. Yup. We moved. I think I told you that we were planning on it, but we finally got *mostly* moved in this past weekend. So we’re moved, unpacking, getting married, and having a baby! Talk about crazy busy. We haven’t discussed the wedding in too much detail since we’ve been mainly focused on the move, but it’ll probably be this summer before baby is born. It’ll just be a small ceremony, maybe at the courthouse, followed by a smallish reception. We just moved and we’re having a baby, therefore, we are poor. At least poor in the sense of not having a multi-thousand dollar wedding!

I’m taking Chris on his first ever plane ride at the end of the month, too! Engagement, babymoon, our 2 year anniversary, and ultrasound all in one month! Awesome! We’re going to Kansas City to visit my far away best friend who is 5 weeks more pregnant than I am. We almost always have a trip together (Liz and I) for our birthdays, since we are so close together (February 3 and March 3rd.) We’ve got a trip to The Melting Pot planned and lots of fun Kansas City stuff to enjoy. I’m looking forward to the BBQ! I haven’t been to KC since the weekend I met Chris 2 years ago.  I met him on a Friday, left on Saturday for a week in KC, and have only been a part from him maybe 2 weeks total since then. Ain’t love grand 🙂

Well, I think that’s all for now. I’ll try and keep you updated a little better next time.

Sam and me 2.5 weeks ago

Sam and me 2.5 weeks ago

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Letter to my little one: For when you doubt my love

Good morning sunshine! Right now we are 12 weeks pregnant. That means that you have been growing for 10 weeks now. I’m still not feeling well yet, but I’m cherishing every moment I have with you, because I know how precious every minute is. If we haven’t told you yet, but I’m sure we have, you actually have 4 older siblings! You have your two sisters, Brooke and Emily, that you are well aware of. You also have your sister, Jordan, and your brother, Mason. We lost both of them before they were born and we miss them every day. So far, I’ve gotten to spend more time with you than I have with either of them. Thank you for hanging in there!

When we first found out I was pregnant with you, my doctor (who I adore!) told me that my blood work didn’t look good, and to be prepared that we might lose you. I was devastated. I sat in her office and cried hysterically, as she continued the conversation with another concern. If we did in fact lose you, she wanted us to take some time out from trying to have another baby. She was worried that I may not be able to handle another loss, mentally. I could barely wrap my head around the fact of losing yet another child, let alone not being able to try again for an undermined about of time. Luckily, your dad vetoed that idea. He knew how much we wanted you and taking time off wasn’t an option.

As I was waiting over an hour (and the longest hour of my life) to have more blood drawn, I asked your dad if we could let every one know that we were pregnant. I felt strongly that we either needed prayers, support, or both. He said to do whatever I felt I needed to do. Right there, at the doctors office, at 4 weeks pregnant, I told the world about you. I posted a message on Facebook for all the good thoughts and prayers our family and friends could muster. I told them how much I loved you and how I didn’t want to have to lose another baby. If you were going to go to Heaven, they would at least know the depth of my love for you, in the short time you were with us. At that moment I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before. I told God that you were His. He was in control of your destiny and that if he was going to take you, I’d let you go. I wouldn’t be happy about it though. I left this pregnancy up to Him.

I got my blood taken and the next day the doctor called with some good news. You were growing! Prayers and good thoughts continued to come in. My hormone levels were increasing the way they were supposed to, but we weren’t safe yet. I had blood drawn every day for a week. Each time the news was better and better! We made it to 6 weeks, when I lost Jordan- milestone. I heard your heartbeat and saw your picture- milestone. We made it to 9 weeks 4 days, when I lost Mason- milestone. We just made it to 12 weeks- milestone!

On Monday, your dad and I will get to see you again. It will have been 6 weeks since we’ve seen you last. You’ve grown a lot since then. They say you are about the size of a lime, but I don’t believe it. I check your heartbeat every few days, just to be sure, but you seem to be doing great! I can’t wait to see you, baby!

Now you may wonder someday, when did I first know that I wanted you. Well, always. There has never been a time that I questioned if I wanted to have kids or not. Not even for a second. I really knew and began thinking and planning about you when I was 14. I would watch a talk show called Maury. He had teens on his show that really wanted to have babies. They were trying hard to get pregnant and they were only the same age that I was! I really wanted you then, but I was smart enough to wait. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to be able to take care of you. No matter what though, I knew I wanted you.

