I am a pessimist. Always have been, always will be. I think this is part of the reason why I despise the holidays. My husband, poor Jeremy, gets the brunt of this. Trying to get pregnant takes a toll on everyone in the family when emotions cloud joy and happiness. I used to love the holidays. I probably would already have the house decorated, complete with tree and outside lights. Usually I have the holiday dinners at my house every year but this year is different.
When we found out I was pregnant in April, one of the very first things I said was “HEY! This baby will be here right around Christmas!!” and my husbands quick response was “And you will not be 9 months pregnant entertaining the entire family in our house!” That was perfectly fine with me. Not knowing if I would be in the hospital having a baby or so tired that I couldn’t cook the normal feast for 15 people made the proclamation from Jeremy completely acceptable. When we lost the baby in June I realized that this plan was probably still the best idea. I knew the holidays would be difficult…way more difficult than usual. I always get incredibly stressed out starting right about now and the stress doesn’t end until the end of the last night of Christmas celebrations. As I worked through my grief in the past few months I thought it wouldn’t be so bad. I tried to tell myself I could get through it with the support from my husband. He said our house would be our “safe haven” when I start feeling overwhelmed we could come home to our quiet house with our fur-babies and relax. Now, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I don’t want to leave my house. I wake up in the morning with this overwhelming feeling of despair but I pick myself up, go to work, and try to make the best of this life I am living.
To make things worse, my appointment with my RE is scheduled for tomorrow. I told the receptionist that this was a cruel joke to give me shit news right before a day of thanks. She reminded me that it’s not always negative news she gives me and to try to be positive. As I said earlier this month, I was trying not to think about it. I tried not to care. That didn’t work so well for me this month. Every day, at one moment or another, I would think about the test. I would think about the fact that I would probably be pissed off tomorrow afternoon. So, I created projects for myself to keep me busy as best I could. I stayed in a good mood. I kept my bitching to a minimum. I tried not to think about the possible cramps or the other feelings you get when you are about to get your monthly curse.
Today was a great day at work. I laughed, got a big part of a project done, got a hug from a very unexpected person who has WAY more crap going on in her life right now than I do (not to mention she’s a mean ass old lady), and I looked forward to coming home to my husband who is on vacation. When I got home, I started getting upset. I started losing my temper. I caught myself becoming a witch. I know the signs of PMS. I know how I get and how my body gets when it gets near to that time of the month. Right now, I am fighting it. I don’t know if you can fight a menstrual cycle but dammit I am trying.
I promise my mom I would cook the turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and bake 3 pies. I feel like a dumbass for agreeing to it because I really don’t want to do any of it. So that’s where I sit. At this exact moment I hate my body, my ovaries, my uterus, the holidays, and pretty much anything else that is going on at the moment. I know we are trying to keep this light and humorous but sometimes that is just physically impossible. I wanted to let you readers know that you don’t have to be ok all of the time. If you feel like throwing a freshly roasted turkey at a wall, it’s normal. I considered asking my husband if we could go out into the country with a bag of potatoes and have target practice. The holidays are difficult for a lot of people and I want you to know that I am right there with you. There is no shame in grieving even if the grief is from a day ago or 35 years ago.
The cliché thing to say is “be thankful for what you have.” Yeah. Do that but take care of yourself as well. Try not to worry about what others are thinking of you when you avoid a family function because seeing someone may make it that much more difficult for you not to start the family brawl before the gravy hits the table.
Try to relax (hahahaha yeah…I know) and make your holidays the best you can for you. I will probably just eat all of the food and stuff myself until I pass out and don’t wake up until Monday morning.
Much love and hugs.