Hysterosalpingogram. Say that 3 times fast.

That word has never exited my mouth. Only because I get halfway through and decide it’s too difficult and I shorten it to what many know it as “HSG”. This is that lovely test where the doctor injects radioactive dye in your uterus to see if there is a blockage in your tubes. I had my 3rd hsg on Tuesday. I knew what to expect. I took a few Ibuprofen before I went in and I was ready to go. It wasn’t bad. The doctor said there may have been a little block because there was a little hesitation on my left side but the dye was flowing just fine and everything looks good. Thank goodness. I also informed my doctor I would much rather have 400 hsg’s instead of 1 uterine biopsy. I’ve had 4 or 5 of those and let me warn you…they are horrible. Worst thing ever. I have a really high pain tolerance but that test is enough to make me decide to do adoption only.
The hsg not only clears out your blockages but apparently makes you incredibly fertile. So my plan of not trying this month has been put aside. I’m not crossing anything (especially since crossing my legs would be completely unproductive.) So we are back to having more artificial insemination with no break. I’m ok with it…I think. I was going to try to lessen the crazy in my life and take a month off but that’s not going to happen it seems.

I thought I had so much more to say about this topic but apparently I don’t. I kind of have a mental block with this. I keep thinking of great, hilarious things and when I sit down to write I blank. Maybe this little weekend will break that blockage just like the hsg does for my fallopian tubes.

Until next time my lovelies.

Aside

Note* This blog was started on Friday, the 25th: It’s late and again I can’t sleep. I have taken my pregnancy safe Unisom in hopes of getting some much needed rest, so until it kicks in- I’ll blog. I’ve had the flu the past two days and so that’s been fun. Tomorrow is the much dreaded day of what should be Mason’s birth. Granted, hardly any babies come on their actual due date, but it’s the closest thing I’ve got to knowing when he should be in my arms. It’s also my grandpa’s birthday. Two of my angels, celebrating in Heaven, together. I’ve been anxious about this day since the beginning. It’s one of those milestone markers that you face after a loss. You know the ones: first time saying your baby died.  The first time going back to your doctor. The first time starting your period again. The time when you should be so many weeks along. The due date. And finally, the anniversary of the loss date. There may be more, but right now in my broken, jumbled brain- these seem like the biggies.

For those of you that have been following our stories, you know that my pregnancy with Mason presented a few additional challenges. I was due 2 weeks after a friend and 2 weeks before a cousin. I found out about my cousin’s pregnancy after having lost Mason. I also was to attend the wedding of a pregnant friend only a couple days past my D&C. I was unable to make it to the wedding, but did get to go up for some quite time after the ceremony.  Three weeks ago, my friend delivered her chunky little boy, Liam. I handled that pretty well. I was prepared. I had expected it.

As I’m sitting here typing this, the news has already been spread and photos are being shared of the 2 week early, tiny little Morgan. In all honesty, I had forgotten, just temporarily, that another baby was to make her way into this world. I was wrapped up in honoring Mason. I was planning his day. January 26. A day when I could grieve and honor him simultaneously. And then there was Morgan. I wasn’t prepared for her arrival. When I was anticipating it, I had time. I could get through tomorrow, Mason’s day, and then prepare myself for Morgan’s birth.

I am glad that my mom called me to let me know of the news before I found out any other way. I was helping Emily with her homework and as I was hanging up the phone, my voice cracked. I took a deep breath and swallowed my pain. Chris asked who it was and what was said. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it (meaning I didn’t want to talk about it that second in front of the girls because it was almost dinner and I wouldn’t be able to pull myself back together.) I put it my grief in a box and threw it away somewhere. We sat down to eat dinner as a family- Chris, the girls and me. I didn’t make it long though before I had to excuse myself. I went upstairs, laid in my bed with my head buried under a pillow like an ostrich and sobbed. Apparently, I didn’t throw that box far enough away. I muffled my tears for about 10 minutes, composed myself again, and went back downstairs.