When I was 18, I got married. I had a job. I joined the military. I was so ready to bring you into my life! I prayed for you every night and wished upon every star. God had other plans, though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent the 5 years that I was married waiting for you. My ex-husband was manipulative and abusive. It would not have been a happy environment for you, little one. Looking back, I’m glad you waited to come.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. We have your dad and Brooke and Emily. Oh and of course the dog, Sam. He loves kids. He thinks he is one, actually. We have two angel babies in Heaven, watching over you. You are already so loved and have been for so long. Your dad is an amazing man and I can’t wait for you to meet him. You will love him so much. He is kind, caring, strong, hard working, and he wants you just as much as I do! We are so happy to have you, baby. You were wanted for so long, and now here you are. We are counting down the days until we see your smiling face. You are loved. You are wanted. You are a dream come true and an answered prayer.

Love Always,

Mom

 

It’s a two parter!

So I suck at blogging everyday. It’s not that I’m not amazingly talented or super funny all the time. I just can’t put my thoughts into words very easily lately. I have had 3 job interviews and I go in very confident and I leave feeling like my IQ dropped 100 points in the interview room and I babbled like my 2-year-old niece.
Any who! It has been an interesting first 4 days of the year. I have only been to work 1 day this year which makes me smile every time I say that. As most people know we have not stopped fertility treatments. I took my Letrozole as prescribed days 5-9. I went to the doctor on day 12 which was yesterday. What happens is I get un ultrasound and blood work done. They check all the levels they need to. Progesterone, LH, and estrogen I think. I don’t know, I try not to ask. So yesterday, my doctor is still out-of-town on vacation and they have this “sub” ultrasound tech. She’s nice and all but she’s not my doctor. So they check my ovaries. Side note-I was concerned there would be no eggs because I wasn’t feeling the pinches I usually do on whichever side I am ovulating on. She checks my left side first. I immediately panic when I see not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 follicles. NOW! Not every follicle will produce an egg. They have to be a certain size before they will pop out a mature egg that is viable for use. The size they should be is anywhere between 18 and 29mm in size and the ones on my left side were no larger than 11mm (this all depends on your doctor. Mine once let one get to 32mm before–no baby that month.) I was slightly unhappy but I realize that I am responding very well to this medication. She checks my right ovary. BAM! One big fat one! There were a couple little ones like on the left side but hey, 1 is all it takes. The nice big fat one was 19mm. The routine is to then get the hcg shot and ovulate and get inseminated the next day or do the wild thing for 4 days straight. This month my doctor said wait until tomorrow for the shot. For the last 4 months, these have been my exact results (minus the crazy amounts of eggs on one side.) I asked the girls why he decided that I needed to wait. They said that my numbers have been as close to identical as possible for the past 4 months and he wants to push it just a tad farther to get better results. So today I went back into the office (a 30 minute drive) and got another ultrasound and more blood work. You would be shocked to know that a follicle grows so quickly! Today the big fat juicy one measured 25mm. Go us! So I got my shot and informed the girls we would definitely be going forward with an insemination.
This means 2 things. Not only do the husband and I have to BBD for the next several days but he will have to wake up at about 6am and give me a sample of, what I call, my children. I will be at the office by 7am and they will “wash” the stuff and prep it for insemination. I like to say these sperm get a golden ticket. They pull a chance card and are allowed to pass go, collect their $200.00 and have fun racing to the finish line. There is nothing else to be done after this. I will lay on the table at the doctor’s office and go about my business…oh…and then start my 2ww. (I’m rolling my eyes if only you could see me…) So, there you have it. I will be inseminated like a cow only a farmer isn’t sticking his entire arm up my vag. A doctor gets to shove a catheter in there and splash me with a little Jeremy juice.

I told you this would be a 2 parter. It is but I really don’t want to write about this. I don’t believe dreams really mean anything except for your sub-conscience to make you paranoid while you sleep. I don’t really dream that often but when I do they are pretty rememberable. I know when I was pregnant I dreamt every night and they were such vivid dreams I would wake up and have to wake Jeremy up to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.
Since I don’t really believe my dreams mean anything I don’t talk about them all that much. However, this dream freaked me out and I had to write it down. I couldn’t stop thinking of the baby we lost. I couldn’t stop imagining him. I couldn’t stop trying to picture his face or trying to feel how small he was or trying to hear him cry. Then all of a sudden he was there. Perfect and beautiful but I still couldn’t see his face. I could see his shape, his chunky arms and legs, his black hair and I could hear his little cries. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t, someone was stopping me. I looked to see who was holding him and to talk some sense into them only to find out it was my uncle who had passed away almost 5 years ago. Sitting next to him was my grandfather smiling at him, speaking Hungarian to him and I understood everything he said. Next to them was a very dear family friend that just passed away last week. They were smiling at my son and telling him how amazing he was. Then my grandfather, who I never met because he died 8 years before I was born, said to me “We have him. He is ok with us. Your little boy is ok. Don’t worry. His brothers will come to you soon.” I started crying in my dream and said I want him now. I was told by my uncle that I needed to wait. He was needed with them and, again, his brothers would come to me soon. As they turned him around to show me his smile, this light almost blinded me and caused me not to be able to see his face. I told them I loved them all and I kept talking and was still crying. I woke up crying.
That has me completely freaked out. Like I said before, I don’t think about my dreams meaning anything but this was something I have never experienced before. I might need a psychic. I most likely need a psychiatrist. However, this gave me a strange feeling of relief. I felt this calm after I saw all of them with the baby. I know I only carried our son
until 10 weeks but he’s still my baby boy. And I got to see some folks I miss and love dearly.

