I’m mental.

For the last few days I have been sick. Generally feeling like crap. I don’t know if I got a little of that flu bug or if I just have been so ridiculously depressed that my body is succumbing to my mental inadequacies. Either way, it was not fun. I was to the point yesterday where I didn’t care what happened. I cried all day long. I would be fine and then I would get a text from Candi, my husband, or a message at work from Trisha and I would have a mental breakdown. All day long. I have been trying to figure out if it’s PMS or if it’s hormonal because maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked and I got pregnant so I have a little alien leaching off my brain stem. Of course I am hoping for the latter but who knows.

This is what kicked off this post. During all the crazy and not feeling well I kept feeling as though I had cramps. I never used to get cramps before I lost our baby. I very rarely knew when Aunt Flow was coming for a visit unless I checked the app I have for that. Now I get cramps. Normally, I would say women are giant babies when they get them if they call off of work or don’t function and only stay in bed until they are gone. I apologize to everyone for thinking that. I have never had so much physical pain until I got cramps. So just thinking I had cramps made me mad. I knew I would be irritable and not very happy until they were gone. Then a funny thing happened. I didn’t have cramps. I was confused. I figured I was trying to make myself have them because I did something stupid. I never test before I go to the doctor to find out if I’m pregnant or not but this cycle I tested 5 days early. My TTC rule #28483 don’t do that!!! It’s just dumb. I get upset and possibly it’s wrong.

Fast forward to this morning. Again I think I have cramps. But I don’t. Do you know those crazy women that trick their bodies into acting like they are pregnant? I feel like I’m doing that. I have had the stomach flu, I’m nervous about an interview I have this afternoon, I am super stressed out, and I am 2 days from the start of my cycle. Maybe it is cramps. I can’t decide. I don’t have all the normal symptoms I get before I start. The symptoms haven’t changed in months but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did this month just to piss me off. I keep gagging and feeling like I’m going to throw up. I never throw up. Yeah, I may have thrown up with the flu but this is different. But again, I’m mentally screwed so I’m probably bringing this upon myself.

So here I sit. 2 days before I’m supposed to start my period, apparently wishing cramps on myself. I am incredibly insane…which I can attribute to many things. Which, by the way, I need to apologize to everyone who has been in the path of my rage. There is a list so long that it would take me an hour to write. But, I’m sorry. I have way too much on my plate and I’m pretty sure my husband is moments away from committing me to the psych ward. I hear it’s nice there. They give you the good drugs.

We aren’t going to try next cycle. We are going to do another hsg (dye into the uterus which clears out blockages) and birth control so that I can get my mental faculties back. If you have ever done months of treatments before you know how crazy you can get with the extra hormones. If you know me at all, you know how absolutely nuts I am WITHOUT the hormones…it’s better for all involved. I don’t feel like me and I’m losing grip on reality. We both think this is a good idea before I do end up in a straight jacket or in a clock tower somewhere. Here’s to a much saner month and less crazy in the future. Also, here’s to another wasted cycle. I know I haven’t been checked but I am supposed to start on Sunday and my doctor’s appointment is Monday….I have a strong feeling that, because it’s the grossest thing in the world to me, I will have to have an internal ultrasound while bleeding like a stuck pig. It’s just how my luck runs.

Give me the chocolate and I will only slightly harm you.

A normal woman has her monthly “visit” every 28-30 days, give or take a few days.  I don’t unless it’s medically induced. That’s the wonderful part of having PCOS (please read that as sarcastically as you choose.)  I don’t remember exactly how old I was when I “started” but I think I was 11 or 12.  From the jump it was never normal.  I never knew when it was coming.  I lived in fear from the time I was 8 years old when my mother explained what she used those sticky pieces of paper for.  I would go to the bathroom in 2nd grade and check every day because I was petrified I would have blood coming from an unholy place and then I would have a baby.  I don’t know how I missed that middle step of what makes a baby.  I think my mom left that part out.  I do, however, remember being at my grandma’s house one hot summer day getting ready to go to my father’s house in a cute little outfit of white shorts and a tank top.  I got out of the lake after swimming and when I went to change I saw red…literally.  I figured then life was over.