*I can now feel my Unisom starting to kick in and everyone else is already in bed, the dog included. I’ll take a short break here, 24 minutes until Mason’s day, and be back to you in the morning. *Don’t worry, luckily for you I’m not posting until the whole blog is written, so you won’t even notice the time difference. It will just make more sense to you when I say today as opposed to tomorrow. Good night friends*

*Another note: it’s now Wednesday! I came back to you on Sunday to finish up and my blog had been mostly deleted and the revisions section was gone. Dangit WordPress!! I wasn’t able to get my blog back until now, but I digress…*

So here we are on Wednesday. It’s been a few days since Mason’s day, which was Saturday. I surprised myself and made it through the day with few tears. Mostly, I sat quietly on Facebook or Pinterest and blocked out the feelings. I didn’t really do anything to honor my son, which I regret. I just couldn’t handle it; I don’t think. I did tell him I missed him and that I loved him. I did make it through the day. I did survive. Today is week 14 with the little one and I think Mason would want me to enjoy this pregnancy. He’d want me to be happy and optimistic. I think that is how I will honor my son and my daughter: enjoying every moment I have with this one. ❤ Mason and Jordan, Momma loves you. We’ve made it through the rain and now we are working on our rainbow.

 

 

Mason’s day: Missing my son

The good, the sad, and the ugly emotions.

I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I was laying in bed thinking how I have nothing good to blog about when I started getting emotional, all teary-eyed and brain-racy. Brain-racy leads to perfect blog material! Be warned, it’s a slightly long one.Today we are at 12 weeks 5 days, and we had our NT scan to test for Downs Syndrome. By “we” I mean Chris and I, even though he didn’t have to do anything but sit there. This would be the “good” part of my blog. The appointment literally lasted 5 minutes. The tech asked me for a urine sample before she did the ultrasound. She told me to pee in a Dixie cup. Now, I had just drank a bottle of water and a bottle of orange juice on the way over to try and counteract the Unisom I took to sleep last night, so I should be good to go, right? No. I’m guessing it was the whole peeing in a Dixie cup weirdness that was the cause. Who does that?! Anyway, we moved on to the ultrasound. The tech measured the amount of fluid behind the baby’s neck and it measured 1.4. Anything over a 3 is a higher chance of Downs. Don’t ask me “1.4 what?” because I don’t know. It could be millimeters, centimeters, or fluid ounces, I have no idea. I could Google it for you, but then I’d lose track of where I’m at. Back to the appointment- the tech checked the baby’s heart rate and it was a good 164. This is a little higher than normal, but I did just have that orange juice to try and wake it up. Little one didn’t do much but sit there on it’s back, though it did do a full body jump like a Mexican jumping bean that made me crack up laughing. The tech handed me a few pictures and sent me back to the waiting room to wait for blood work. I’d post more than one picture, but they all are identical, with the exception of the last one that just looks like a blurry blob.

Here (s)he is! 12 weeks 5 days. Little hands and little feet.

I get called back for my blood work. First stick goes in, but the blood doesn’t come out. Pump, pump, pump my fist, second stick goes in, blood comes out. It’ll be a week before we get the results. Doctor comes in, she says everything looks good, asks if I have any questions, and leaves. Now, I didn’t specifically come out and ask if my baby has a brain (if you read a few posts back you’d know about my fear and my drawn out plan just in case,) but she said everything looks good so I’m assuming yes. For those 30 minutes in the doctors office, I was calm. I was happy.

Now on to the “sad.” Once we got home, Chris said that he doesn’t think I can go through this whole pregnancy thing again. He had forgotten that he promised me we could have another baby after we buy a house, because I desperately want a nursery. Since we are moving to a two-bedroom house, we’ll have a room and the girls will have a room. Baby will sleep in our room. That means I don’t get a nursery in this house. No cutesy decorating and it makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that Chris says he doesn’t think I can go through this again. Which means, he doesn’t think he can go through it again. It’s probably a combination of my all-day sickness, my crazy hormonal mood swings, and my miscarriage and brainless fears. I’ve always wanted 4 babies: a boy, twin girls, and then another boy. I’ve had it planned out for years. Obviously, that didn’t happen and God has other plans, but I can’t accept that I’m done after only one. I feel slighted and hurt at the idea. I know it’s a while away yet, but I’m still saddened by the thought that he said no more. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Last, but not least, the “ugly” emotions.