So, there you have it. I’m insane. I have 2 weeks in front of me that I will be a nut job WARNING! WARNING! And I am in some strange way at peace now that my boy and my family are ok somewhere. So now, I will go make myself pancakes because they are calling to me. I saw them in a movie this afternoon and I can’t seem to get the taste out of my head. So excited for pancakes 🙂

***this is for Candi**** sorry for being a bitch on the phone. i don’t know why but i was and i apologize. i thought i would make it more public so you would believe me 🙂

Insensitively: it’s how we roll

I am a very sensitive person. I do not have thick skin; I take things personally and I’m a crier. It’s common knowledge that we, as people, act differently depending on our situation. We may use different language and caution when dealing with superiors or strangers than if we were interacting with our close friends and family. I know Kristen and I told you that we’ll keep things uncensored, but there is a line we try not to cross. However, a can of worms was opened in a post a while back. You may at times find us insensitive and absurd; you may even lose respect for us. As business owners, our lives our out there for the public to see. We want to share our stories with you first hand, so that there is no misunderstanding in the future. We aren’t perfect. We’re human.

Kristen told you in a previous post, back when we were working at the flea market, that we called my cousin a whore. Please know, 1) we said it to her face, 2) we said it in jest, 3) we do not mean that she is literally a whore, 4) we do not discriminate: all pregnant women and women with children that we know (and love) are aware that we call them whores. We use it as a term of endearment. And maybe also out of jealousy.

Like previously mentioned, we act differently when faced with different situations and different people. After a loss, we grieve. Each person grieves differently. Kristen and I make ourselves feel better by saying since we aren’t teenagers or whores, we can’t stay pregnant. We constantly joke that if we were whores, maybe we’d have babies too… Well it was that month, after my “whore” cousin wished baby juju on us and Chris joked about giving me money after sex, that I did indeed get pregnant. I am now a whore, and proud of it! Maybe we were right after all!

***We know that teenagers and women who get pregnant unplanned also experience loss and complications. Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and infant loss do not discriminate. It’s a difficult process for anyone involved, whether your pregnancy was planned or not. We are not being hateful, we are just telling you how we are coping, hoping you can see the difference between a joke and actual hate.***

It all started when I lost Mason. Chris was trying to make me feel better and he mentioned that no one ever said growing a human was easy. Through my tears, I responded with, “except for teenagers and whores.”

We live in a society that glamorizes teen pregnancy and almost encourages single parenthood by way of government assistance. I know some very good moms that got pregnant at teenagers and I also know some really bad ones. I actually have a cousin who will becoming a grandma in her early 30s because her stepson (16) is having a baby with his girlfriend (15) in March. Of course they had no problems with their pregnancy.

Chris and I plan to get married sometime in the future, but we would technically be better off financially, if we didn’t. I could apply for Medicaid and WIC, if not other government assistance programs. **Please, don’t think that I am putting down single parents or those who need government assistance. I am for government assistance when needed. I am going to school to be a social worker- I deal with government assistance. Chris is a bricklayer who builds houses in low-income neighborhoods. I am a disabled veteran. I receive government benefits. I know some pretty kick-ass single moms (and dads). Government assistance is awesome, when not used as a way of life.

I don’t remember how it happened, but shortly after the loss of Mason, the “whore” fad exploded. I made an e-card that I’ve received a lot of hate and mean comments over, but if you’re insulted, screw you- you’re probably a whore. 😉

babies

Holidays, hormones, and the Apocalypse

Well, as I feared would happen I failed to keep my goal of blogging every day. It’s been quiet in crazy town. A little too quiet. Technically though, it hasn’t been quiet. I just figured that if I wrote down what I was feeling and posted it online the courts would have hard evidence and I would get a longer stay in the crazy house.
So I will fill you in on everything I can think of.

