How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. ūüôā

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

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When “eating for two” means using two forks

Today we had an impromptu-ish mother and daughter lunch at Olive Garden. It was my mom and me, my aunt and her daughter (and her 2 daughters) and daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law’s mom, and me. My cravings with this pregnancy and the last has been salad with vinaigrette dressing, pickles, fruit, and orange juice. I’ve been waiting for Olive garden salad for about a week. When the salad finally came out- I ate 3 big bowls. I didn’t eat the ravioli that I ordered, just the salad. And it was delicious. Anyway, halfway through my salads I stopped for a brief second from shoveling food in my face, and when I looked down, I had two forks in my bowl. I had been eating with two forks. It was hilarious, but I was embarrassed at the same time. My lovely ladies cracked some jokes about feeding me and giving me extra forks, since I obviously, didn’t have enough.

Pregnancy brain does crazy things to a person. This wasn’t the first incident I’ve had. Funny thing is I can’t even remember half of them at the moment! Let’s see… Um… Oh!

  • I was driving Kristen to her husband’s work yesterday and she told me I was pregnant. I had to stop for a second and process what she was saying. I had forgotten.
  • I almost charged a customer $100 on a bill 2 weeks ago at work.
  • I forgot how old I was when the doctor asked. (This is a normal occurrence though.)
  • I confused the date for the family holiday party.
  • I forgot to add the photo for the Lotus Be giveaway today.

Who knows what’s going on at this point. Ask Kristen. She’ll have to be my brain for the next 7 months. ūüôā

 

 

Being thankful doesn’t mean I’m happy

But I am. Currently. So, before my body goes and confirms that I am in fact not pregnant this month and throws¬†me into a¬†temporary depression,¬†I want to take a minute (or a few) to express how much I have to be grateful for. I will continue to be thankful, even through any sadness I may yet encounter. First know¬†in life, I have been dealt a raw deal, many times. I was in an abusive marriage. I am clinically depressed. I struggled with self-injury.¬†I have a laundry list of health issues. I was left by my fianc√©e months before our wedding, without warning. I have lost two babies and am waiting impatiently for my third pregnancy. I pray to God it ends with a healthy baby in my arms. You know what? Actually looking back at this hand in life that I feel I have unfortunately been dealt, it doesn’t seem so bad at all. I have a wealth of blessings that¬†far out¬†weigh the badness that has happened.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in God and that all things happen for good for those who believe in him. Not one of the issues I have listed above do I regret. Not one of those things can I not find the silver lining.

I was in an abusive marriage: because of this I joined the military. The military has given me adventure, friendship, education, health benefits, and life experience.

I am clinically depressed: I suffered a long time in silence before I was diagnosed and treated. This goes along with the self-injury issue. I have spent many hours in utter heartbreak and emotional¬†struggles¬†before I was prescribed meds and a therapist.¬†I take away¬†a sense of empathy. I feel that I¬†have been given a better understanding of peoples emotions. I am willing to put my story out there in an attempt to let others know they are not alone. If my pain helps even one person,¬† I think it’s worth it.

My health issues: they range from hip problems to allergies to migraines to sleep issues to asthma etc. This one is a little harder to find the silver lining, but it could be worse.  I have all of my own parts and pieces. I am able to walk, see, touch, and take care of myself. I am able to experience life.

My fianc√©e left me: but I ended up with a man that couldn’t have been more perfect for me had I created him myself. Chris has been my rock. My source of laughter and joy. My cheerleader. My lover. My best friend.

I have lost two babies: without my love and eventually grief that came from Jordan and Mason, Lotus Be¬†Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation would have never came about. Yes, it did also involve the loss of Kristen’s son at the same time. I¬†feel if it had only been one of us- we wouldn’t have this same drive and passion for spreading the word on infertility and miscarriage and giving women hope and a place to share their stories.

There is a silver lining in all the bad I have experienced, but I said there is even more that I am grateful for. I have a full time job. I have a roof over my head. My bills are paid. I have a supportive and loving family and friends. I am co-owner of a wonderful company. I have gotten to travel. I have Chris’s two daughters that I love as if they were my own. I am alive. I am well. I have so many things that others would die to have. I have freedom of speech and religion. I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I do not want for anything, except a child. I may not have it all, but I have so much. I am blessed; I am thankful, and at¬†this moment, before my body betrays me again, I am happy.

Making peope uncomfortable since 1984

Candi and I are sitting at the flea market trying to raise some money for our company and the fertility grant we plan on giving out in the 1st quarter of 2013.¬† The day started trying to find out how many people we could make uncomfortable by just sitting here.¬† We have a table set up with all of our jewelry and our raffle ticket info and the prizes behind it.¬† We are pretty impressed with ourselves.¬† People started coming in and they take a quick glance at our sign and immediately look away.¬† There are also the teenagers that walk in, ignore us in general and are dumb.¬† No one, aside from Candi’s mom, her cousin, and the owner of the shop has given us more than a second look.¬† There are a few people that have lingered and looked but not much else.¬† I have enjoyed it because it’s been nice hanging out with Candi and we have been on pinterest all day.¬† What we have sold has been great because it is a fundraiser for my friend Trisha that is going through infertility issues as well.¬† I am actually¬†super excited that we have been able to sell somethings for her.