Here I am, 16 years later…it pains me to say that by the way…wishing I had a normal, reliable, regular cycle.  It may make this baby thing a bit easier.  The thought never entered my mind that being so screwed up in the reproductive area would result in difficulty conceiving a baby.  Since we began our journey of trying to get pregnant, my doctors have tried everything from Clomid and Provera to what we are doing now which is just Letrozole (Femara) every month and then my cycle restarts like clock work if I am not pregnant.  It is not, however, the same every month.  I don’t know how many women are going through what I am going to explain but if there is just 1 person out there then I know I am not just nuts.
(This is where, if you are my brother, you stop reading unless you already have and then if your wife is reading this you should gross him out with all of the gross details because I like to watch him squirm.)

Ever since losing the baby in June I have had ridiculously odd flows.  I went from having a d&c to not bleeding much afterwards which the doctor told me was weird.  He put me on birth control to keep my cycles coming in normal fashion.  Once that started I again had really light periods.  Then 2 months later I believe, it was like Hiroshima hit my pants.  I woke up one morning covered in blood.  I honestly thought I was hemorrhaging.  That was when the life altering, doubling over in pain cramps started.  I figured maybe I would have one bad one then I would be ok.  Boy was I wrong!  They seem to go in their own little circle of hell.  I have a really light one then a horrible one then a “normal” one.  Life still revolves around my uterus even when I am not trying to fill it with life.  I carry ample protection.  When I cleaned out my purse today I counted 6 pads and 3 tampons.  That’s not normal either but I really don’t know what to expect from one moment to another.

This month when I found out I wasn’t pregnant but my uterine lining was really thick according to the ultrasound, I figured it would be ugly.  Like the nastiest fight scene in 300 and it would last for what seemed like an eternity and I would be a millionaire after my husband bought stock in Kotex.  Again I was wrong.  I have no clue what is going on in there but I will tell you that it is complete and utter BS.  My uterus is a bitch.  Not only do I feel like I didn’t get a good flush and fill but I feel like I got screwed for December.  I am concerned that because it’s not all out of there I will have no luck trying this month and I will have the worst cycle on Christmas.  Merry freakin’ Christmas baby, you aren’t gettin’ any.
I have talked about this with my fertility doctor.  He has a penis.  He only looks at vagina.  He thinks I am insane.  I think he is an ass…sometimes.  I think it may be time to revisit the subject with him but it concerns me that he will want to do another biopsy on my uterus.  If you have had one of those done, you know why I have a severe panic attack at even the mere thought of that procedure.  It feels like a red-hot poker stabbing you in your most precious of areas and then radiating pain all the way into your chest cavity.  This all happens in about 4 seconds but it’s enough to make you want to kick the doctor in the face while simultaneously vomiting on the person holding your hand.
So, we are back to square one.  We decided to go ahead with trying again this month with just the pills again.  January 1st our medical stuff restarts and we will be able to actually “afford” treatments…the ones that will probably land me in jail because I will become a raging lunatic on hormone shots every day for a month.

Anyway, that is my rant about my monthly.  As every other woman in the world does, I hate it.  I wish I could pull a Michelle Duggar and just keep on poppin’ out the babies and get TLC to follow me with a camera to show how amazing I am at being a mother to my 19 kids and counting…but I got screwed by genetics or probably by my fat.  Today I blame my fat.  I leave you with this amazing image.  It describes exactly what my house is like for approximately 3-7 days a month every month until I get so lucky as to get pregnant and STAY pregnant.  And then I will just keep on making that happen because I would rather push a watermelon through a tiny hole than bleed every month.  It’s late, I’m rambling, Good night.