I’ll bullet this section to make it easier to read. I know that jealousy is a bad emotion and I’m doing my best to control it. Don’t get all crazy preachy on me now.

  • I am jealous of pregnant women who did not lose babies or that didn’t have to try to get pregnant.
  • If I know you and you didn’t struggle, I am mad because I picture myself having yet another loss while you go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I see your baby as a reminder of my sadness and pain and I am hurt and jealous.
  • If I know you and you have struggled, I couldn’t be happier for you. I praise your success and pray for a healthy outcome. I know what you’ve been through and I share your joy, as well as your fears.
  • If I don’t know you, this doesn’t really apply.
  •  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. Even though I have seen my baby growing and listened to it’s heartbeat, many times, I am still waiting for it all to end. I’ve played through it in my mind: what if?
  • I am jealous of those that are pregnant and haven’t tried because they don’t necessarily worry about loss. Especially after the first trimester. They get to hide their pregnancies as long as they’d like and enjoy every minute after they go public.
  • I actually get angry when people ask how things are going. Like it’s a bad omen or something. If we just don’t talk about it, then we can’t jinx it.
  • I’m angry if you announce your pregnancy publically, having known the struggles and losses that I’ve suffered, and don’t have the curtsey to tell me in private, before you share it with the world. This applies mostly to before I got pregnant, but to those of you that were pregnant before I was and I’m just now finding out, consider yourself included.
  • If I have congratulated you on your pregnancy after announcing mine, but you have yet to congratulate me, just know I was only being polite.

We still have 28 more weeks to go. 28 weeks of trying to keep the fears to a minimum, 28 weeks of trying to keep my jealousy at bay, 28 weeks of trying to keep my hormonal outbursts away from Chris, 28 weeks of faith and praying. Only one more week until Mason’s due date. Maybe after that my crazy will simmer down a bit. I sure as heck hope so, for everyone’s sake.

I’m mental.

For the last few days I have been sick. Generally feeling like crap. I don’t know if I got a little of that flu bug or if I just have been so ridiculously depressed that my body is succumbing to my mental inadequacies. Either way, it was not fun. I was to the point yesterday where I didn’t care what happened. I cried all day long. I would be fine and then I would get a text from Candi, my husband, or a message at work from Trisha and I would have a mental breakdown. All day long. I have been trying to figure out if it’s PMS or if it’s hormonal because maybe, just maybe, this cycle worked and I got pregnant so I have a little alien leaching off my brain stem. Of course I am hoping for the latter but who knows.

This is what kicked off this post. During all the crazy and not feeling well I kept feeling as though I had cramps. I never used to get cramps before I lost our baby. I very rarely knew when Aunt Flow was coming for a visit unless I checked the app I have for that. Now I get cramps. Normally, I would say women are giant babies when they get them if they call off of work or don’t function and only stay in bed until they are gone. I apologize to everyone for thinking that. I have never had so much physical pain until I got cramps. So just thinking I had cramps made me mad. I knew I would be irritable and not very happy until they were gone. Then a funny thing happened. I didn’t have cramps. I was confused. I figured I was trying to make myself have them because I did something stupid. I never test before I go to the doctor to find out if I’m pregnant or not but this cycle I tested 5 days early. My TTC rule #28483 don’t do that!!! It’s just dumb. I get upset and possibly it’s wrong.

Fast forward to this morning. Again I think I have cramps. But I don’t. Do you know those crazy women that trick their bodies into acting like they are pregnant? I feel like I’m doing that. I have had the stomach flu, I’m nervous about an interview I have this afternoon, I am super stressed out, and I am 2 days from the start of my cycle. Maybe it is cramps. I can’t decide. I don’t have all the normal symptoms I get before I start. The symptoms haven’t changed in months but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did this month just to piss me off. I keep gagging and feeling like I’m going to throw up. I never throw up. Yeah, I may have thrown up with the flu but this is different. But again, I’m mentally screwed so I’m probably bringing this upon myself.