The holidays.
I hate the holidays. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s not really actual hate it’s more of a dislike of the pressure we all have to sit around a table with people we barely see and make chit-chat while shoveling food in your face then open gifts that we can’t afford to buy and really hope the receiver doesn’t hate it but you had no clue what to get for them because, again, you see them a few times a year and never talk. Remember what happened with Thanksgiving? I found out, yet again, I wasn’t pregnant? Fast forward about 30 days. Rinse and repeat. On the 21st I had my appointment to get checked. I was trying not to get my hopes up. I love Candi but I swear on my life her optimism may, in fact, be killing me. I mean that with all love and respect and thankfulness that she is positive for me and the both of us but one of these days I am going to kick her ass. Everything that was going on was a sign that AF was coming…or a sign that Jeremy jr was growing in my womb. I believed the first, Candi the second. I was right, she was wrong. We were both crushed. I HAD been having an ok day or 2 before I found out. I was getting in the Christmas spirit. I was thinking maybe my Christmas miracle was about to happen. Nope. The powers that be told me to go screw myself without a second thought. I should have known this was going to happen after I lost my temper with our car salesman (had to buy a new car the week before Christmas….ridiculous) and called him every name I could think of in a 5 second time span. That’s where my hormones come into play. I ripped this car salesman a new one. Tore him up one side and down the other. I didn’t stop there. I ripped my husband a new one. I ripped a sales guy at Verizon a new one for being a dick and ALMOST threw my phone at him but then I realized I couldn’t afford bail money if I did that.
So. The day the Mayans ran out of room on a rock and caused a lot of crack pots to believe the world would end, I went bat shit crazy. After the doctors and the Verizon incidents, we got in our new car and as I backed up to leave my phone went off. I had a new e-mail. YAY! Maybe this is the e-mail from the company I have been interviewing with for the past month, where I just had an interview with 2 of the owners and I am pretty sure I got this job. So sure in fact that I cleaned out my desk at my current job when I decided to “rage quit” because I only got a 15 cent raise because I am “too loud and don’t know how to stop talking.” I open up the e-mail with excitement. I read: Dear Kristen, Thank you for showing interest in the position however, we have chosen to go with the other candidate…. I stopped reading and threw my phone. I EXPLODED. If spontaneous combustion is real, I should have done it right then and there. My husband looked like he saw a bomb go off in his face and he knew the shock wave was coming for him. I honestly don’t remember the rest of that evening except I cried. I sobbed in fact. I sobbed like I did when we lost the baby. All my “new dreams” had been crushed again. I don’t really remember talking to anyone for a few days. I truly went off the deep end. I am really starting to question my mental stability these days. And of course, like clockwork, Aunt Flo came into town just in time for Christmas and caused me to be an emotional mess the entire holiday.

I read on theinfertilityvoice.com a post about the apocalypse and it really hit home for me. I mean, too close to home. She said: “There may have been moments in your own family building journey: a pregnancy loss, an adoption fall through, or even just another BFN – those days may have felt like your own personal End Times. We don’t need prophets and wackadoos telling us the world is going to end when many of us have lived through a monthly apocalypse of our own.” Amen sister. That is the truth. Many people don’t understand this. They think we are the wackadoos (I am one but still…) My world ended again on Friday the 21st which is freaky but just happened to be a coincidence. The 22nd I woke up and started fresh even though I didn’t really want to. All week I thought about how I shouldn’t be getting another BFN. I should be holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms. I should be fighting for sleep. I should be recovering from bringing new life into this world. Instead, I was crying because of grief. I was trying to make new memories to help heal the scars of my loss. I went to church hoping that I can find my faith that I have lost track of and need to find again. I spent time with my best friend and her family and made fun memories. But I never forgot what I was trying to heal from.
My 2 best friends bought me gifts for Christmas that were perfect. Hilarious and perfect. Candi bought me a book called “I hate everything.” It is perfect. When I start getting upset, I pick this book up and read a few pages and laugh. She knows me way too well. Calley bought me this box that says “Friends will help you up when you fall, but best friends will push you back down and laugh.” Inside she put fertility rocks and crystals and said to put them by my bed since they are supposed to do something. I have 2 of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I have an amazing husband (even though sometimes he’s a jerk but he’s working on it and I’m working on not being such a psycho bitch….) and I am very lucky.

Even though my world ended again on the 21st I am very lucky. I’m alive. I have my loved ones, my home, my fur-babies, a job, and a car we are paying way too much for. I am very lucky.

