I had a dream last night that I am pregnant. I hate those dreams. I wake up in a panic thinking I need to call the doctor or take a test or something. It’s never pleasant when I burst into tears 4 seconds after waking up. Luckily my husband slept through it all and I could get up and on my way to work. I think a lot of this has to do with so much “baby” stuff going on. Obviously, Candi is pregnant which is awesome but I find myself acting like that 10-year-old that didn’t get that really cool toy for Christmas and will spend the next few weeks feeling like a failure. I love you Candi…I love the baby…this is just how I feel I am acting and I feel like a fool. I have several friends that are getting ready or have already had their babies. I should be doing that. I should be getting ready to squeeze a giant head through my loins. So, as I was with Thanksgiving, I am grouchy. I am the actual Grinch.
I had a great weekend. I got to spend time with my husband and accomplish things that I had on my “to-do” list for a while. I actually enjoyed myself. Until yesterday afternoon. I have no idea what set me off but I had a melt down. I began freaking out at everyone. I yelled at my husband for no reason. I threatened to blow up Walmart…yeah…I still hate that store. I threatened to drive my car into a pole or something (please don’t worry about me, I’m ok…not suicidal…just extremely hormonal and my car was really pissing me off.) There are a lot of things that may be changing in my life with work and the husbands work and what not and I am in panic mode. So, yesterday was bad.
I keep trying to make myself not such a bitch. As with everyone else in the world, we have a million things going on. I keep trying to fit in fertility treatments into the schedule and that is making things worse. We “tried” again this month. I will find out 4 days before Christmas. I don’t know what I think about any of it. Right now I’m trying to keep myself a float in the crazy mess I have created for myself. I used to have my house decorated by now. Yesterday I threatened to burn my fake tree that is still in the box in the basement. I just don’t know what to do with myself. If you feel like this…you are not alone. This psycho is right there with you.
This is what infertility does to you. This is what happens when you lose a baby. Well, I should say it could happen to you unless you are one of those disgustingly perky folks that some call optimists. I have told Candi the she has to keep being the optimist because i have no optimistic bones in my body. I married an optimist. It makes me sick sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be angry or miserable. I pull out of it but sometimes I just need to be mad. This baby stuff just adds to the anger. So, here’s me trying to be better and not so Grinchy. When I get home today, I will clean my house (I say that everyday) and I will put my wreath on the door. 1 step at a time right?