So here I sit. 2 days before I’m supposed to start my period, apparently wishing cramps on myself. I am incredibly insane…which I can attribute to many things. Which, by the way, I need to apologize to everyone who has been in the path of my rage. There is a list so long that it would take me an hour to write. But, I’m sorry. I have way too much on my plate and I’m pretty sure my husband is moments away from committing me to the psych ward. I hear it’s nice there. They give you the good drugs.

We aren’t going to try next cycle. We are going to do another hsg (dye into the uterus which clears out blockages) and birth control so that I can get my mental faculties back. If you have ever done months of treatments before you know how crazy you can get with the extra hormones. If you know me at all, you know how absolutely nuts I am WITHOUT the hormones…it’s better for all involved. I don’t feel like me and I’m losing grip on reality. We both think this is a good idea before I do end up in a straight jacket or in a clock tower somewhere. Here’s to a much saner month and less crazy in the future. Also, here’s to another wasted cycle. I know I haven’t been checked but I am supposed to start on Sunday and my doctor’s appointment is Monday….I have a strong feeling that, because it’s the grossest thing in the world to me, I will have to have an internal ultrasound while bleeding like a stuck pig. It’s just how my luck runs.

Letter to my little one: For when you doubt my love

Good morning sunshine! Right now we are 12 weeks pregnant. That means that you have been growing for 10 weeks now. I’m still not feeling well yet, but I’m cherishing every moment I have with you, because I know how precious every minute is. If we haven’t told you yet, but I’m sure we have, you actually have 4 older siblings! You have your two sisters, Brooke and Emily, that you are well aware of. You also have your sister, Jordan, and your brother, Mason. We lost both of them before they were born and we miss them every day. So far, I’ve gotten to spend more time with you than I have with either of them. Thank you for hanging in there!

When we first found out I was pregnant with you, my doctor (who I adore!) told me that my blood work didn’t look good, and to be prepared that we might lose you. I was devastated. I sat in her office and cried hysterically, as she continued the conversation with another concern. If we did in fact lose you, she wanted us to take some time out from trying to have another baby. She was worried that I may not be able to handle another loss, mentally. I could barely wrap my head around the fact of losing yet another child, let alone not being able to try again for an undermined about of time. Luckily, your dad vetoed that idea. He knew how much we wanted you and taking time off wasn’t an option.

As I was waiting over an hour (and the longest hour of my life) to have more blood drawn, I asked your dad if we could let every one know that we were pregnant. I felt strongly that we either needed prayers, support, or both. He said to do whatever I felt I needed to do. Right there, at the doctors office, at 4 weeks pregnant, I told the world about you. I posted a message on Facebook for all the good thoughts and prayers our family and friends could muster. I told them how much I loved you and how I didn’t want to have to lose another baby. If you were going to go to Heaven, they would at least know the depth of my love for you, in the short time you were with us. At that moment I prayed a prayer I had never prayed before. I told God that you were His. He was in control of your destiny and that if he was going to take you, I’d let you go. I wouldn’t be happy about it though. I left this pregnancy up to Him.

I got my blood taken and the next day the doctor called with some good news. You were growing! Prayers and good thoughts continued to come in. My hormone levels were increasing the way they were supposed to, but we weren’t safe yet. I had blood drawn every day for a week. Each time the news was better and better! We made it to 6 weeks, when I lost Jordan- milestone. I heard your heartbeat and saw your picture- milestone. We made it to 9 weeks 4 days, when I lost Mason- milestone. We just made it to 12 weeks- milestone!

On Monday, your dad and I will get to see you again. It will have been 6 weeks since we’ve seen you last. You’ve grown a lot since then. They say you are about the size of a lime, but I don’t believe it. I check your heartbeat every few days, just to be sure, but you seem to be doing great! I can’t wait to see you, baby!

Now you may wonder someday, when did I first know that I wanted you. Well, always. There has never been a time that I questioned if I wanted to have kids or not. Not even for a second. I really knew and began thinking and planning about you when I was 14. I would watch a talk show called Maury. He had teens on his show that really wanted to have babies. They were trying hard to get pregnant and they were only the same age that I was! I really wanted you then, but I was smart enough to wait. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a job. I wanted to be able to take care of you. No matter what though, I knew I wanted you.