When “eating for two” means using two forks

Today we had an impromptu-ish mother and daughter lunch at Olive Garden. It was my mom and me, my aunt and her daughter (and her 2 daughters) and daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law’s mom, and me. My cravings with this pregnancy and the last has been salad with vinaigrette dressing, pickles, fruit, and orange juice. I’ve been waiting for Olive garden salad for about a week. When the salad finally came out- I ate 3 big bowls. I didn’t eat the ravioli that I ordered, just the salad. And it was delicious. Anyway, halfway through my salads I stopped for a brief second from shoveling food in my face, and when I looked down, I had two forks in my bowl. I had been eating with two forks. It was hilarious, but I was embarrassed at the same time. My lovely ladies cracked some jokes about feeding me and giving me extra forks, since I obviously, didn’t have enough.

Pregnancy brain does crazy things to a person. This wasn’t the first incident I’ve had. Funny thing is I can’t even remember half of them at the moment! Let’s see… Um… Oh!

  • I was driving Kristen to her husband’s work yesterday and she told me I was pregnant. I had to stop for a second and process what she was saying. I had forgotten.
  • I almost charged a customer $100 on a bill 2 weeks ago at work.
  • I forgot how old I was when the doctor asked. (This is a normal occurrence though.)
  • I confused the date for the family holiday party.
  • I forgot to add the photo for the Lotus Be giveaway today.

Who knows what’s going on at this point. Ask Kristen. She’ll have to be my brain for the next 7 months. 🙂

 

 

Baby, I love you, but…

Captains Blog: CD42. 25DPO. hCG is continuing to rise. We are up almost to 2000 as of Friday’s blood draw. Let’s see. I had blood drawn Thanksgiving week, last Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and again today. I’m about sick of this junk. Baby, I love you, but I hate having my arms poked at every day.

I’m super tired. I sleep all the time. Except for at night. What is it? 1:00 am? I wish you’d get on the same sleep schedule as me. Baby, I love you, but I don’t like pregnancy insomnia.

Nausea is slowly creeping up. Last time I was pregnant my hCG levels were a LOT higher than they are now and I had really bad nausea/vomiting. Mason “Bug” Sombati got his nickname because I threw up on myself after eating an apple in the car. I was driving. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I told people I had a “bug.” Baby, I love you, but I don’t love feeling sick.

Headaches. I’ve had headaches just about every day with this kid. With Mason, I had very few and I was loving that aspect of pregnancy. I normally have headaches and migraines a lot, so the break was awesome. Not this time though. Headaches daily and migraines weekly. I have to watch what I eat. Baby, I love you, but I don’t love this pain.

Brain fuzz. My dad’s nickname for me on a regular day is “Goldfish.” I have the worst memory every and 3 seconds about covers it. Imagine my pregnancy stupidity at this point… Baby, I love you, but something’s are important and I have to remember them.

Hunger strikes. Not the kind of hunger strike where I just don’t eat. The kind of hunger that wakes me up at 3am after I have fallen asleep only 2 hours prior and turns me into a vicious tiger on the hunt. My normal go to snacks are pudding cups and graham crackers. Hey- who wants to cook at in the middle of the night? Baby, I love you, but I am going to go poor keeping up with my your appetite.

No one seems to be worried about this pregnancy but me. I’m freaking out. Freak-Ing-Out. So much so that I made *ing* a new word. I had a mini/micro breakdown today after I left the doctors office and they said as long as my blood work comes back good they’ll schedule me for more when they do my ultrasound in a few weeks… A few weeks?! I lost 1 baby at 6 weeks and another at 9. Well Mase was a blighted ovum, but seriously- get that probe in my belly and tell me there is an actual child in there. Sesame seed, apple seed, poppy seed- I don’t care how small it is I just want to see something other than a blank blob. Baby, I love you, but I can’t stand the thought of losing you.

Baby, my love for you started long before you were conceived. I dreamt of you. I wished for you. I prayed for you. I loved you. You’re brother and sister are waiting in Heaven and it’s all fine and dandy if you can’t wait to meet them, but please wait until you’ve done lived a beautiful, long life. Baby, I love you, but I feel so helpless not being able to protect you and make sure you are born.

Pregnancy symptoms sometimes suck. Sometimes I’ll get emotional and sick and angry and hurt and worried and tired and be pricked with needles and pass out. Baby, I love you, but and there isn’t a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for you already, as my almost 6 week old little love.

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We are expecting: a nervous breakdown

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Anyway, the longer we are ttc, the more freaked out I get. Think about it. The first pregnancy you are happy and excited and minimally concerned for miscarriage. It won’t happen to you. Nope. You and your baby are invincible. … Continue reading