Anyway, we have noticed that any site of our sign immediatly stirs a fear in people.¬† Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation.¬† BAM! Right in your face.¬† I would venture to say there were 25-30 people in and out of that place (this is in a VERY small town outside of another small town).¬† Of those 30 people, aside from Candi’s mom, 2 people physically stopped and investigated our table.¬† 1 woman with a little girl who was looking at our letters for our jewelry.¬† The mom had a conversation with us, albeit short, but spoke with us about the company.¬† The 2nd person was a man who stood back and just looked.¬† I was happy 2 people looked and didn’t avert their glances after immediately seeing what we were there for.¬† There were people that walked into the building that I had seen around town.¬† I knew who they were and yet no one said anything.¬† This is why we started our company.¬† We need to raise awareness and help these 2 incredibly difficult topics become something more than shocking or uncomfortable.

Tomorrow I plan to push.¬† I plan to make more attempts at chatting folks up.¬† I played it safe today and kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know what to expect and we were eating pumpkin pie.¬† Tomorrow that pie will not interfere with my need to make people uncomfortable.¬† I have a lot of plans to continue making people uncomfortable since that seems to be the only way to make them pay attention.¬† People I work with now know that most of the time I will talk about my uterus or our son that we lost.¬† Sometimes I can see them being uncomfortable but it lasts a second when they realize they aren’t getting out of the conversation.¬† I have learned more about people this way in the past few months than I would have ever learned about them if I didn’t push the boundaries.

Push boundaries with me.¬† When someone tells you something that is rude or something that is meant to help, tell them why you feel it was rude or not the correct thing to say.¬† I don’t mean everything has to be politically correct….believe me…it doesn’t.¬† Candi and I told her cousin today that because she has 6 kids, she is a whore.¬† Very inappropriate but hey, it’s called humor.¬† I had no problem telling a woman the facts when she told me I wasn’t a real mother because I didn’t have my baby and that he wasn’t alive.¬† I have no problem reminding people who complain about their kid screaming in the middle of the night that I would give my life for a child to scream for me in the middle of the night.¬† I do refrain from telling them that if they say that one more time I will knock their teeth out.
So there you have it.  Our first foray into the public and we are doing exactly how I thought we would.  Just perfect.

UTERI Unite!
Yes, I googled that and uteri is the actual plural for uterus…don’t start with me Candi. ūüôā

A slightly blurry photo of Kristen and Candi at the Burbank Indoor Flea Market

Finally legal!

I will preface this by saying we did nothing illegal.

Today we received our letter from the Secretary of State of Ohio stating that Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation is a registered¬†non-profit corporation!¬† This is very exciting for Candi and me.¬† We have had a few set backs with this from the word go.¬† Mind you, these are silly things we completely overlooked but they were easy fixes.¬† First, we were originally going to only name the company “Lotus Be” until I decided we needed a name that explained what we ACTUALLY are.¬† So, on the paperwork the name was corrected on one page but not the last page.¬† They sent it back and it was fixed.¬† We mailed it back in.¬† Instead of telling us both problems the first time, they sent it back saying there was a mistake in the Country field.¬† Apparently county and country are not 1 in the same…¬† So, 3rd time was a charm and we finally have been approved.¬† Each time it came back I had to laugh.¬† Nothing would feel right if there weren’t mistakes along the way.

So now, I can legally bug everyone to go to www.lotusbe.com and tell them to buy things from our store to support our foundation and to also buy things from Trisha’s fundraiser (if you go to the website you will understand why there is another person involved….see what I did there?) and support her in her fertility journey.¬† I can also legally tell you to go there and buy raffle tickets for our amazing 50/50 raffle which, again, is explained in more detail on the website.

Other than that, not much to squawk about.¬† I mean, I have so much to say but I don’t want to annoy everyone with constant posting about my uterus or Candi’s ovulation kits.¬† I think I will save that for tomorrow.¬† Oh, I will tell you to check out some of the other pages on our blog.¬† I am hoping soon it’s not all just boring words and we can throw some pictures in here for your viewing pleasure.

As always, thanks for reading and following us.¬† Hopefully one of these days we will have some comment worthy posts hanging around.¬† I feel like I’m talking to myself…which I happen to do on a daily basis but that is definitely another post.

This is how we do it..

Well folks, it was inevitable.  This is Kristen and my partner in crime is Candi.  We started our company, Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation, after one ridiculous year.  You will learn more about that as you follow along.  We have a website, a Facebook page, and a twitter where you will get the serious side of this story.  Our goal with this blog is to show it all.  Bare the side that no one gets to see of infertility and miscarriage/pregnancy loss.

These subjects suck.¬† We are the first 2 to say that on a regular basis.¬† There are ups and downs.¬† The things we say get crazier as the days pass.¬† We want to share this with people so if they are going through all of this they know they aren’t alone.¬† We also want everyone to know that every feeling, thought, conversation and emotion is normal.

I am probably the more blunt of this crazy duo although, Candi still shocks me every now and then.¬†¬† I warn you that some of these posts will be out of the comfort range of many people.¬† I know family will read it and because it’s my life and what I live everyday I won’t censor myself so be warned.¬† I don’t do it on purpose.¬† I can’t guarantee grammar will be perfect unless Candi goes in and edits my posts.¬† I will let Candi speak for herself on this with her posts.

I want to thank anyone who reads this blog.  I hope it gives you some in site into the world we live in.  This adventure is just starting and I hope you are ready for the ride.

oh and visit our website: www.lotusbe.com¬† thanks ūüôā