When I was 18, I got married. I had a job. I joined the military. I was so ready to bring you into my life! I prayed for you every night and wished upon every star. God had other plans, though I didn’t know it at the time. I spent the 5 years that I was married waiting for you. My ex-husband was manipulative and abusive. It would not have been a happy environment for you, little one. Looking back, I’m glad you waited to come.

Fast forward 5 years and here we are. We have your dad and Brooke and Emily. Oh and of course the dog, Sam. He loves kids. He thinks he is one, actually. We have two angel babies in Heaven, watching over you. You are already so loved and have been for so long. Your dad is an amazing man and I can’t wait for you to meet him. You will love him so much. He is kind, caring, strong, hard working, and he wants you just as much as I do! We are so happy to have you, baby. You were wanted for so long, and now here you are. We are counting down the days until we see your smiling face. You are loved. You are wanted. You are a dream come true and an answered prayer.

Love Always,

Mom

 

How old am I, 12?

I didn’t go in to pregnancy uneducated. I’ve been checking out pregnancy research, magazines, and forums for the past 10 years. I know all of the symptoms, side effects, and wives tales. I went into pregnancy anticipating the worst, yet hoping for the best.

We all know that pregnant women cry. They cry a lot. They are hormonal, emotional, and downright crazy. I expected it. I tried to prep myself, but in all of my planning I could not prepare myself for the depth and range of my emotional instability. I haven’t felt this helpless over my emotions since I was a teenager. Mind you I wasn’t just a normal-hormone shifting-parent arguing- teenager. I suffered from depression, but had yet to be diagnosed. I had multiple instances of crying episodes for no reason. My parents would ask what was wrong and I’d tell them exactly that- “I don’t know.” It sounds silly, but it’s true. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t help it. Now, it’s happening again!

I’m so freaking emotional. This morning I broke down sobbing on my way to school. There was no reason for it. Last night in my social work class, a lady mentioned she was going in to social work to work as an adoption counselor: tear. The teacher mentioned grant proposal writing: tear. A song came on the radio and it had a note that struck me (*this was a music note- not even a song lyric:) tear. It happened a lot with the depression too. I think it’d be worth doing a study on emotions and music notes. I wonder if it was always the same ones that made me tear up…

Side note: I initially chose social work to be in the mental health field. For a while now, I’ve been undecided. I’ve thought about looking into adoption counseling and also working at the VA. Still, I’m undecided. I’ve got time. No matter what though, the grant proposals that I’m going to learn to write will help tremendously with Lotus Be Infertility and Miscarriage Awareness Foundation. Maybe that’s why I chose social work. 🙂

Point being I have no control over my sob fits. I guess I should have gotten the clue when I cried over the hamburger that was too sweet a month ago. Stupid hormones.

 

Don’t let the 2nd trimester fool you!

Today I’m 11 weeks, 4 days. I’m so close to 12 weeks that I can touch it! According to Babyzone, Baby Center, What to Expect, and all of the wonderful pregnancy powers at be, my morning sickness should be fading, I should be getting my energy back, and I should be happy and smiling while doing my yoga and cleaning the house, simultaneously. They LIE. L-I-E-S.

I’m starting spring semester at school tomorrow and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to manage. I’ve had morning sickness since 6 weeks and been on Zofran practical every day since. Up until a few days ago I was able to take my Zofran in the morning, stay hydrated to stave off the side effect headaches, have a little queasiness and an occasional gag throughout the day, but I was good. I could still get things accomplished. I was doing my first trimester workout tapes- yoga, cardio, and belly dancing! The clothes weren’t getting washed and Chris reminded me of that this morning, (sorry babe!! I’ll try harder.) but I was handling pregnancy well. True I was sleeping until 9am every morning and only eating oranges and baked potatoes, but hey- I was eating.

