I have been very emotional lately, with the holidays coming up. That’s no surprise. What is surprising, that in my feels-like-it’s-all-happening-all-over-again sadness, I feel compelled to go into detail about the loss of Mason. This is not a post that I want to write, but feel I should, for the sake of others in similar situations. It’s raw, hurtful, sad, and depressing. Pregnancies vary from person to person, pregnancy to pregnancy. So do miscarriages. No two will be exactly alike. When I lost Jordan, I was about 6 weeks along. My hCG levels were decent. I didn’t have too many symptoms except that I was crazy, super emotional. I hadn’t even made it to my first OB appointment. I went to school one day, and there was blood. Lots of it. I drove myself to the hospital, trying to stay calm. I didn’t tell anyone except my professors that I had that day. My family didn’t even know I was pregnant at this point. By the time I had gotten to the hospital, all hope was lost. As I was checking in, I was hit with a double whammy. The women checking in before me was pregnant with twins and she had a cold… I wanted to punch her in the face. I’m here at the ER because I’m losing my baby and your here because you have a freaking cold?!
The doctor ran labs and did an ultrasound. There was no tissue left. Since this was my first u/s and the tissue was gone already, I never got to see my baby. It was probably around 10:00 am, when I let anyone know where I was. I was supposed to work at 11:00. I texted my mom and told her I was in the hospital having a miscarriage and I thought that I’d be late for work. She works for me in the mornings, while I’m in school. As I’m laying there alone in the ER, I am freaking out. This can’t be happening. I’ve wanted to be a mother for so long and now I’m losing my baby. Momma drove to the hospital and sat with me for a while. I did leave the hospital and go to work, but I was late. I needed something to do to pretend this didn’t actually happen. It didn’t take long for my hCG levels to be back to normal, but emotionally, I was a mess. I don’t know the gender of this baby, but mother’s intuition tells me it’s a girl. We’ll call her a her. Her name is Jordan Eryn. *Jordan, if you’re a boy, I apologize for the semi girly spelling of your middle name. Your aunt and godmomma, Liz and I decided on the Irish version. She helped me name you.
Now it’s Mason’s turn. I wasn’t too worried about having a miscarriage with this last pregnancy for a few reasons. 1) I had already had one. I couldn’t be cursed twice in a row, right? 2) My hCG levels were super high and constantly rising. 3) I was horribly nauseous to the point of throwing up on myself, in the car, while eating an apple. Since we weren’t telling anyone yet that I was pregnant, we said I had a little bug. Hence, Mason’s nickname Bug. 🙂
So my pregnancy is moving along great if you consider morning/noon/night sickness, horrible nausea, lack of appetite except for healthy snacks, tiredness, emotional, and sore boobs great. Weirdly, I did. I thanked God for all of these symptoms because my baby was going to be okay! My first ultrasound with him was around 6 weeks. At my OB’s office they have big TVs on the wall so that you can see everything that’s going on. I saw a sac, but no baby. My heart sank. The doctor tried to tell me maybe I had my dates mixed up and I wasn’t as far along as I thought. I knew exactly how far I was to the day, since we had been ttc for 3 months. I wasn’t mistaken. She didn’t say anything, but scheduled me for follow up blood work and another U/S in a few days. My hormone levels were still rising at this point, I was still sick, and there was still no baby on the giant TV.
At this point she informs me she thinks I have a blighted ovum, or anembryonic pregnancy. I didn’t exactly know what this was, but I knew my heart was broken. I went home, read everything I could get my hands on, and prayed like I’ve never prayed before. I held out hope knowing that some women can’t see their babies until 10+ weeks on the u/s, due to the babies location. Once to twice a week I was having my blood levels checked and ultrasounds done, but the results were the same. Blighted ovum. No baby. No sign of impending miscarriage so the doctor scheduled me for a D&C (dilation and curettage). When I left the hospital after surgery, there was a mother leaving with her baby and a mother coming in to have a baby… What timing I have… It took about 6 weeks for my hCG levels to finally drop below 2.
According to the American Pregnancy Association, “A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself.”
Here is why I didn’t want to write this post. I’m pretty sure at least one of you will be thinking that since I didn’t have an embryo, I wasn’t really pregnant. This bothered me so badly in the beginning and even now writing this post because I struggled with the question if I was actually considered pregnant myself. Does this count as a baby or what the heck is going on with my body? I don’t understand. I don’t know how I can have all of these symptoms and there not be a child. I believe that life begins at conception. There was a fertilized egg. It was multiplying and growing. I had a pregnancy sac and a placenta. The genetics testing came back the sex was male. How can it be a male, if it is not a life? He is my son and his name is Mason. I’ll fight to the death if you’d like to tell me otherwise.
This makes 2 pregnancies and I have yet to see a baby. This makes 2 pregnancies and I have yet to hear a heartbeat. This makes 2 pregnancies and I am absolutely terrified of the next one. Right now, at this moment, I want to cry. My heart hurts wondering if you think of Mason as a blip. As an accident. As not a baby. He is my baby and the pain of missing him and Jordan haunt me daily. Please, if you have ever had experienced a blighted ovum miscarriage, know that you were pregnant. You are a mother. You created life. You are not alone.
“Blighted Ovum.” American Pregnancy Association, 2011. Web. Web. 16 Nov. 2012.