Nooooo. Not any more! Not since week 10.5. I am exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I’m taking my Zofran in the morning (and afternoon) and nausea continues throughout the day, along with gagging, and occasionally throwing up. I can’t keep myself hydrated enough to keep the Zofran headaches away which leads to more nausea which makes me want to take more Zofran, but that would only lead to more headaches. I’m STARVING and I can’t eat.  I smell food and I gag. Baked potatoes and oranges are the only things I can keep down. Before that’s only what I wanted. I could eat other food, as long as it didn’t contain meat, but now I can’t even stand the sight of other things. We were at Chris’s Grandma’s today cleaning out the house, preparing for the big move. He went to pick up pizza and as soon as he walked in the door with it I started tearing up from nausea. I was about to cry because I wanted to be as far away from that pizza as possible, yet I hadn’t been able to eat anything all day.

Pinterest is a joke. The stupid website makes me think that if I just make *insert delicious food here,* that I’ll be able to eat it. Nope! Chris made an awesome veggie lasagna last night for dinner and as soon as he set it on the table, I lost my ability to eat. I’d like to say I lost my appetite, but that wasn’t the case. :/

It’s not just food. I bend over and I gag. I can’t do the laundry without getting sick. I walk for more than 2 minutes and I gag. I went to the store yesterday and felt like death. I sit watching tv or on the computer and I gag.

This isn’t me crying about being pregnant or the fact that I’m sick. If that were the case I’d say something like “I hate being sick all the time! Stupid morning sickness! Why can’t I just feel better! I wish this baby would just be here already!!!.” You get the picture. Well of course I hate being sick and wish that I felt better, but if baby is healthy, I’ll take the sickness. I may not be enjoying it, but I’m accepting it.

So now at 0700 tomorrow morning when I leave my house to be at school by 0745, I will pray the whole way there. I will pray that I don’t throw up in my car. I will pray that I don’t throw up in class. I will pray that I can focus and concentrate and learn. I will pray I can make it through my morning classes and afternoon work and evening classes without a nap. I pray that I’ll be able to find something to eat that I can keep down. I pray that I don’t take my hormones and hunger and exhaustion out on poor Chris. And I pray that I can do it all over again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Kristen and Chris have both told me that they feel I’ll have morning sickness throughout my pregnancy. I want to punch them both for saying such horrible things about me. I hope that isn’t the case, but I guess – if it is, they are the ones that have to deal with my wrath. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bring it.

My main meal

Prepare to cry

Not so much a blog post today, just an update. If you haven’t noticed, Kristen and I have compiled a list of our favorite miscarriage and infertility songs on a tab called “Listen at your own risk.”  I have taken the liberty of adding all of the songs we’ve chosen into a YouTube playlist for your convenience. That way, you have access to them whenever you need a little inspiration or a really good cry. The link is on the “Listen at your own risk” page. Bring on the tears.

Okay, so, where were we…

The lovely ladies here at Cracked Eggs reminded me it’s been awhile since I initially posted so, here I go again!

When we last left the Trishanator, she was talking about how things have to move on, right? Right. Actually, wrong (I had to go back and read my last post haha!). So here we are, the first month of 2013 (omg) and I’m now 35 years old, still not pregnant and still childless. But now we have a plan.

But back to the future….

Over a year ago last September we decided to try to carry our child-seeking selves into a new realm – the realm of adoption. After extensive research and planning, we decided to go with Caring For Kids in Cuyahoga Falls. C4K is a good company – the people are nice, they’re not horribly expensive (we’ve spent about $2000 with them so far) and they promised to find us a baby.

We decided at that time to go with the public welfare legal risk program. The “public welfare” part of this is that the children are already up for adoption – their states have severed the parents’ rights and they’re ready to come to a good home. The “legal risk” part is that we’re willing to take a baby whose sibs have already been given up by their mother for adoption and the mother knows it’s not in her self interest to keep the baby. The benefits are – baby! The negatives? See below. =.=

Problem, then: we’re looking too young, apparently.  There are literally NO children under 3 who haven’t been beaten to hell by drugs, alcohol or their parents out there that need a good loving family. So, we wait. We went through the homestudy with flying colors, got our classes out of the way and as of March we’re approved to adopt! Yay! Exciting!!! NOT.SO.MUCH. We’re still waiting.

Fast forward to now.  Ugh. That’s all I have to say. We’re still waiting. And probably will continue to do so unless something changes. The only option left to us? IVF. I imagine that *duh, duh, DUHHHH…* sound every time I mention IVF and there are a few good reasons for this.

1) it’s horribly expensive.

2) what if it doesn’t work???

3) the money that could be used for it could go to, oh, i don’t know, a zillion other things?!

BUT, there’s a chance – a good one – that it’ll work. So here I sit, a couple potential months out from trying IVF, and kind of freaking that it’ll be another waste of money. The money, too, is an issue – because it’ll be our tax refunds + my DH’s work bonus that’ll get us there.

What about your adoption work, you ask? Well, $5K will get us into the private infant program. This program sets up birth mothers to look at the family books of waiting adoptive families so that she can pick them out herself. Alas, if we do IVF, we probably won’t be able to afford private infant, so….. Wanna hand over your wallet? 😉

Why surprises aren’t always a good thing. Oh, and a Chuck Norris baby.

Good morning, world! I had what I thought was an NT scan or Nuchal scan at the OB today to test for Down’s Syndrome. I guess I got my appointments switched and the NT scan is actually in 2 weeks. Today I went in and surprise- no ultrasound machine. You’ll have to wait to find out if the little one has a brain or not. Sorry. Yes, I was bummed, but this just means I’ll have a bigger bean to see when I go back!

So the nurse starts off with a list of questions for me to answer: Medical history, family history, blah blah blah. She asks if I’ve felt the baby move yet. I’m only 10 weeks 5 days, but I swear I did feel it yesterday. It was just a little blippy-tickle on my right side. I thought it’s a little early, but if the doctor’s asking, it can’t be too crazy, right? At first, Kristen told me I was psycho and that it was just gas. (It wasn’t gas. I’m sure of it.) After a minute, she changed her story. She has decided that I am carrying Chuck Norris, reborn. There is probably a lot of ha! and hi-ya! stuff going on in my uterus at this very moment and that is probably why I’m so queasy all the time.

Back at the office, I’m finishing up with the 50 questions and the nurse asked me where I’m delivering and who my pediatrician is. I’m only (almost) 11 weeks! I didn’t know I was supposed to have all of these extra decisions made already. I still have 30 weeks to go! The nurse checks the heartbeat and I probably was not as excited as I should have been. I could barely hear anything except a microsecond of baby’s heart and so I was quite underwhelmed. Especially since my at home Doppler picks up a nice loud sound. Baby’s heart-rate is still 160, so no change since yesterday. Cheddar, QB, or now Chuck Norris Jr. is still going strong. Love you baby!

Now on to the surprise. It wasn’t the lack of ultrasound machine either. After the nurse leaves I am left waiting a year for the doctor to come in. She brings with her a med student. I am laid out on the table completely naked except for my gown that opens in the front, we say our introductions and nice to meet yous. This wasn’t my first gynecological med student encounter and I do not find this awkward at all, actually.

How am I feeling questions- check. Am I doing the prescreening for Downs Syndrome- check.  Breast exam- check. Wam bam- surprise pap!!! Whaaaaat?! Backtrack a bit- I had my yearly pap in February of 2012. I got pregnant with Mason in May and had another pap. I got pregnant with this baby in October and had another pap. So why in the world am I getting yet another one now? That makes 4 paps in less than 365 days. If you are wondering, none of them came back with any type of negative cells or whatnot so I find this beyond stupid. I know they they have to do one with each pregnancy protocol rules medical jargon, but really? Tell me why the doctors like to torture me. That was not the kind of surprise I like to get. A surprise vacation would be nice. Or a surprise winning lottery ticket. Not a surprise pap. The doctor finishes up and she and Mr. med student get ready to go. He was a polite young man, we again said our nice to meet yous and he wished me good luck.

Now back to baby Chuck. Please, whatever it is you do, do not call it baby Chucky. I have a strong fear of horror movies and I will punch you in the throat if you want to annoy me in such a way. Kristen has asked baby Chuck Norris Jr. to tell God to give her a baby. She thinks it’s less greedy coming from a fetus. She also said she wants a parasite in her uterus. To that I say: be careful what you wish for. hahaha

And cue the Chuck Norris jokes. Just remember, Chuck Jr. can roundhouse kick you into next week if you mess with me.

*No, Chuck is not at all an option for an actual name for this child.Image